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She’d always felt like an outsider among her own people.
The few interactions she’d had with the English energized her and made her long for a different life. A life far away from these Pennsylvania mountains.
Eli lived in Oregon, and she hoped beyond hope to see his face again.
Hanna straightened and stared at her sister-in-law’s back. “Good-bye, Sarah. I told the babies good-bye last night when I tucked them in.”
Sarah continued rolling out the dough with her back to Hanna. At least she had tried to leave on good terms, though there was really no such thing. Not in this family.
Joining the church was supposed to be a highly personal decision, one that others in her community were meant to respect. But her father didn’t see it that way. If she didn’t join the church, she would be considered dead to him. Even worse than dead. Erased from existence. He would act as though she’d been forever banished for committing some terrible sin, and Sarah would live the rest of her life never speaking Hanna’s name, as would the rest of the family.
The very thought of it broke her heart, and yet she still couldn’t stay.
Hanna wondered if any of her family members would whisper her name in secret while tucked under their covers at night like she did for her brother Eli.
The solitude she felt within her huge Amish community had always been her secret sorrow. She’d tried so hard to capture the sense of community her family and friends felt here, the genuine happiness she saw all around her, but it was no use.
After years of trying to force it, she’d finally realized it couldn’t be forced.
The screen door banged shut as she fled the house. The early August air was cool but promised a warm day. From the front porch, she scanned the farm through the dim morning light.
To her left over the tree-covered mountain, the horizon glowed pink with the imminence of sunrise. At this early hour, the best place to find her daat was in the barn.
Determined to face him bravely, she took a deep breath and set off.
Nerves turned her stomach sour, her heart accelerated, and her palms broke into a sweat.
Was this how Eli had felt before his departure? Brave yet terrified at the same time?
“Daat?” She crept through the open doors. The smell of hay and animals surrounded her. Two kittens scampered across the floor and into the shadows. “Daat?”
“I’m here, Hanna.” From behind an out-of-order milking machine, he popped up and wiped his brow on the back of his sleeve. He scratched at his thick, brown beard and raised an eyebrow. “What is it? Why are you wearing shoes?”
She glanced at her feet. During the summer, the only reason she, as well as Sarah and the children, had to wear shoes outside was to go to church or for a rare trip into town. In contrast, her daat and brothers worked around machinery and large animals, so they wore boots year-round.
She finally met her father’s gaze, his impatient scrutiny, and she suppressed a shudder.
“I’ve made a decision about joining the church,” she said.
The large vein on his temple pulsed. Anger, a warning, flared in his cold blue eyes. He swallowed hard and wiped at his brow again. “And?”
“I’ve decided not to. I’m here to say good-bye.”
“You’re a foolish girl!” he spat out, rounding the milking machine to approach her. Though he walked with a limp, she instinctively backed up, ready to make a fast escape should he become violent. “The Devil’s Playground looks good to you, does it?”
Hanna trembled and stepped back. “This life isn’t for me, and I wish you would respect that as you ought to. I feel I must point out that others who leave our community are still welcomed by their families for visits.” She gestured to the door behind her, looking at the rolling fields behind the house. “I don’t belong. Just like Eli didn’t belong. I can’t stay for one more day.”
“Do not speak his name! You’re forsaking your family and friends. Not to mention God and His plan for you. If you leave, you’ll have no one. Nothing.” He paused and softened his voice. “You’re part of this family. You can’t leave. We care about you.”
Her throat burned, but she’d resolved not to allow his words to sway her, no matter what he said. In her heart, she believed her daat cared more about his reputation in the community and how a second child leaving would affect his image. First Eli. Now her. He would probably say or do anything to make her stay.
A noise caught her attention, and she spotted a few of her younger cousins, who lived on a nearby farm and frequently visited to help in the mornings, peering at them from behind a ladder that led up to the loft. The sight of their little faces almost broke her resolve. Oh how she would miss them, and her arms ached to hug them one last time.
“Go tend to the goats!” her daat growled, his face reddening more by the second. Her cousins scrambled away, and Hanna hated that she wouldn’t be able to say good-bye to them all. Daat would prevent her from speaking to anyone else before she left—of that she had no doubt.
“I’m leaving now,” she said, angry with herself for trying to say her farewells. What had she expected? A hug and well wishes? An invitation to visit the farm whenever she liked? Not likely.
His bushy eyebrows pinched together and he limped forward. He held a wrench in his hand, and the livid expression he wore revealed his intentions. Her stomach flipped, and she turned and ran from the barn without a backward glance. She had no wish to see his anger or to feel it. Those days had come to an end.
