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The truth was that Adam hadn’t seemed all that interested in physical closeness the last couple weeks. I’d chalked it up to the fact we were both exhausted and trying to adjust to the demands of being a new couple, living together and being responsible for Daniela, but some irrational part of me, way deep down, worried it was more than that. I’d been waiting for Adam to reach for me, to show he needed me in some way, and he hadn’t.
We’d had very little time together before Daniela’s arrival–then poof, instant family. And while that had been the plan, the adjustment was certainly challenging in its own ways. So while I knew it wasn’t a rational fear, or I hoped it wasn’t, part of me questioned whether he was already tired of me.
It hadn’t been Jess’s words that had rocked me, or the look on Leia’s face, though both had certainly twisted the knife to the heart. It was a flash of memory buried deep long ago, lying half-naked on the floor of a sorority house, while a man sat on the edge of the bed, re-buttoning the shirt he’d torn off only moments earlier. “Such a disappointment, Fifth Row Girl. I thought you’d put up a better fight.”
The asshole hadn’t even bothered to learn my name, though he was the TA for the class and had full access to the attendance list.
I had never consented to dinner or coffee with him. In fact, I’d never even spoken to him. I’d just been aware of the fact he gave off a vibe I didn’t like. I knew who he was and that he came from money and power. His father had been the state’s attorney general for a time and then governor for five or six years. It was no secret he was grooming Mario to step into his shoes.
Mario always had a girlfriend, though perhaps that was a generous assessment. He always had a girl on his arm and he switched them out like watches.
I’d gone to the party with a casual friend that night and she’d been the one to hand me a cup of something I later presumed was spiked, because I didn’t even see Mario at the party until he was right in front of me, my vision blurry, the wordNothe only word I could speak.
It became plain to me over time and uncomfortable reflection that Mario was a TA because it allowed him to keep tabs on all the incoming freshman girls. Though he was in his senior year, it was obvious he’d perfected his method and when I took my complaint straight to the university president, I discovered I wasn’t the first, or even the second girl to accuse him of something so ugly and perverse.
It wasn’t that he was unattractive, because in his own way he had the Italian thing going for him: dark hair, dark eyes, a distinguished nose…it was just that everything beyond skin-deep was ugly.
The Benedetti family sent a retinue of lawyers to deal with me and since I was too ashamed to tell anyone, I faced them alone.
The university’s counsel agreed with the Benedetti lawyers–lawyers, as in five of them–that I would be wise to take a hush money payment and never speak of it again. For good measure, they kicked in a few hundred thousand on top of the seven-figure settlement offered.
I found later that I was the one to be given the most generous settlement, which convinced me I had been a fool to let him get away with it. It was obvious to me in retrospect that there was something just beyond my grasp that I could have used to nail the son of a bitch, but whatever it was I never found it.
It could easily be said that the experience colored my future relationships, to the point that there were very few of them. It was difficult for me to trust people after that and the one semi-serious relationship I was in at twenty-five imploded when he found out I had a bloated bank account due to a scandalous past.
The money part didn’t bother him so much, but the fact I’d never told him was apparently a huge blow to his ego and when I wouldn’t tell himwhowas responsible, he lost his shit and things fell apart.
The truth was that Adam was the first really serious relationship I’d had in…well, ever. And honestly, I didn’t know how to handle it. I’d spent weeks walking on eggshells, afraid I’d screw something up and he’d leave. That thought was soul-crushing, because my whole life I’d been in love with him from a distance, convinced I could never have him. He’d been the template, the perfect model, and not just on the outside. He was beautiful and kind, patient and attentive. He was giving of himself, his time and resources, and I don’t even have to tell you he was giving in bed. The little time we’d had together, I’d learned how much Adam liked to give and all I wanted wasmore.
It seemed likely that in the very near future, all I’d be getting wasless, thanks to what had transpired in the city just the day before, and there was the fact I didn’t know how to handle it. But if it meant what I thought it did, I was about to lose everything I’d just found.
By now, Aaron, Big Mike and I were a pretty regular team, something Scott said was necessary for building relationships and trust with one another, and when I’d requested to be pulled off future rotations at the border, he’d pulled them as well. He fed me some line about it being better for Big Mike’s “head space,” and while I didn’t ask for details, I trusted he knew what he was talking about. After all, the two of them had seen some shit together, from what Aaron told me.
For his part, I don’t think Aaron was upset about spending more time at home with his wife and kids.
Instead, we’d been assigned diplomatic protection duty in the city, and we’d made several reconnaissance trips to become familiar with the area, with routines and patterns, and anything that would present potential complications once the United Nations was back in session and the clients we’d been hired to protect were in our care.
This job was not in collaboration with the FBI, and I breathed a sigh of relief to know that Gerald Hendrickson wouldn’t be breathing down my neck. He was the field office director in the city and he was incredibly good at his job, but Katsaros had mentioned more than once that the man was going through some “personal adjustments” and should be left unmolested if at all possible. All I knew was that he was a bonafide hardass and the people from his team I’d met at the border were not the sort of people you messed with.
Hendrickson’s reputation preceded him from his days in the military, and since I was Air Force and he was Army, that was saying something–not something particularly nice, either.
Personally, I thought it meant the guy was going through an ugly divorce and from the hushed conversation I’d overheard between Scott and Big Mike, it seemed pretty sure I’d guessed right. Both of them were worried about some kind of ongoing operation in Italy, hunting down members of an organized crime syndicate who refused to stay on the right side of the law. Occupational hazard, I supposed, though I’d heard the Jersey boss had even operatedwithinthe federal government for quite a time. It seemed to be a pretty well kept secret, but the Baldassarri family had seen their fair share of trouble and the transfer of power from one boss to the next had caused some major hiccups, the sort that had reverberated all the way to Italy and right down the boot and across the bridge, into Sicily.
I’d been the one to drive on the trip back upstate and I’d been so distracted, when we made our first stop for fuel and coffee, Big Mike offered to take over.
Running into Leia and Jess after the last twenty-four hours I’d had was like purposely submerging myself in hydrochloric acid: it made everything hurt in a way I was fairly sure would never heal.
Jess’s snide insinuation that Adam had returned to her and maybe still was, shouldn’t have hurt me. I should have seen it for what it was: grasping and pathetic, but there was just enough doubt niggling at the edge of my mind that I gave her the room to creep in.
Was I enough for Daniela? Was I giving her enough time and attention?
Was I enough for him? Now that he’d seen everything there was to see, did he have regrets? Was I about to be packed up and taken back to the courthouse, returned to sender?
I took a deep, shaky breath, aware I’d been stuck in my own thoughts in a supermarket parking lot for so long, it was growing late in the afternoon. Adam had a long shift today and was probably on his way home just now.
Finally starting up Huey, I swiped a hand over my eyes and made the drive home. For the first time in weeks, I wasn’t sure I was ready to go home. I knew I needed to come clean to Adam if I really wanted to give this thing a shot, because it was unfair to him. I was terrified of expressing my feelings to him and he needed to know what those were if we had a real shot at it.
It scared me to think he might not feel the same way, that he was playing the game for my sake. Our physical connection was incredible and I’d known lesser relationships could be sustained on that alone for some time, but I wanted more.
