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“Snow White!” Linne gasps, coming out of the kitchen, wiping floury hands on her apron. My triumphant grin at the devastated look in his eyes quickly melts, replaced by chagrin.
Hanging my head, I mutter an apology and run down the hall, throwing the door open and leaping outside. Guilt hounds my heels. This isn’t me. When did I become the vindictive person that spews hatred?You could always hear him out,my logical side advises.He left you behind to be tortured and abused,my darker half sneers. Clutching at my head, feeling as if I’m being torn in two, I tear across the lawn, heading for my favorite spot. Plunging into the forest, I knock branches out of my way, stumbling as my vision blurs. The trees thin, and I fall onto the thick grass of the miniature clearing I found exploring one day.
It doesn’t come as a complete surprise when Cassian cautiously lies down next to me. I peek at him, but he’s staring up at the sky. “Remember when we were kids and we’d spend hours finding shapes in the clouds?” he murmurs.
My voice gets stuck behind the lump in my throat. Turning my gaze heavenward, I nod. Cassian turns his head toward me, but I stubbornly stare at the sky, refusing to meet his eyes. He scoots closer, then gently pushes his arm under my head and pulls me into his side. I stiffen but then the lingering anger deserts me, leaving nothing but heartache in its wake.
I roll onto my side, burying my head in the crook of his arm. Covering my eyes, I choke on a sob, my shoulders quivering. Cassian’s arm comes around my shoulders and pulls me tighter to him. “Shh,” he whispers. “I’m here now. All will be well.”
Great racking sobs rip from deep within me. I cry for Momma, for my lost childhood. I weep for the destruction of my innocence, for the suffering I was forced to endure. I wail for four years of lost hope and the loss of my childhood friend who I missed watching grow into a man.
Cassian holds me throughout, letting me relieve myself of years of pent-up torment. There’s nothing pretty or dainty about these cries. They are soul-deep and threaten to send me spiraling back into the darkness I once took so much comfort in.
Eventually, the crying turns to hiccups, then the hiccups to sighs. I push myself into a seated position. Cassian watches me solemnly, hesitation dancing across his face. We may have spent all these years apart, but he’s still my Cassian. I still know him. He wants to comfort me, but he’s scared I’ll lash out at him.
The guilt returns with a vengeance. I have been terrible to him. I’ve mocked him, pushed him away, thrown spiteful words at him.You don’t know why he was gone for so long,I remind myself.Maybe if you actually listened to him, you’d find out why.
Reaching out a trembling hand, I place it on his cheek. His eyes widen, a small smile on his lips. He covers my hand with his and closes his eyes, breathing out a deep breath. “Why did you leave me?” I whisper brokenly. “And why did you never come back? I waited for you. I peered out the window in the dungeons, day after day, praying to any god that would listen for you to return and save me from Morana. But you never came.”
The muscle in his jaw ticks, and he opens his eyes, locking on mine. “It’s a long story, Snow. I have so much to tell you. But it’s imperative the Valkyries hear it too, and I’d rather only tell it once.”
I nod, lying back down beside him. A brilliant white cloud glides past, lit by the sun. “That one looks like an elephant chasing a cat,” I whisper. Cassian hugs me tighter as we stare at the sky.
Chapter 19
Cassian
Thepastfewweekshave been hell and a lesson in restraint. After my ridiculous promise of allowing her time to be angry—which I regretted by day five—I made it my mission to stalk her. She’s like an untrained horse, skittish and nervous. She needs to learn I’m not a threat to her. I won’t hurt her. And I’ll never willingly leave her side again.
So I did just that. At first, I watched from the shadows, letting her feel my presence without seeing me. Then I subtly changed my line of attack. Suddenly, I was everywhere.
She was training? I was watching. She was feeding the chickens? I was a few feet away, chopping wood. Bathing? I was outside the door, my heavy footsteps pacing up and down the hall. I would have taken up sleeping on the floor outside her door at night if the sisters would have allowed it.
