Page 44 of Always Him

“How long have you known?” I whisper.

“I don’t know. Since middle school, I guess.”

“Why…why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, and he shrugs. He motherfucking shrugs. Likeno big deal I kept this part of me from you for years.

My eyes water and I feel my chin start to wobble. Because he never told me. Why didn’t he tell me?

“Does Logan know?” I ask, my voice raspy.

Finn frowns. “It never came up.”

I bite my trembling bottom lip and Finn’s eyes snag on it.

“Landon,” he begins, but I just shake my head, turning my gaze, unable to look at him. How had I missed this? My mind scrambles for an explanation, but I don’t have one. I’m a terrible friend—terrible to have missed this and terrible that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me.

Finn’s hand snakes out as if to touch me, but then it falls to his lap, tapping an uneven rhythm onto his leg.

We sit in silence, me drinking my coffee, feeling a little nauseous and hurt, and all the things.

I feelallof the things.

When I’m done with my drink, Finn sighs and moves to stand up.

“I’ll get you another,” he says and I reach out, grabbing onto him.

“I don’t want one.”

His brow furrows, but he nods and leans back, his hand flexing on his thigh. His jaw is clenched again, his teeth working back and forth.

“This is why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to feel weird around me,” he says quietly, and my eyes narrow and I feel the flush of anger rise inside of me, hot and blistering.

“Oh,fuck you,” I hiss, and then stand up as quickly as I can, moving with a purpose out of the coffee shop. Gah, this man. I need space.

I need all the space right now or I’m going to bite his head off.

Finn and I have never fought. I have never felt like this before, this ugly pinched feeling in my chest. When I’d lost my leg, I went to a dark place, but that was me lashing out at him. At everyone. I wasn’t angry with him, not really. But now I am.

I am a furnace. I’m going to burn the world down.

“Where are you going?” Finn asks, trailing after me and I come to a stop on the far end of the sidewalk, a slight mist hanging in the air. But I don’t feel it. No, I feel nothing but fury.

“I am going to walk to my parents’. You can meet me there,” I say and then move to stomp off, but Finn reaches out and grabs onto me, pulling me against him.

“You’re not walking. It’s too far.”

“I am walking, Finn. I’m too upset to be in an enclosed space with you.”

Then a tear slips from my eye and rolls down my cheek. Finn’s eyes trail after it and he groans, his hands tightening on my biceps almost painfully.

“Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry,” he whispers, broken.

“It would have changednothing,” I reply, my words coming out fractured. More tears slip out of my eyes and wet my cheeks. “I am offended…” I hiccup. “I am offended that you thought you had to keep that part of you hidden. From me.” I poke at my chest roughly. “From motherfuckingme, Finn. Like I wouldn’t accept you…like I wouldn’t still fucking love you!”

He pulls me closer, his forehead resting against mine.

“I’m sorry….”

I inhale shakily, unable to stem the flood and just grasp onto his shirt and cry.

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