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And she thought all over again whether she could have another chance with Dean. That she had broken up with Randy because she knew in her heart, she wanted that chance. She didn’t want to be distracted from Dean by other men. No one else had ever really held her focus anyway. It was always Dean.
Something else she had to admit.
“Let’s eat. You must be as hungry as I am.” They walked into the kitchen.
“Drink?” she asked, setting the bag on the counter.
“Water is fine,” he said.
She grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and then divided the chips onto two plates alongside each delicious looking sub.
When they sat down, she took a bite of her sub and closed her eyes, an explosion of juicy meat, tangy tomato sauce, thick cheese, and soft bread. She sighed. “Wow, so good. Thank you for this.”
He nodded.
She chomped on a chip, then said, “I’m sorry about the Navy.”
He set down his sub and reached for the bottle of water, taking a swig. “How did you find out?”
“Chry. She only gave me the gist of the situation, but she said you had to retire.”
Pain flitted across his face, and she couldn’t help but reach for his hand. He tightened his fingers around hers. The silence between them was cheerless. With his jaw set, he sat back in the seat and turned to look out the window to the open spaces beyond her house.
As if trying to shut out a grim recollection, he closed his eyes, his grasp on her hand becoming almost painful. “Neo and Chry got themselves into a bind. I found out and I couldn’t turn my back on my brother again.”
“Again?” she whispered. It was hard for her to believe that Dean could have ever turned his back on Neo.
“It’s a long story, O. I’m here for you today. Let’s focus on how you’re really doing and dealing with going back to work next week.”
He was clearly ducking the question and any background she could get on him. Was she being foolish in thinking Dean would open up to her? Had she damaged their trust so badly in the past that he was shying away from confiding in her now? Or was it just his nature? Maybe he’d been so used to distancing himself from his family, the rigors of being a SEAL, stuff that hurt too much to poke at.
There was an awkward silence, and suddenly the companionship they had shared seemed like a distant memory. For just a few seconds they stared at each other, invisibly linked by an acute awareness, then Dean’s expression altered dramatically. Looking suddenly very haggard, he turned away, releasing her hand as if he were severing a vital link. He had barricaded his feelings behind an unyielding wall, and both of them, unfortunately, were going to have to live with that decision. At least for now.
She sighed, curling her fingers, missing his warmth and closeness. “I’m fine. Really. I’ve been doing this job a long time and will continue to do it to the utmost of my ability.” Trying to block out the ache that had settled in her chest, she picked up her sub and took a bite.
He dropped his gaze to his meal. “I don’t doubt your skills or determination, but if there’s residual emotion, it can affect you on a subconscious level. A brush with death is often a wake-up call to the real danger you’re in every day.”
“I know the dangers of the job, Dean.”
He didn’t look up, but she sensed that same tight control she’d witnessed often. He’d been the leader of seven men, going on deadly missions, managing their lives and their objective. The responsibility must have been enormous. “Have you been shot before?”
“No. No, I haven’t.”
“Just keep an open mind. It hits home how very fragile life really is.” There was a wealth of understanding and compassion in his eyes.
“Have you ever lost a teammate under your command?” she blurted out, not sure where that question came from. Maybe it was because he was so adamant, so sure about what he was saying.
“Several, as a matter of fact. You never forget and you know it’ll probably happen again. Combat is unpredictable. We had the best support, but even then, it’s always a possibility. I didn’t dwell on it. We’re trained so hard and so well to minimize casualties. Thank God it’s not often we lose a Tier One SEAL.”
“How did you deal with it?” she asked.
He tipped his head back, an expression of grim consideration in his eyes. “As a guy who’s used to being in control, in command, I never felt so helpless in my life. Death takes you when it’s time. I don’t dispute it. But if we can cheat it, we’ll damn well do our best to give the double-digit salute in defiance.”
That put a trace of a smile on her face. “Have you cheated death? Like me?”
A gleam of humor filled his eyes and his mouth quirked in a hint of a smile. “I have pissed off the Grim Reaper more than once.” He sobered. “Yes, I’ve cheated death.”
She raised her brows and grinned. “That’s badass,” she said, and his smile became more genuine. He stared at her for a moment.
