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Also, a part of me is fighting it, too. It’s the same part that couldn’t survive without her and has turned my life into a living hell since she’s been gone.
Her palms flatten on my chest and she softens her voice. “I know, Knox…I know about your past and why you find it hard to get close and I understand, I—”
“Stop talking.” The rage from earlier resurfaces again and this time, it’s for entirely different reasons.
The shadows swirl around my head in a thick fog with the need to hurt her.
To shut up the woman who shouldn’t have seen them in the first place.
But I clamp that need down, my fingers flexing so I don’t hurt her. “How the fuck do you know?”
“P-Papa…he can find out everything about anyone.”
“Fuck.” My fist clenches and I realize it’s on her throat. She’s wheezing, her face reddening from the lack of air, and I release her with a jerk and start to sit up, but she grabs my cheeks, pulling me back down.
I use my arms to keep from crushing her with my weight, but Anastasia doesn’t stop there, she doesn’t stop with her fingers stroking my face or when her tits are inches from my heaving chest.
Her eyes trap mine and her voice trembles a little when she speaks, “It’s okay, you don’t have to hide from me. You don’t have to look the other way or be ashamed of who you are.”
“Even though I was a whore?”
“You weren’t.” The certainty and power in her voice stabs me in the fucking part of my chest I thought died twenty years ago. “You were an abused child and it wasn’t your fault. It was theirs, your mother’s and whoever she brought over. Just like it was my stepfather’s fault that my mom was abused and beaten to death. It’s never the victim’s fault, no matter what anyone says.”
I wipe the tears that have escaped her lids with my thumb. “Don’t cry, not for this.”
She shakes her head, her hold tightening on my cheeks. “Don’t you get it? Ever since I learned about your past, I couldn’t sleep at night. I wanted to run away again, to find you and just hold you close. If I could, I would take it all for myself so you wouldn’t have to be shackled by it anymore. Your pain is mine, Knox. I feel it deep in my heart and I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“I have.”
“No, you haven’t. You just pretend you have, and I know it’s a coping mechanism, but I just want you to know that it’s okay if you’re tired of holding the mask in place. It’s okay if you want to drop it and just be you. I won’t look the other way. I promise.”
My hand finds her throat again, and I revel in the gulp and slight moan she releases. “You’re a fucking nuisance, did you know that? You’re not supposed to go digging in the darkest parts of me.”
“They’re still you and that’s all I care about.”
Well, fuck.
Just when I thought this woman couldn’t engrave herself under my skin any deeper, she goes ahead and digs herself a cozier nook where I’ll never be able to remove her.
And I want to shake her for it.
“You shouldn’t like those parts of me, not when I hate them myself.”
“You don’t get to tell me what I like about you.”
“Are you sure about that, Anastasia? Because there’s a shitload of fucking skeletons in my closet that you didn’t even know existed. I’ve been in bed with my demons for as long as I lived, ever since I was a clueless fucking child who still didn’t know what the world is all about. Ever since I had strange men touch me inappropriately and was too weak to stop them and save myself or my sister.”
“But you did.” Her voice is low, but it’s determined, as if she’s making sure to drive a point home. “You ran away. You saved both yourself and your sister. When no one stepped up to be your hero, you became one yourself. So no, Knox, you won’t scare me away. Those skeletons? I want to see them. And those demons? I will eventually chase them away.”
My jaw aches from how much I’m clenching it. I want to tell her no, that she’s not allowed near my fucking demons or else they will swallow her whole, but judging by the assertiveness written all over her delicate features, there’s no way in fuck I would change her mind.
And it boggles the shit out of me. The fact that she wants me, that she won’t shy away from any part of me.
Hell, she even wants to see me.Allof me.
Not only the beautiful façade or the charming character, but also every fucked up side I’ve swept under the rug for decades.
Bloodydecades.
