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What had he been thinking? That he could send Hanna away with his good image intact? Her heart would’ve been broken whether he’d confessed his misdeeds or not. At least now she had a reason to avoid him. A reason to leave.
Perhaps her heart would heal sooner now that the cold, hard truth was out. The deep pangs of regret he’d felt in the moments and weeks after pulling the trigger vibrated in his chest, sharp and painful as he once again considered his actions.
He shouldn’t have fired blindly into the darkness that night. He should’ve locked the bedroom door and called the cops. Maybe he should’ve fired a warning shot or called out one more time to Devon. The tragic incident had rocked his town and the surrounding communities. Ben wasn’t charged with murder, though most of his town had called for it. No one, not even Carmen, had been able to forgive him. He liked to think his parents would’ve, but they’d died a few years before the incident.
The rain picked up, and Ben braced a hand on the window, watching the water drops run down the pane erratically. He’d been halfway sane before Hanna had come along. She’d shaken him with her sweet spirit, and he still felt possessive of her, and fiercely protective of her too. He still felt like she belonged to him, even though the rational part of his brain told him the possibility of keeping her was officially out of reach.
Perhaps the possibility of keeping her had always been out of reach and he’d been living in a fantasy world the past few weeks.
“Fuck,” he muttered, backing away from the window.
He spun around and came face to face with Hanna. The office door was wide open, and she stood in the center of the room, watching him. He wondered how long she’d been standing there in silence.
His arms tingled with the need to wrap around her, to hold her tight and never let go. His gaze bored into her as he searched for any indication of her thoughts toward him. Her mesmerizing blues had a glassy look. Her lower lip quivered, and she bit it as if to quell her crying. Long, untamed blond locks streamed around her face, and she stood up straighter as they faced one another. The t-shirt and pajama pants she wore clung to her womanly form, hugging her body in all the right places. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, drawing attention to her full breasts and nipples that strained against her shirt.
“I don’t understand,” she said, reaching for his hand. Her gentle touch soothed his sorrow, if only a little.
“What don’t you understand?” He thought he’d spelled it out clearly on the porch. He’d killed a man. A boy. He’d been violent in the worst way in her people’s eyes.
“I don’t understand why your town pushed you away. You confessed. You said you were sorry. And it was an accident. You didn’t know it was a boy. You thought he was an intruder who meant to harm you.”
“My town pushed me away because of what I did. It makes no difference to them whether I’m sorry.”
Her brows knitted together, and she glanced at his chest. “I… I still don’t understand.”
Her reaction left Ben perplexed. “How would your people handle a murder?” he asked. “What if your father killed a neighbor, or one of your brothers? What would happen?”
She didn’t blink at his question. “A period of shunning might occur, depending on the sin, but no one is pushed away permanently. Any crime, any sin, is forgiven if the sinner confesses to the bishops and asks for forgiveness.”
“That’s crazy.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “Yes, I suppose it is.” She reached for his face and caressed his cheek. “Eli told me our people sometimes cover up crimes in order to keep the English out of our affairs. He says he believes we are just as violent and sinful as the English though, and that’s why he wasn’t afraid to leave. He always told me not to fear the outside world. He said he would rather live in a world with few secrets than a world steeped in them.”
Ben sighed. “He was pretty smart for a sixteen-year-old kid.”
She smiled at him through her tears. Acceptance shone in her eyes, and her voice shook with emotion when she finally spoke. “I think it’s time you bought a phone.” She rose up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “Daddy.”
A burning lump lodged in his throat, and he found himself blinking back tears of his own.
Daddy.
With a single word she’d given him more love and understanding than he’d felt in his whole life.
CHAPTER15
Darkness surrounded Hanna,and the stars sparkled in all their heavenly brilliance above. She took a sip of steaming tea and leaned back in the glider, rocking it slowly with one toe pressed to the porch. The hot liquid rolled down her throat, spreading out from her center and warming her insides.
After the emotionally draining day she’d had, she needed this bit of respite. She also needed some thinking time before she called Eli. She planned to call him tomorrow afternoon using one of Daddy’s burner phones and hoped her brother hadn’t already left for Pennsylvania.
What would she tell Eli? And Daddy?
She had a decision to make.
One would take her far across the country to an unfamiliar place, but she would be with her brother.
The other would keep her close to Daddy, though only miles away from the childhood home she wished to forget.
Of course, she didn’t want to forgetall of it. She missed the children, her nieces and nephews, and little cousins. She even missed stubborn Sarah, as well as Abram and Jacob. She didn’t miss her daat though. Or the suffocating house and the pressure to join the church.