For two months she has refused to look at me, turned away from me, or used her razor-sharp tongue to eviscerate me. I won’t deny there haven’t been times I’ve wanted to shake her into silence, force her to listen to me, then kiss her senseless until she forgives me. But I’ve restrained myself. My guilt over having to leave her behind has dogged me after all these years. It’s never waned, no matter how many people tell me I had no other choice. I know I couldn’t have taken her at the time. My brain assures me repeatedly that I have nothing to feel guilty about. My heart, on the other hand, disagrees.
So I understand her anger. Her hurt. Her mind and heart are at war with each other, just as much as mine are. While mine argue over guilt and regret, hers quarrel over betrayal and injustice. Snow doesn’t know if she can trust me again, and I vow to do whatever I need to show her she can.
But after two months of bickering and avoidance, finally having her in my arms feels like a giant leap forward.
Forthefirsttime,all nine of us gather around the dining table. Previously, Fire Heart kept me company as I ate my meals in the stable, grateful to be fed at all. It was Kelda’s and Thyra’s turn to cook, and my stomach rumbles at the rich smells of freshly baked bread, hearty venison stew, and roasted vegetables. Hilda sets down jugs of mead and water amongst the little vases of flowers Snow picked to decorate the table. Several conversations are going on at once, and it has a decidedly festive feel to it. Perhaps because we have all come together, or maybe due to Snow White’s quiet laughter and sparkling eyes.
It seems our little getaway this morning has done the trick. This is the first time I’ve heard Snow’s laughter in years. My heart warms at the sound, and I want nothing more than to sit back and enjoy every moment. But a quiet urgency has taken up residence inside me. I don’t regret the time I’ve spent here—seeing Snow smile is everything—but I’m very aware of time passing. It’s easy to forget the outside world while ensconced in this idyllic little haven. I could easily spend many more months here, wooing Snow as she deserves. We could get lost in the golden glow of sunny days, of finding each other again.
But every day we’re here is another day Morana’s magic is creeping closer. People are dying, starving to death, while the country withers away. Others are being turned into the queen’s puppets, while more resort to thievery and murder. Valderán desperately needs help. Morana needs to be defeated, and Snow must take her rightful place as queen.
Snow White’s eighteenth birthday is in two days. When I informed her there was a clock on her anger, I chose her birthday for when her time is up. We can’t wait any longer.
Turning my attention back to the meal, I fill a bowl of stew for Snow and hand it to her. She peeks up at me through her lashes, her cheeks turning a charming shade of pink when she thanks me. I wink at her, then turn to my meal.
After we’ve eaten our fill, we retire to the common room. A fire burns cheerfully in the fireplace, and two of the Valkyries light candles placed sporadically around the room. The low-beamed ceiling and glow from the fire lend the room a particularly cozy and intimate feel. The sisters take seats around the room, and I usher Snow into a comfortable-looking chair. There are no further seats. For a moment, I debate lifting Snow and putting her on my lap, but decide against it. Our truce seems too new and fragile for such liberties. Instead, I settle on the floor at her feet and begin my story.
I start at the last time I saw Snow, outside the dungeon window. Tilting my head back, I look up at her. “I never wanted to leave you,” I begin. “I argued with my father. I wanted nothing more than to steal you away, take you with me.” A tear slips from her eye, and she gives me a tremulous smile.
“Alaric convinced me there was no safe way to extricate you from the dungeon. Your injuries were severe, and between the huntsmen, servants, and ravens, the chances of us getting out alive were slim to none. He was terrified we would be given the traitors’ death.”
I tell them of my journey to Granton, how I met the Beast in the forest. Snow White gasps. “You met the Beast? Was he terribly frightful?”
My fists clench when I remember how Morana used to threaten to sell Snow to him as if he were some kind of mindless, raging animal that couldn’t control himself. “I was nervous at first, but over time, we became great friends.” Everyone listens raptly as I share the Beast’s story. A few sniffles are heard at the tale of the destruction of his family.
