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Phoenix
Daddy is happy. He’s holding me constantly today. I’m in his lap in the back of the car. I’m a bad girl for how happy I am he’s ignoring business to hold me. It wasn’t enough for me to lay my head on his thigh; he pulled me into his arms at his desk. While he was on the phone with his brothers it wasn’t a problem, but he couldn’t work while I was in his arms. So he ignored work, instead we talked about my dress and the wedding.
Since the dressmaker had my measurements, she would be creating a sample for me that would be ready in another week. Once I tried on the sample she would be able to give a completion date. I sighed in a dreamy haze at the idea of a wedding.
“I’m not sure about anything besides the dress,” I admit.
“You can get an idea from Milos and Celia’s wedding tomorrow.”
I go still at the idea of going to their large wedding. Daddy mentioned it when we saw the tent being delivered and rolled out.
“I will be right by your side. No one will touch you, baby girl,” he assures me.
He thinks it’s the people I’m afraid of—it’s only one though, Milos. I swallow the words. If Daddy is willing to turn his life inside out for me, I can do this—accept a life with the killer of my uncle in it.
The car stops, Boris is there holding the door open. Daddy undoes the seat belt, freeing me. I slide off his lap onto the concrete. The sight of people rushing around us is a shock. Daddy is in front of me, holding open the door to the building, offering his hand to me. I take it and enter the building first. It’s an older building with the office on the second floor. We take the stairs to find a pretty woman waiting outside an office door.
She raises a hand in a wave. “Mr. Levin, and this is Phoenix?” I nod, grateful she doesn’t offer her hand. “Hi, Phoenix. Please call me Charlie.” She chuckles at my surprise. “It’s Charlotte on the birth certificate because my mother wouldn't let my father have his way completely. But he got his way in the end. I'm Charlie after his father. Please have a seat.”
We follow her into the room. It’s a nice cozy room with a long couch in a soft purple velvet. There is another chair in a blue silky material and an overstuffed chair that matches the couch. Daddy sits down on the couch on one end. I’m not even certain why, all I’m aware of is the need to kneel at Daddy’s feet, so I do. I lay my head on his thigh and use my good arm to cling to him. Immediately, Daddy strokes my hair.
“It’s okay, baby,” Daddy murmurs low. “I’m right here. Thank you for meeting with us today. I just wanted to reiterate my concern in that some of the things we might speak of today or my wife might need to speak about in the future will be kept out of her records.”
“Mr. Levin, I appreciate you asking first. My most important reason for being here is to help. The reason I do this is to help women like your wife who have suffered things they can’t or won’t be able to divulge to the police. My father was a cop here in Chicago until he was busted for taking drugs from evidence. He was forced out as a dirty cop. I’m aware a badge doesn’t mean they are ‘good guys.’ My only concern is those coming to me are where they want to be. Not only with you as their partner, but here in this room. If they are not here for themselves, nothing we attempt will work. You mentioned you are willing to sit in on sessions if necessary. Why do you want to be here?”
“Anything I can do to help Phoenix, I will do. Often simply my presence is enough for her.”
Her eyes narrow. “No, there’s another reason. I need complete honesty from both of you. It’s why I’m willing not to get into the criminal element.”
Daddy looks down at me and sighs. “I’m worried for her. I am ruthless when it comes to getting what I want and keeping it. I fear her fawn trauma response, which feels like it’s come through more since she began calling me daddy, will have her more concerned about my happiness than her own. I’m afraid she’s going to wake up one day and resent me.”
I’m confused. I’ve never heard the wordfawnin my life in reference to a trauma response.
Charlie nods. “Phoenix, afawnin regards to this discussion is how some survivors grow and cope in response to trauma. They seek to people please to keep the peace, in the hopes if they can be what those around them want, there won’t be any further trauma.”
I sit up as I process not only Daddy’s fears, but Charlie calling me a people pleaser. Frustration grows inside me. “I’m not a fawn.” I shake my head.
“What would you do if Daddy did something to hurt you?” Charlie asks.
Standing, I cross the room to pace in front of the windows. A fire engine screams down the street, tearing me from my turmoil. Turning back to them, I shake my head. “I would question him the same way I did when I smelled the perfume.” Daddy goes tense, his jaw tight. “You think I’m some fucking weak-willed dickmatized woman who will take whatever you choose to dole out. How is your shoulder feeling?”
She looks between us.
“He didn’t tell you? I shot him. While my body was still shivering from an orgasm.”
Her eyes are big and she starts writing on her pad.
“I did it because I was afraid. If I had it to do again I wouldn’t change a thing. I set my boundaries and I stuck to them, and I will again. I want to please you because I feel safe with you. Because I want to make you as happy as you make me. I’m not an idiot, I am more than aware of how ruthless you are. I’m married to you, aren’t I, without ever saying yes or signing a marriage certificate. If you think I forgot any of it, you do think I’m stupid. I’m not. Nor do I think our life will be some perfect happily ever after. There are going to be times when we both make each other crazy. I don’t want to be here, but I am for the both of us.”
Chuckling, Daddy shakes his head.
“Why are you here, Phoenix?” Charlie asks me with her eyes on Daddy.
“I didn't… I didn't want to do therapy before because it all felt new still. And there was still so much shame over… things. Daddy has made it so I'm not so ashamed. But there are times, there are still times, when I am and sometimes I'm afraid…”
“She's afraid I will leave her. She's scared I'm putting too much responsibility on myself. I have tried to make her understand while I have never been in a relationship like this before, and it was not something I thought I would be in, I am the happiest I've ever been. I can't imagine life without her. I don't want to. Taking care of everything is not simply an honor. I love it. I am proud she trusts me enough to give me the title. And I never, never want to imagine her not calling me daddy.”
Daddy is talking to her but he’s looking at me. I’m across the room and back into his arms. He squeezes me so tight it hurts, I welcome the pain. Burying my face in his neck, I inhale deeply. I want to go home and make love to Daddy, I want him inside me.
