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I could do this. Sleep with both men. Let them give me the most intense pleasure and engaging friendship I ever had without getting attached. We were essentially using each other in a way. They were using me as a stopgap between their grief of losing Jessa and moving on, and I was using them to fill the vacant black hole that had grown wider and wider in my heart with every year I was married to Barrett.
Fine.
This was fine.
Though I knew that was complete bullshit. I was already attached. They were already so deep under my skin and working their way into my heart that it was too late to ward myself against them. Maybe that was okay. Maybe, like what Trap said about me destroying them, I needed it from them the same way.
If they devastated me to my very core, then I could begin to heal.
But something told me there would be no coming back from these two.
If they destroyed me, there would be no putting the pieces of my tattered heart back together.
It was all worth the risk of never truly living again.
Because at least I had them for a little while, knew what it was like to be loved from the inside out.
* * *
My eyes poppedopen at a sound. Holding my breath, I stared at the ceiling, the same one I’d stared at for the last hour, wishing my mind would shut off and I could finally fall asleep, waiting to hear the unfamiliar noise again.
My lungs burned as I held a breath, not wanting to miss anything.
I shot up in bed, that breath expelled on a gasp at the distinct creak of wood, moving closer as if someone were climbing the stairs.
Pulse racing, I glanced frantically around the bedroom, desperate for anything to use as a weapon. Of course, my knife was downstairs in my purse.Stupid, Georgia.The edge of the comforter molded around my tight fists, sticking to my clammy palms as I pulled it up to my chin as a useless shield and stared at the bedroom doorknob.
Light from the moon filtered through the thin metal blinds, just enough to highlight the slight shift of the doorknob as it turned. Nausea rolled in my gut, and dread pressed on my chest, making it almost impossible to breathe. With a creak of the door’s hinges, a slight gap appeared between the door and frame. Inch by inch, it eased open until a bulky frame slipped through the gap and closed the door behind them.
I stilled as familiarity hit me like a smack to the chest, knocking all the air from my burning lungs.
“Shade?” I whispered. Hoping. Pleading. Begging that my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me.
“Hey, baby.” His tone was deep, more gravelly than normal.
I braced my weight on one hand pressed to the mattress. “What are you—” My mouth snapped shut when he tugged off his black sweatshirt, the moonlight enough to see his smooth tan chest and back. I swallowed hard when his sweats whispered down his legs, pooling around his feet.
I licked my lips and glanced at the clock.
Two in the morning.
Without another word, Shade crawled across the bed, his massive frame moving like a smooth predator with grace I could never achieve. Cold air burst beneath the covers, all the heat evaporating when he lifted them and slipped beneath.
Eyes wide, all I could do was watch him snuggle down onto the pillow next to mine.
“Shade?” I whispered, reaching over to brush my fingertips along his forehead.
Instead of responding, he looped a heavy arm around my waist and tugged me down to the mattress, sealing my back against his warm bare chest.
I sighed as my muscles relaxed beneath his hold and radiating heat. A warm palm dipped beneath my long sleep shirt, making a breath catch in my throat as it slipped higher over my hip, settling just below my belly button with the tips of his fingers beneath the elastic band of my boy shorts.
Completely still, I waited for him to move lower, for his fingers to discover how excited I was to have him beside me, even though I had no idea why he broke into my house and crawled into bed with me.
Details.
Details I didn’t give a fuck about when he snuggled tighter against my back and pressed a soft kiss to the back of my neck.
“Go to sleep, baby.”
