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“No, we don't talk about my business. What happens outside our home stays there.”
Despite me making it clear it wasn’t up for discussion, she pushes. “You did when I was here before. I've heard everything from smash and grabs, to murders ordered, hits that went wrong—"
“It's time I went to bed. Good night.” I let go of her and roll out of bed, ignoring the sound of her sniffling behind me. I hate that I made her cry. But I need to set boundaries and keep to them. For her sake as well as mine.
Chapter25
Celia
The next fewdays are tense—something is going on. Milos is gone when I wake up, as are his brothers. They are out of the house all day. Only once have his brothers made it home in time for dinner. I don't dare press Milos, who thank god comes to me every night. After that first night I keep my mouth shut, simply enjoying falling asleep in his arms.
Thursday Carina appears at the house in tears. The moment I see her she throws her arms around me. “Sweetie, what's the matter?”
She sobs. “Carlo is making me marry. A guy out of Vegas. Luca is going to stay in Chicago and take over Tony's territory. Luca’s number two is being forced to marry me in exchange for taking over. It's awful. He's so gorgeous. A man like him wants nothing to do with me. He stares at me like he's looking at living bubonic plague. I can't do it.”
Fucking Carlo. I hold her while she cries. It takes more than an hour to calm her down.
“Run away with me,” she begs.
“Oh honey.” I hug her tight. “I can't. I love you so much but I can't.”
“Because you want to marry your man.” Her lower lip trembles.
I nod. I wish to hell things could be different for her. “What about one of Milos’s brothers? They’re in Philadelphia but…”
“No.” She sighs. “I don't want to have to learn Russian. I know you love Milos, but Russians seem so cold.” Her face scrunches up with distaste.
“I know it seems that way, but they aren't really. Milos...” I blush as I think of the change in him over the last few days.
“What’s that blush for?” She sniffles. “Give me good news here. I need something to take my mind off this death sentence.”
Since the living room is open, I drag her with me to the sunroom. Outside everything is taking shape beautifully.
“Ooh, that good. We have to go in the corner.” Carina teases. “I knew it, tell me.”
“Honestly, I just stopped fighting him. Before I did it I thought it was going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When I let go it wasn’t. Ever since, Milos has been…” I marvel at the change in him. “He’s been…kind of amazing.”
“I don’t understand why you wanted to fight him when you love him. And he’s only ever taken care of you. Everything you told me, except him telling you to leave and never come back, he has taken care of you. Even then it seemed like it. He wanted you badly—guys have a hard time getting their desire under control. The more I thought about it, I think he was telling you to leave because he’d already told you to leave and you didn’t and stayed. He was afraid he wouldn’t stop.” Her eyes shimmer with confusion.
Hearing her say it stings a little. She’s right. “Before him telling me to leave, I probably wouldn’t have. You’re right. He’s only taken care of me. I didn’t see that day the way you did until you just said it. It felt like he was taking me over, not giving me any choice. Fighting felt normal to me. I’ve only ever fought. No one has ever taken care of me before. I thought he was trying to control me, because that's how Carlo was. Ever since I was a kid, I felt like I was fighting. Fighting for attention from Mom, fighting against Carlo for not being the father. I wanted him to be. Fighting for who I wanted to be.”
“Anything but what they wanted us to be.” She sighs.
“I envied you doing the cosplay and doing your own business thing. But I wanted to be normal and blend in. I wanted the life of a civilian. Only that was never going to happen.” I can admit it now, to her and myself.
“One time I asked Nonna why she taught us to pick locks and shoot guns, if she was promising us we would get money to go to school with. She said at some point we have to let go of the life we want and live the life we have. At the time it felt like she was telling me the life I wanted was never going to happen. It made me fight harder for it. She might have been forced into a mafia marriage to a man she didn't love when she was sixteen. But I would be different.”
Her exhale of breath is shaky as our eyes meet. We both know there is no running from our destiny.
“It stung when I sat there in Carlo’s office. I was told I would live the life I had fought against for years. It didn't matter that I was in love with Milos. While he might want me, it was painful to consider living with that lack of love for the rest of my life. There is no divorce in the mafia. Only death would free you, and deep down I knew even if he died, I would never be free of him. He was deep in the marrow of my bones, the blood pumping throughout my body.” I wipe away tears I wasn’t aware were falling.
“But I think he does love you, Celia.” Her words are earnest.
I shake my head sadly. “I don't think so. But I do believe someday he will. In the end, this is who we are. While I was at school, I didn't fit in with them either. This is the world I belong in. We belong in. We wouldn't be happy outside of it. I'm not sure if it's because we've always grown up in it. Maybe our brains became wired differently by what we had as our version of normal.”
It's clear she doesn't like what I'm saying, but I can't help it. As much as I love her, I don't think she'll be happy with a man who isn't stronger than her. They don't come any stronger than mafia. When Carina leaves I have no doubt that no matter what promise she made me, she's going to run. I wish I knew what the hell to do about it.
After dinner that night, the first Milos is able to come home for, he guides me straight upstairs. His brothers tease him about saying he hadn't wanted dessert. Milos, however, doesn't crack a smile.
