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“Yeah, we should talk about us. I think we should at least be on the same page about whether love exists or not,” I said. Obviously, I should have asked some more relevant questions before we kissed the first time.
Too late now.
“Layne,” Honor said in a tired voice. “I’m not saying that I don’t believe in love at all. I’m just more realistic about it. We have different life experiences that led us to our conclusions.”
I hated when she talked all logical and businesslike about something like this.
“So, you do believe in love?” I asked. That was the question I just really needed an answer to. If she didn’t, then all of this was over. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t think there was a possibility that we could someday be in a committed relationship together.
“I believe in the potential for love, yes, I do. I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to experience it. I’m not going to hang my hopes on something that might not happen. It’s a matter of practicality.”
I took a deep breath. While that wasn’t the best answer, I could work with it. My new personal goal: make Honor believe in love.
“Okay,” I said. “Then that’s that.” I picked up my lobster roll and took a big bite.
“Is it?” she asked.
I lifted my shoulder, pretending to be casual. “Yeah. I mean, did you want to discuss it further?”
She shook her head. “No.”
“So let’s move on. Eat your lobster roll, Honor.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
“Don’t waste good lobster,” I fired back, and she smiled at me and we were back to normal. Mostly.
* * *
Honor stayedfor a while and chilled with me on the couch, her arm around my shoulder and our legs entwined as we propped them on the ottoman. She wanted to watch more of the sitcom, so I put it on and listened to her laugh.
I couldn’t focus on the show because I was seething at all the damage that Honor’s mother had done to her. She hadn’t been born not believing in love, not believing in having friends. No, an adult had pounded those ideas into her head and warped her view of the world, and if I ever met that woman, I didn’t know what I would do.
I was really curious to meet her sister, to see how she had grown up in the same environment. Did she share Honor’s beliefs?
Honor deserved to be loved. To be cherished. To have someone spoil her, and not just with money. Spoil her with attention and care and consideration. She needed someone who valued her, and not just for what she looked like.
I was more than up to that task.
My fingers crept up to her hair and I stroked her scalp with my fingers as she made a little contented noise.
“That feels nice,” she said.
I continued to touch her hair as she snuggled closer into me.
“When did you know you liked girls?” I asked her after I’d turned the volume down on the show.
“I’m not sure. I think I always did, but there was a lot of denial. Since I liked boys too, it was easy to convince myself I was straight to fit in.”
I nodded.
“What about you?” she asked.
“I remember telling my parents I wanted to marry a princess from a movie, and they were not okay with that idea when I was young, and I think I internalized it. So when I had crushes on girls, I got really good at hiding it. They were so happy when I pretended to date guys, but that got old and then I finally came out freshman year of high school and it didn’t go well. My brother came out that same year as trans, so it really was the two of us against the world. Like, on the surface they were supportive, as long as I didn’t hold hands with a girlfriend, or as long as my brother didn’t ask them to call him Liam instead of his deadname. Their support was conditional on us being quiet queers and as soon as I was old enough to move out, I did. Liam moved in with me as soon as he could. We haven’t gone fully no-contact with our parents, but we pretty much only hear from them at Christmas when they send a card and some random presents. They sent me a bunch of oven mitts and random books last year.”
My parent’s terrible presents were kind of legendary. Every year I’d do an unboxing with Joy and Syd and we’d try and figure out what they’d been thinking when they sent me whatever it was.
Honor leaned into my hand and I scratched lightly at her scalp.
