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Chuck's jaw tightens, and I realize that I've been left out of the full truth. We stay silent for a few seconds before Chuck finally speaks again.
"Butch is fairly high up in the club, Ry. But he's not in charge, so to speak. He pulled some strings for me… for you. He went above his usual duties and got me the approval to be away, so that someone was here to protect you."
I straighten up. "What do you mean protect me? What do I need protecting from?"
He shakes his head. "Nothing, Ry. You're not in danger. But, you're like family to us. And starting new in a fresh town, after the shit you went through... we all wanted to make sure you landed on your feet. But whatever is happening in the club now, that's beyond Butch's power."
I stand up, walk down the three steps and start pacing the yard in front of Chuck. "Why don't you just leave the club then? You're happy here, right? I thought we were just happy?"
Chuck gives me a sad look, defeat written over his face. "I am happy here with you. But I made commitments to the Rebels. And when you make those types of commitments with a club, you don't just get to walk away."
Stopping, I glare at him, anger starting to boil within me. "Why not? You're a fucking adult."
He runs a hand through his hair in exasperation. "Ry… we're a fucking motorcycle club. We're notgood guys. Yeah… me, Butch, V… we're good people. But our ties to the club… they run deep. And we aren't on the right side of the law. The higher ups in the club, they make the decisions for us. If we want to walk away, they have toletus."
"This is fucking ridiculous!" I spit out. "You're an adult."
Chuck stands and grabs my arms gently. "I know. But there is more to clubs than you realize. And if I don't go back when summoned, there's consequences."
"Like what?" I ask, leaning into him.
He sighs, looking away. "People just… vanish. It's the way it is."
A wave of cold rolls through me. "Vanish? Like… dispose of you?"
"Don't… try to think about it, Ry. It's too hard. But it's up to you what you want to do. This is your life now. If I can get back to you, I'll come back. But I need to be at the club meeting tomorrow."
I hate the emotion that threatens to consume me. I can feel the familiar sting of tears in my eyes, something I hadn't felt in weeks. I feel like things were just starting to fall into place finally, and now this. I don't want Chuck to go… but I also don't want to go back. There's nothing left for me there.
"How long until you leave?" I finally ask, sitting down on the step.
Chuck sits next to me, wrapping his arm around me. "I'll stay tonight and leave in the morning. It will be okay, Ry. We'll figure it out."
I spent the rest of the day sulking. I shouldn't… I owe nothing to anyone. But Chuck has grown on me as a person, and it kills me that I had just gotten happy for once, and now things were being up-ended again.
And to make it worse, I had to work tonight. So, my remaining time with Chuck was going to be cut short.
It was times like this, I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see into the future. Instead, all I had was anxiety and heartache. When would it be my turn to be happy permanently? Is anyone even happy permanently?
Asher seemed like he had the perfect life, and look where that got him.
The worst part about these moods, is when I got into them, I pondered everything until it ate away at me. I hate not being in control, I hate not knowing things. It makes me feel helpless, so I snoop.
I make the mistake of logging onto Facebook. Partly to pass the time to turn off my mind, and partly so that I can find things out so I don't feel like I'm spiralling endlessly.
As soon as I open my newsfeed, it's flooded with memories of my old life. Pictures of Phoebe and Connor out having fun, Mom on her picture-perfect ranch with wine in hand, and…
Pictures of Asher and Jenny.
I'm not even friends with them anymore on there, but mutual friends from college have tagged them.
I'm sick to my stomach staring at them. For some reason, I assumed their relationship was over. Asher cheated on her, and Jenny was so upset. As she had the right to be. But to see them posing as if nothing was wrong… it didn't make any sense. And it also hurt. Because I lost everything, just for everyone to continue on as if life was normal.
I click my phone off, and throw it down the end of the bed. This time, I can't stop the wave of tears that come. So, I just bury my head into my pillow and silently cry until I'm all out of tears.
"You're worrying me," Carmen says, when I finally emerge after lunch in search of food.
I open the fridge, playing coy. "Oh? Why's that?"
