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And so he does. He even walks me inside.
* * *
The next few days are a whirlwind of sorrys, tears, well wishes, and more food than we could imagine.
Lots of people came to show their respects for Mason, including teachers and coaches from high school. The entire football team from Sierra Cove. All of it was overwhelming, from the wake, to the funeral, and the big dinner afterward.
I felt like I was on the outside, watching everything from a distance, as hundreds of people came by and offered sympathy. I went through the motions, grateful for their kind words, and caring hugs.
But do they know?
Do they really know what it’s like to lose half of themselves in less than ten seconds? Their entire life blown to smithereens in mere moments.
No, I doubt it. So how sorry are they really?
But I smile and hug back, pretending I’m all there when I’m not. Instead I’m either numbly staring at nothing or lost in a memory of Mason. Those are much better than the current reality I’m facing. The reality without him.
I think about all of his things and his apartment with Asher, still full of his clothes. My parents were only able to grab a few things for now. How is Asher even handling that? How can he bear to be around all of his stuff and not go crazy from the emotions?
Everywhere I look, especially now at home, there’s a memory or reminder of Mason.
Remember that time when we sled on toboggans down the hill and Mason fell off and hurt his head.I picture the large hill in the park a couple of miles away.
Remember that time on the swings when Mason pushed you so high and fast you fell off and sprained your ankle.I stare at the very spot in the backyard where the swing set used to be.
Remember the Christmas we staked out the living room together in hopes of spotting Santa only to pass out after an hour of keeping watch.I think as I sit on the living room couch.
Remember the first time we learned to drive and Mason hit a tree while backing out of the driveway.I play the scene out in my head as if it just happened.
All of the memories crush me under their weight yet I can’t stop them.
So I keep on drowning while everyone says sorry to my family and goodbye to Mason.
I keep on drowning in those memories because they’re the only things making me fight to stay afloat.
* * *
“Is there anything I can do?” Chloe asks as we sit side by side on my bed. I wish she were here in my childhood room under better circumstances, instead of the fact that we just buried my brother in the ground.
“Just you being here and sitting with me is enough.”
“I’ll sit with you anytime you need me to.”
“Does the pain go away, Lo? Does it ever get easier to move past this?” Tears spill down my cheeks and drip onto my hoodie. I play with the blanket in my lap and choke back a sob.
“I don’t know, Mads. But what I do know is we’ll make sure his memory lives on forever by always remembering him and saying his name.”
Her words make me cry harder and she wraps her arms around my frame. She’s crying now too.
“Mason, the funniest guy I knew.” Lo says as she rubs my back. “Mason, the guy who was always down to party.”
Lo launches into a story of a recent party where Mason and Tyler were playing hacky sack and taking shots every time they missed. The two were so drunk they could barely stand by the end. But the jokes kept flowing. Lo says she’s never seen Tyler laugh so much.
“He was pretty funny.”
“Everyone loved him. Not a person who met him ever had a bad thing to say about him. And he would want you to be happy, Mads.”
“But it seems impossible. I can’t be happy without him.”
