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“Your dad said you were pulling doubles. He was under the impression that you wouldn’t have any time off coming up.” She hugged me. “I’ve just got to give Ollie her teddy. Can you give this to your dad?” She handed me a sheet of pills before going upstairs.
I paused at the study’s door, then knocked before opening it.
Dad didn’t look up. His eyes were locked on something on the double desk. I remembered spending hours studying with him in this room.
“Dad?” My voice broke as I spoke, and he looked from the laptop to me. I could tell from one look at him that he had a headache, maybe a migraine coming on. I swallowed sharply and knew if I didn’t speak quickly, he would dismiss me.
I closed the door behind me.
“When I was in the fourth grade, I told everyone that my dad was my superhero.” I blinked back tears. “And in my mind, you were. It was a boy, Brett, I think.” I tried to recall the boy’s name. “And he told me that my dad was a criminal, and you’d go where all criminals go.” I failed to hold back the tears, and they dropped. “I punched the boy in the face. You’d remember because I broke my finger, and you were really mad because I got sent home, and you told me there was no excuse for violence.”
I leant back against the study door.
“So I had to write the boy an apology letter, and you made me hand-deliver it.” My eyes went to the photos on the walls, all of his family. “What you don’t know is I wrote at the bottom of that letter, in our childhood code, that he sucked, Kincaids ruled, and I wasn’t really sorry.” I shook my head at my own past behaviour, and I looked back at him. “Anyway, I handed that letter to him and walked back to you because you waited out the front of his house in Mum’s car for me.” I breathed sharply. “And I got in the car, said I had done it, and you turned to me to say, ‘I’m so proud of you, Holly. You’re a good person.’” My voice broke, and the tears just dropped so bloody quickly. “At that moment, I knew I had let you down. I knew I had failed you, and I wasn’t the girl you thought I was, and I certainly wasn’t a good person.”
I let out a sigh, wiping the tears away, and then looked back at him.
“That was the first time I had lied to you.” I clenched my hands tight. Okay, this next bit was going to be harder. “The very next day after that, we went to the hospital to get my finger strapped. And I asked you why did that lady help me. You said to me, ‘That’s what doctors do. They are good people and help other people get out of pain.’”
I still couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to tell Dad this.
“I got home that same day, and I knew I wanted to be a doctor because I wanted to be a good person. But mostly because I wanted you to be proud of me.” I blinked back tears. “I wanted to be the girl that you thought I was.” I let out a long breath. “This afternoon when I said I was ashamed of—”
“Holly,” Dad said, and I shook my head, keeping him from stopping me.
He deserved a lot more than an apology.
“Let me finish,” I quickly spoke. “I said I was ashamed of you.” I felt my stomach tighten. “I had no right to say that. I had no right to abuse you like that. You’ve only ever done good for me. And I wouldn’t be who I am now if not for the man you are and who you shaped me to be.” I hiccupped tears. “You are an amazing father to us kids, a husband that only has eyes for his wife, and an incredible president.” The tears just overpowered me. “And I’m so sorry that I made you second-guess any of that—” I had to pause due to crying before I inhaled sharply, just as he pulled me into his chest. I didn’t even hear him get up. “I let you down,” I said in his arms, and I felt like a complete failure. “I’m a brat.”
“Took you ten years to be one,” he said, his voice calming and controlled as he hugged me. I felt tiny in his arms. “Geez, Kobra and Ivy put me through the paces when they were fourteen.”
I pulled back, staring up at him. “I think I outdid them both.” I felt nothing but mind-crippling guilt. “I hurt you.”
His gave a soft smile, and he wiped away the tears from my cheeks. “Sometimes we all say things we don’t mean, Holly. Or things we regret.” He dipped his head when he saw the shame in my eyes. “Though I am thankful for something,”
I frowned.
“I didn’t know your eight-year-old mind was listening to all the shit that came out of my mouth. Fuck. I’m thankful I said a doctor was a good person and didn’t say that the meth addict we sat next to was.”
I broke out laughing.
“Sure they might be a good person,” he quickly recovered, “but not the lifestyle I wanted for my daughter.”
“Speaking of drugs.” I unfolded the crumpled foil packet in my hand. “Mum told me to give you these. Guess I caused a headache?”
He took the packet from me. “Wondering why she hadn’t come back with them.”
“Are you okay, Dad?” I asked as he walked back towards his desk, grabbed his whiskey, and threw back the pills. I gave him a pointed look at that. He should know better.
“I thought I lost you today, Holly.” His eyes lifted from the whiskey glass to me. “To say I was freaking out about telling yer mother was an understatement.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He waved it off. “I honestly thought that she’d freak the fuck out, worse than when I lost Kobra at that bloody amusement park.”
I held back a giggle.
“Nothing tested yer mother’s love to me more than when I told her I lost her firstborn.”
