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‘Do you regret it?’ That was a question I really needed to be answered.
‘Regret? I don’t think I am the one who has something to regret. I didn’t enjoy it either, if that’s what you were really asking.’ She was lying. I knew it from every single breath that got lost in the back of her throat
And I was to expose her. ‘That’s not what I saw from where I was standing.’
‘What you saw was a physical reaction to an external stimulus. Body anatomy, no feelings whatsoever.’ She was trying to explain the functions of the body to me of all people.
I knew those fucking functions all too well. The same way I knew that when it came to me, we moved a while ago from just the physical part. Maybe we were never justthereand I didn’t have the courage to admit it to myself until that point.
However, her words stung me, and I was never the type to bite back my tongue. ‘Nofeelings. Right. People don’t have feelings for murderers. Do they?’
‘I’m not sure how many others you’ve killed, but if you’re referring to the night of the party, you’re not a murderer. You were just a loyal man seeking justice for his friend. Though I do hope you also found the power to forgive yourself for your fathers’ mistakes. Not that you were the one to blame for them in the first place.’ She was trying to find excuses for me when we both knew, there were none.
‘What the fuck do you see in me, Bea?’ I had to ask. And I needed to prepare myself for a true answer, therefore I took another sip from the whiskey bottle I brought along which slid like fire down my throat.
‘I see a great man. A loyal friend to both Ferris and Cole. But I also see a man incapable of managing his feelings.’
Shit, she was bringing upfeelings. A concept I had feared for so long, yet one I could no longer avoid.
‘The feelings for you?’ I attempted to seem casual, but casual was miles away from what I was experiencing.
‘You don’t have feelings for me.’ Bea was trying to sound bitchy about it, but I wasn’t buying into her act, the same way I was no longer buying into my self-imposed lines.
She’s just an object used for my satisfaction.Then why the fuck couldn’t I be at peace not knowing what she’s doing every second of the day?
A few more sips of whiskey managed to exploit any weakness that was already there to its max, leaving me to ask her a rhetorical question meant to shake her fucking world. ‘You think your pussy is so special that I would have risked my life for it?’
‘I think your need to ownthings, to collect them is so special to you that you would risk your life for them. The need of no one sayingnoto you!’
‘Is that what youneedto believe in order that you can carry through with your end of the deal?’ That night I felt tired of playing games, especially the ones that were aimed at our hearts.
However, she didn’t get the message. Or maybe she was plain ignoring it. ‘Yes, that’s what I believe. You wouldn’t have touched me with Ferris and Cole being present if I wasn’t more than just apussyto you.’
Jesus, I couldn’t believe that we were going intothatdiscussion. ‘You really don’t get it, do you? I didn’t do that to embarrass you. Sure, that torment in your eyes turned me on, but I did it so that you would realize Idon’t mind sharing when it comes to Cole or Ferris!It wasn’t a bluff. The punishment was just an excuse. I did it so that you’d understand that you like it, even if you won’t admit it.’
‘Are you done?’ She was still playing the victim.
But I knew better. ‘No. I’m not fucking done with you, Bea. I don’t know when the fuck I’ll be able to be done with you.’
My own confession frightened me.
Lately, it seemed that no matter what I might have been doing, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. And that was pissing me off way over my limits.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew exactly what was happening to me. How her presence was becoming a fucking addiction. And how I wasn’t going to do anything to stop it — just for that night.
‘I don’t want anyone else,’ It was with the last of my strength that I spoke the words. At least the last of my strengths to fight it.
‘You’re drunk,’ she was trying to find excuses for me when I gave up searching for them myself.
Yes, I was fucking drunk. Drunk enough to stop trying to keep myself in line for every fucking second on the clock. ‘Maybe I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m not telling the truth.’
And I was about to show her that exact truth as my arm wrapped around her waist, bringing her insanely close to me.
‘What are you doing?’ she uttered, sensing the rush of pretty much everything that was vibrating between us.
‘I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore,’ That was the only truth that I knew at that moment — I had no idea what I was doing anymore and a perfect idea of what was happening to me.
An inner force was warning me that if I didn’t taste her lips right then I would probably lose all capacity to breathe. I couldn’t stop myself from driving my mouth onto hers and let ourselves fall into the madness that could no longer be kept under control.
