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And if it’s a girl? Will he even want to have anything to do with her? I’ve asked myself that question before so many times, but now it’s not hypothetical anymore. Everything feels a lot more real, and the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been.
I almost loathe the life growing in me. On the other hand, I love it. My baby, a piece of me. I wipe away a tear as it rolls down my cheek, still staring down at my flat stomach and knowing it won’t be that way for very long.
He’s going to get up eventually. I don’t want there being any evidence of my morning sickness for him to find later. I carefully clean the toilet before getting in the shower, and by the time I’m out and on my way back to my room, his bedroom door is open. He must have used another bathroom when he found me already using this one.
What am I supposed to do? The question plagues me as I go through the motions of getting ready for my day. I’m not even thinking about it, simply going from one step to the next. My mind may as well be a million miles away.
A baby. What am I supposed to do? What’s my move? If I tell him I’m pregnant, I doubt he’ll let me go to school. He probably won’t even let me out of the house, period. He’ll be too worried about something happening to me, keeping me safe, whatever he needs to tell himself as an excuse to control me. I don’t want that any more than I want him to ignore me sexually.
I don’t want to be without that. Even when he uses me and leaves me, it’s better than nothing. How am I supposed to live under the same roof with him knowing he’ll never touch me again?
I’m no closer to an answer by the time I walk slowly down the stairs. My feet are as heavy as my heart, which is filled with dread and doubt. What do I do? What’s the best thing for me, for my baby?
“Good morning.”
I almost drop my backpack on the floor at the sound of Enzo’s voice coming from the kitchen. He’s watching me, standing by the coffee maker. “Do you want a cup?”
Shit. I’m not supposed to have caffeine, am I? Or is it okay in moderation? I’m not a hundred percent sure I’m pregnant yet, but I already have to think about this. He’s waiting for an answer, his brows lifting higher the longer I make him wait.
“Sure,” I decide. I don’t have to drink all of it, anyway, but if I refuse it, he’ll know something’s up.
“How was your night?” He would pick today to decide he cares about my life, wouldn’t he? If I didn’t know better, I would swear he’s aware of something being different.
“Too short,” I admit, snickering a little as I pull a travel cup down from the cabinet.
He’s standing too close, leaning on the counter while I pour my coffee. What’s with the lack of boundaries today? Why now, of all times? “I noticed you were up earlier than usual this morning. Everything okay?”
My hand shakes, and I splash a little. “Oh sure. I had to get a little extra homework done before class.”
“I’ll give you credit. I don’t know that I would be so dedicated to my work if I knew I didn’t really need to do it.”
This again. “I’ve always been a serious student. Kind of nerdy, I guess.”
“Like I said, I give you credit.” As he passes, he places a hand on my back. I can’t believe how good it feels, how a ripple of pleasure moves through me. At the same time, I wish he wouldn’t touch me because all it does is make me suspicious. He’s too interested in me this morning.
I’m being paranoid. I know it. And I can’t afford to tip my hand by acting all weird and fidgety.
“I need something to do, anyway. Something to keep my brain busy.” I fix up my coffee, and take a sip, hoping I don’t end up screwing my baby up somehow. I need to get a test. How am I supposed to get a test without him knowing about it? Maybe they have some at the convenience store close to campus, but that would mean getting rid of Paolo somehow. Could I order one online? Again, how can I guarantee I’d be able to get it here without somebody opening the package to see what I ordered? I wouldn’t put it past Enzo to do that.
“Do you want something to eat?” he asks. “We haven’t sat down to have breakfast together in a while. I thought since I had a little time this morning…”
This is torture. It’s absolute torture. Here he is, actually being nice, and all I want to do is get the hell out of this house before he knows for sure there’s something up. “Actually, I was just going to grab a banana and a protein bar or something like that and eat once I get to school. I’m kind of distracted—I have an exam today.” I don’t, but it’s not like he would know either way. I doubt he gets reports from my instructors, no matter whether his name is on my file.
“Okay. Are you feeling all right?”
“Just distracted. Like I said, for some reason, it still matters how I do in school.”
I feel better when he rolls his eyes. “Fine. Have a good day, I guess.”
“You, too.” Paolo is always waiting for me out in the car, and this morning is no exception. I’m glad for that since I wouldn’t want to have to wait around for him and deal with Enzo’s penetrating stare.
He’s going to find out eventually. I need to accept that, just like I need to accept how my life is going to change once he does.
16
ENZO
“We’re close to finding him. Trust me on that.” Prince stands before me, hands clasped behind his back, his chin held high. Defensive, and with good reason, since I’m ready to tear his head off for letting me down.
