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“Which way are you leaning?”
“Leaving,” she said simply. She didn’t take her eyes from the water at first, but after a few moments of silence, she shot me a cautious glance.
I had a nearly overwhelming compulsion to take her hands and ask her to stay in Manhattan. The bigger part of me that cared about her happiness wanted to tell her to leave–chase her dream. But I wanted to tell her I’d be right behind her, wherever she went. And then I thought about how much that would fuck things up for her, no matter what she might be thinking. I imagined coming out with her to a place like Fairhope. Instead of a fresh start, she’d have me at her side. Things would probably be good for a little while. Great, even. Then I’d do what I always did and find a way to fuck it up. And then? Then she’d probably decide small town life wasn’t the dream she’d imagined.
If I let myself be greedy for a few months of happiness with her, I might put a stain on her future that I couldn’t ever erase. It wasn’t worth the risk–not for her.
So I smiled, nodding. “Chase the dream, right?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said. “But is it normal if I don’t even know? I mean, who says this dream of mine is going to make me happy? What kind of lame dream is that?”
“The only kind,” I said, smiling. “The best kind, actually. If you don’t know, that means it’s a risk. It means you’re putting everything on the line. You’re risking something you don’t think you can afford to risk, and you know what? The only shit worth that kind of risk is the real stuff. If you’re thinking about that kind of risk, you know you’re on the right track. You’re trying to live your life. Maybe you’ll screw it up, but you’re trying. That’s the important part.”
Pearl looked suddenly deep in thought. She stared down at her hands on the railing, eyebrows drawn together. “Isn’t that the opposite of what we both said we’d do six months ago? When we swore off relationships? We said no person was worth that kind of risk anymore.”
“Yeah,” I said. I felt something heavy settle in my chest. “I guess it was.”
“And you’re still going to stick to it?”
“Forever? No. I don’t think I ever really believed that. I’m sure some pretty little firecracker will come along eventually. Someone who makes me question everything I thought I knew.”
Pearl chewed her lip. “But she hasn’t yet?”
I chuckled. “Oh, she has. But I don’t know how many times I can do the right thing and stick to my guns before I get weak and give in. How many Pearl Moreno’s can come along before a man finally gives in and takes one for himself?”
“So eventually, but not with me?” she asked. Her voice was so small and delicate that it practically tore my fucking heart out.
I knew exactly what she wanted to hear. The worst part was, I wanted to say the words she wanted. I wanted to scream them so the whole town would hear. I want you, Pearl. I’ve never wanted something so badly in my life, and that’s exactly why I can’t have you.
“Maybe,” I said. “Yeah. Some other girl. Eventually, I guess.” I hated saying it, but did it anyway. It was bullshit. I knew it was, but Pearl didn’t. And if she didn’t know, then maybe she’d stop hanging her hopes on me. Maybe she’d move on. She could realize she was ready to date again and that the right guy was still out there. Sure, maybe I’d want to strangle the next guy to put his hands on her, but what I didn’t know wouldn’t kill me. I’d have to cut contact after this. Completely.
“We should head back,” Pearl said. Her voice sounded thick, and it tore up my insides all over again to hear it–to know I’d caused that kind of pain.
But a little pain now was better than a lot later, right?
I wasn’t sure. All I could do was keep following down the path I’d started on. All I could do was keep hoping I wasn’t making the biggest mistake of my life.
31
PEARL
Dean ended up getting pulled into the basketball game about an hour after we’d arrived. He was hilariously bad at shooting the ball, but good at the other parts. I sat in the bleachers beside Molly and Billy Ashford, who were losing their voices already with how much they were cheering for their dad, Greyson. I thought about how half the men in this town looked like they belonged in some kind of shirtless firefighter magazine, especially the two Ashford men.
It was a different kind of community than I was used to in Manhattan. Sure, I knew plenty of people in the city, but I also had to go out of my way to make sure I saw them. As someone with constant anxiety that I barely kept at bay, that was a tall order. I could’ve called or texted half a dozen people back home and met for drinks pretty much any night, but I usually wound up just hanging out with Marley when she invited me.
