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CHAPTER FOUR
Being pregnant sucked.
I was always tired. My feet hurt. My boobs hurt. I was horny and emotional all the time.
And the menial amount of respect I’d accumulated over the semester? Gone. I was as close to an outcast on campus as I could be. The tutoring center where I was editing papers part time avoided giving me work, my job at the bookstore cutmy hours, and my teachers were unforgiving in their deadlines. They all looked down their noses at me. I was the stupid freshman who got pregnant.
The exceptions were my only two friends, Bet and Anna, a professor from last semester who didn’t count my missed classes, and my guidance counselor. Bet and Anna supported me, encouraged me, and brought me ice packs when my feet hurt. My guidance counselor asked me how I planned to return in the fall semester when I had two babies who were four months old.
I didn’t have an answer. I was still trying to decide if I was going to put them up for adoption, or keep them.
I knew the right thing was to give them up. I could find a family who wanted children and couldn’t have them, and to let the twins go to a family that would love them and raise them, and have the resources to care for them. They could stay together. Maybe I could even visit them and be a part of their lives.
I kept putting off filling out the paperwork and reaching out to the social worker, going over and over it in my head and trying to decide if that’s really what I wanted to do. I still hadn’t told my parents, feigning being overworked and too busy, and ignoring most of their calls. I knew all I’d get from them was judgment. And I didn’t want to admit that I’d failed my dad’s challenge.
And then one evening, I was in our dorm kitchen with Anna, and we were listening to one of her old ABBA records. My favorite song came on and I started dancing slightly while we both belted the lyrics.Honey I’m still free, take a chance on me...
I felt an onslaught of kicks, and I grabbed at my swollen belly and gasped.
“What! What is it?” Anna came running to my rescue.
“No, it’s okay,” I laughed. “Here.” I put her hand over the spot. She smiled as she felt them.
“They’re strong.”
“They’re dancing. They like the music.”
We laughed and stood there, four little feet pushing and stretching against my skin, and I felt my throat grow thick.
Take a chance on me.
I honestly thought, for the first time, about going to the hospital with these babies in my belly and leaving without them, and my eyes welled up. I clasped my hand over my mouth. “Anna,” I stuttered through my tears. “I… I’m going to keep them.”
“I know, Maria.” She smiled. “You’re almost six months along. If you didn’t want them, you would have found a family by now.”
“What am I… how am I going to do this?”
“Okay so I’ve been thinking about this. I have a plan. We’re going to help. It’ll be okay.”
By early May, I had moved out of my dorm and into the little one-room apartment with the lowest rent in town. I’d gotten another part-time job off campus at a diner, had saved as much money as I could, and I had enough for several months rent. Anna and Bet and I made sure our schedules worked out so that when I was in class next semester, one of them was free to watch the twins. I’d just have to work hard, apply for loans and scholarships, and I could pull this off.
My mom came by one afternoon unexpectedly. I hid behind the door, only letting her see my face.
“I’m worried about you, Maria,” she said. “You’ve been avoiding us.”
Yeah, I’m avoiding you, because I don’t want to see the look on your face when you realize I’ve gotten pregnant my first semester of college.
“I’m enjoying my freedom,” I said. “I’m sorry, mom. I have people over. Can you come by another time, and call me first?”
“Okay, honey. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just busy. I’m working two jobs and getting ready for the fall semester.”
My mother studied me, suspicion on her face. She knew I was hiding something. It didn’t go unnoticed that I was hiding behind the door, not letting her see my body.
“Maria… are you okay?”
I nodded.I’m fine. I can do this.That was what I’d been telling myself for the past few months.I can do it. I’m capable, I can pull this off.
