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“I don’t want a goldfish. I want a black one, like Batman!” the other exclaims. “Goldfish are for girls.”
They are still fighting over the fish when we leave the store, and as we walk toward the car, I look down at Lena, who had suddenly gone unusually quiet. I expected her to be excited, but she doesn’t say a word while Mikhail places the cage with the bird in the backseat, and straps Lena into her car seat. It’s strange, she usually babbles nonstop.
When we’re all inside and Mikhail reaches to start the car, Lena finally speaks. “Daddy? Where is my mommy?”
Mikhail’s hand stills with the keys midway to the ignition. He takes a deep breath, then turns and takes her small hand in his. “Your mommy is with the angels now,zayka.”
“Why?”
“She ... she was sick, Lenochka.”
“Like Charley’s daddy?”
“Yes,zayka. Like Charley’s daddy.”
I reach over and place my hand on Mikhail’s thigh. This is hard for him. I see it in the way he is squeezing the wheel with his other hand, his knuckles white from the strain.
Lena cocks her head to the side, looks at me for a moment, and turns to Mikhail. “Charley has a new daddy now. Is Bianca my new mommy?”
My breath catches, and at the same time, I feel Mikhail’s body going stone still under my hand. We never talked about what Lena will be calling me. I assumed it would be Bianca but haven’t counted on the fact that she is too young to understand. Based on the slightly panicked expression on Mikhail’s face, he wasn’t expecting this either. We should have, though.
“You remember when we talked about this? That Daddy and Bianca were getting married, and we would all be living together?”
“Yes, Daddy. Charley’s new daddy is also living with them.”
We should have assumed that “Daddy’s wife” might equal “Mommy” for her. I’ve always wanted children, but it seemed like something that wouldn’t come so soon. I don't think I would mind if Lena starts to call me Mom. I consider for a moment. No, I wouldn’t mind it at all. In fact, I like that idea. If Mikhail is okay with it, of course.
“Well, Lenochka, it’s...” Mikhail starts, but I squeeze his thigh and he turns to me.
“You can say yes. If it’s alright with you.”
He doesn’t say anything, just stares at me. Maybe he doesn’t like the idea of Lena considering me her new mom. That realization hurts, but I make sure it doesn’t show on my face.
“You don’t have to. I just...”I sigh. “It’s okay. We can try explaining it to her.”
Mikhail reaches out with his hand, cups my cheek, and leans forward. “Lena never talked about her mother, and I…”—he closes his eye and curses—“I fucked up. I thought she understood. She is too young. I should have tried to explain things better. You and I should have talked first. I can’t ask this of you, Bianca.”
“You are a good father, and you didn’t fuck up anything.”I sign and brush his hand.“And I am okay with Lena thinking about me as her new mom.”
“You are twenty-one, baby.” Mikhail furrows his brows.
“My mother had Angelo when she was nineteen. It’s okay.”
“Are you sure?”
I lean in and place my lips over his. “Yes,” I whisper into his mouth and kiss him.
Chapter 14
I’m leaning on the counter in the kitchen and scrolling through my phone for updates on work when Bianca walks in. I look up and my breathing stops for a moment. Wearing a long black dress that wraps around her upper body and then falls to the ground in numerous layers of silky fabric, and with her hair in a thick braid, she looks like she stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine. She sees me looking, smiles, and turns around twice, making the silky fabric float around her, revealing her black stilettos and slender legs through a deep slit on the side. I can’t take my eyes off her.
“What do you think?”she signs.
I’m not capable of rational thought, and the only thing currently on my mind is her, naked, in my bed.
“Ty zazhgla ogon' v moyey dushe, solnyshko.”
She smirks, approaches me, and starts tracing the shape of a question mark on my chest with her finger.
