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What he’s capable of, unless I obey his orders.
And since that day, I have obeyed them to a fault. All their orders, except one.
Excepttheone.
God help me.
I’ve never talked to you too much about the war and the military, mom, because I don’t want you to think of me in situations like that. I know it will hurt you. But I gotta tell you, mom, it’s the army that messed everything up. Those two years in the army.
The day all my friends died, I got away with just a broken leg—and that lasted just long enough for me to be out of commission for a few months, and then I got sent home from the war.
And then my boss recruited me. You’ll hear the rest of the story in the news after I die, I expect. I don’t want to talk about my new boss right now.
I want to talk about my army friends… They are gone, I know, but somehow, they keep dying on me.
I’m still in that desert, and the bomb explodes.
They die in my nightmares almost every night, they die in my sleep. I am constantly surrounded by death. I have tried to exist on little to no sleep since I came back from the army, but it’s impossible to live with zero sleep. But sleep comes with memories. And there are no memories free of death, not for me.
Usually it’s not so bad, but tonight I kept throwing up and I couldn’t stop shaking for at least an hour. I thought I was having a heart attack, but I know that it’s just a panic attack. I took my pills, it finally went away.
It’s her.
She is the reason my PTSD is acting up.
She is bringing the memories of death to the surface. This whole place stinks of death: and I’m the reason.
Sh—
I’m sorry for almost swearing, mom.
I’m sorry for so much.
You’ll never know how sorry.
This wasn’t part of my job description.
But crying wasn’t either, and I am doing plenty of that. And lying, I keep lying to her.
I made her run away, I practically pushed her out the door with my own two hands. At least she might save herself if she’s away from me. I gave her a chance to live.
I am such a jerk. She must think me the biggest ass in the universe for the way I treated her. Well, I don’t know if I am a jerk, but one thing is for sure:
I am the bad guy.
Still, I did it. I sent her away. How is that for heroism, mom?
I’m sure they are already lining up the medals for me. Not.
Well, I sent her running for the woods, but I know I’ll have to run after her. She won’t be able to survive or find her way back on her own, even though she would be so much safer away from me and my boss’ orders. I did the one good thing I’ll ever do in my life.
Why do I have to undo it?
Not to mention that if I find her again, I might just lose what’s left of my self-control completely. I might not be able to do what I have to do. Worse, I might hurt her.
I keep wanting her, which is so far beyond forbidden, she might as well be living on the moon. She might as wellbethe freaking moon, she is so out of my reach. And it’s not just because she is the princess and the heir to the throne, that it’s never ever going to happen.
No matter how sweet and tough she is, and how impossibly soft her skin, and how gorgeous and perfectly curved her body. No matter how much I want to drown in her eyes every time she so much as glances at me. No matter how weak I get in my knees every time she turns to speak to me. And when she calls me ‘Marco’, I just can’t—
