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And I didn’t need a lesson; I needed money.
“I’m sorry, dad. We used a condom and I was on birth control; it shouldn’t have happened.”
He sighed again. “Well… it did. And now you’re stuck with them.”
Stuck with them,like they were a nasty virus, or a disability, or some kind of disease I now had to learn to live with.
I wonder if that’s how they thought of me. I wonder if they got pregnant and they got stuck dealing with me.
“I’ll bring some money over, and your mother will make you some casseroles you can cook when you need to. If you need coverage for a shift, I’m sure she’ll help out.” He sounded so tired and so disdainful that he had to stoop to my level to help me that it made me nauseous.
“Thanks, dad,” I choked out, and told him the address.
He did exactly what he said. He drove over and brought a few thousand dollars in cash, several bags of groceries, some diapers, and laundry detergent. Mom came in, dropped the box of casseroles on the counter, and went straight for the boys. She held one and then the other, sighing and fawning over them, trying to get them to stop crying.
“Well, they’re as stubborn as you were,” she said, holding Matthew against her chest and bouncing him more enthusiastically than I would have liked. “You cried all the time as a baby too,” she murmured with the hint of a side-eye.
“They’re not stubborn, mom. They’rebabies.”
“Are they half Mexican? They don’t look white.”
“Cherokee.”
“What?” She drew back. “Really? Like, the Indians?”
“Yeah,” I sighed, too tired to argue the semantics of the word choice. I collapsed on the couch and pulled Jacob into my arms. He settled a little but still fussed.
“Is he around? Does he know? Is he giving you any money?”
“He was a stranger I met in AC, and he lives in North Carolina. I don’t even remember his name,” I lied. I needed to find Andrew Greenwood’s number, but I doubted he would take my call once I told him what happened. I was sure I could fight for child support, but I didn’t have the mental energy to even think about that process right now. Anna had suggested I call him, and had started looking and asking around for phone books from the Appalachian area of North Carolina so I could get in touch with him.
And to be honest, I was a little embarrassed to call Andrew Greenwood and admit what had happened. We’d shared a few hours of no-strings-attached sex, and somehow, I’d gotten stuck with the strings. He hadn’t signed up for that.
I dreaded the call. I’d told him the one thing I wanted was freedom… and now, I was the exact opposite of free, because I had his children.
I shook Andrew Greenwood from my head. I’d have to call him eventually, because he deserved to know the truth. And I knew the child support could make a huge difference.
My mother stared at Matthew, looking into the beautiful brown eyes that I knew came from me and my side of the family. His dark lashes clumped together from his tears.
“Do you regret it,” she asked softly, so my father wouldn’t hear as he stacked casseroles in my freezer.
I didn’t hesitate. “No.”
Even now, with two crying children, and an impossible journey ahead of me, I knew I didn’t regret my night with Drew, or the sons he’d given me. In the few hours I spent with him, he made me feel more treasured and loved than I ever had before. He listened to me, saw me as an equal, and treated me with more affection and regard than I’d ever experienced, and not just sexually. Our small talk in the car and post-orgasm came back to me, and I remembered the casual way we’d spoken. And the easy way we’d flirted at the bar.
That was all I’d ever wanted.
And he gave me the two most beautiful boys in the world. I knew I would make it, one way or another, and I’d make sure my sons were kind, and loving, and brave, and strong, and everything a good man should be. I’d love them with my whole heart, and do whatever I could do to make their lives wonderful. Even if that was the only thing I ever did with my life, I would raise Matthew and Jacob Steel to be good men.
I tried to imagine what my life would be like, in this very moment, if instead of whispering my plea of seduction, I’d told Drew, ‘maybe another time.’ I liked to think he would have kissed me, winked, and left me to fend for myself at the bar. Then I would have gone home, and…
And what? Finished classes? Wrote more papers? Hooked up with more frat boys?
And did I really regret getting pregnant? Did I regret having my sons? I looked at their little bodies curled up against eachof us. My little humans that belonged to me, that were my own flesh and blood.
I’d always envisioned having children… I just didn’t think it would be so soon, and on my own.
“No,” I said again. “I don’t regret it. I don’t think I ever will.”
