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Nate nods at her and waits until she comes to me while he uses the wall for support to remain standing.
Gwen keeps staring at him, but I pull her inside and slam the door in his face.
Her gaze is shifty and she’s clinking her nails manically. Kids avoid their parents’ gazes when they’ve done something wrong, but Gwen has never been like that. She tells me head-on about her wrongdoings. She only ever avoids eye contact when she’s in pain and doesn’t want to show it.
Because it’d hurt me, too, and she’s said she never wants to be the source of my pain.
Until that fucker Nate played with her mind.
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“Hurting you. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to, but it’s not like I could choose, you know?”
“This isn’t your fault. It’s his for using you.”
Her head snaps up and the green in her eyes rushes forward. “No, Dad. No. He didn’t use me. Never. If anything, I made the first move, okay? I kissed him on my eighteenth birthday because I had this major crush on him that wouldn’t go away, no matter how much I told myself it was wrong. I even wrote the wordcrushon my list, but I couldn’t desensitize myself to him. Still, I tried, I really tried, Dad. I dated and went out. I forced myself to think of him less, but it became more. My feelings were unrequited for such a long time that I hated myself for having them. But you know what? I’m not going to apologize to you or him for the way I feel. I love him and it’s none of anyone’s business. It’s mine and I choose to have these feelings, Dad. I chose to love him. No one made me do it.”
She’s breathing heavily, chest rising and falling in a frantic rhythm, and a tear slides down her cheek.
Fuck. Fuck.Fuck!
She’s too far gone for the motherfucker—whose death I will make the most painful possible.
“Gwen, Angel, listen to me. Those feelings could just be a manifestation of sentiments of your dependency because you only had him around when I was gone.”
“Can everyone stop using that word? It wasn’t dependency or neediness or a ruse of the moment. I’ve liked him since I was fifteen and those hormonal little girl feelings transformed into more. I liked him since I knew what liking someone means and it only grew deeper with time. I know what I feel more than anyone else, more than you and him, because unlike both of you, I’m not scared of my feelings. No matter how strong they are, no matter how overwhelming they get, I own them and wear them as a badge for the world to see. So don’t tell me I’m mistaking anything.”
My fists clench and I have this need to punch someone, Nate preferably. But I release them because she’s watching my hands with wild eyes.
The motherfucker was right. She is scared of me.
“I would never hurt you, Angel.” I try to soften my voice.
“You already did by hurting him, Dad.”
“So you’re taking his side now? First, he betrays me, then he touches you and now he turns you against me? What will it be next?”
“No, Daddy.” She wraps her clammy, trembling hands around mine. “I’m on both your sides. It kills me that you’re fighting. I can’t take it.”
“You can’t be on both our sides.”
“Dad…”
“You won’t be with him, Gwen. It’s not up for discussion.”
“But why? Didn’t you say you’d only let me be with someone I love with all my heart? That someone is Nate, Dad.”
“You think he is, but you’re too young to know for sure. You still haven’t met the right person.”
“It’s him. I know it. I’ve known it since I was eighteen, and stop using my age as a deciding factor. It’s just a number. I’m old enough to make my own decisions.”
“I’ll never approve of you with Nate, Gwen. It’s either him or me.”
A sob catches in her throat and she shakes her head frantically. “Daddy…don’t do that, please. Please don’t make me choose.”
“Him or me. You can’t have both.”
