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“You already know what happened with my brother. I stuck it out at home until graduation, then I… I decided the marines were my best way out.”
I got the feeling he was skipping over something, but as much as I wanted to ask. He’d tell me when he was ready. “So you’ve always either been hiding or doing what you are ordered to do by someone else. You’ve never just done what you wanted to do.”
“All I thought about for my last years of high school was how much I needed to get out. If I’d had a way to support myself, I would have left earlier. I knew my brother might come back or my mother might figure out what I’d done. Once I was in the marines, I disappeared. I didn’t tell anyone where I was, and I never contacted my family or went back. The easiest thing to do when you’re scared is to leave.”
I took his hand. “You weren’t wrong to leave home like that. You didn’t owe anyone an explanation. The people who should have taken care of you treated you like shit. They didn’t deserve to know you. I wouldn’t have bothered telling my dad I was leaving for the rodeo if he’d been alive then. Rhys and Grant got to know where I was because they cared.”
Ghost sighed. “It probably was right to walk away then, but I’ve walked away from friendships when they got hard. I’ve walked away from every man I’ve hooked up with because I didn’t want to have to deal with an awkward situation, or worse, get into a relationship where a man might make me open up.”
Like I’d done. “So why did you stay with me as long as you did?”
“Because you made me feel things—you still make me feel things—I’ve never felt before. I thought I could handle that. I told myself this time I was going to stay. I was going to do everything I could to make this work. I started to think I might deserve some happiness.”
“And then I jumped in front of a bullet.”
“You did. And it scared the hell out of me. I couldn’t stand the idea of putting you in more situations like that.”
“You could’ve stuck around and talked to me about it.”
“I could have, but I did what I’ve always done.”
“When you walked away from the marines, did you really have a choice?”
He paused for a moment. His thoughts seemed far away like he’d traveled back to that day. Finally, he said, “No, or at least that’s what the agent who pulled me in told me.”
37
GHOST
I wanted to tell him the real story—the reason I’d ended up in the marines and why the FBI had leverage over me. I didn’t care whether the players involved wanted me to talk about it. They could all go fuck themselves, but I didn’t want to horrify Rogue anymore than I already had.
For most of the time I’d been talking, I’d looked down or away, not sure I wanted to see Rogue’s reaction. I didn’t want pity from him. I didn’t need it. This shit was all in the past, and I had survived. By society’s standards, I was a success. I was damn good at what I did, but now maybe it was time for me to think about what I wanted to do.
Was that even possible? It seemed like too much to hope for.
When I found the courage to meet Rogue’s eyes, there was no pity there. Through everything I’d said, he’d never seemed disgusted. He’d never seemed anything but empathetic, concerned, loving. I’d wanted him to know I could open up to him. I’d also wanted to prove it to myself. “I guess you see why I’m so fucked up.”
“You and me both, but look at us. You have a successful career.”
“That I’m leaving.”
“So you can do something new. I had a rodeo career, and now I’m working on a ranch, which is what I’d always dreamed of doing. We’re doing all right.”
“We are. Who would have thought?”
“Apparently no one back when we reached eighteen.”
I laughed. “That’s for damn sure. My mom said I wouldn’t make it through boot camp.”
“But you made it into special forces, then got special dispensation for a direct from military to FBI position.”
“I got told I was taking the position. It wasn’t an offer.”
“What would have happened if you had said no?”
“Most likely they would have come up with some kind of shit charge against me that they would make go away if I did what they wanted, or they would have done some back-channel shit that would’ve gotten me right where they wanted me no matter what I chose.”
“So it really is like that?”
“Did you think it wasn’t?”
“No, I figured all those agencies are just as corrupt as the criminals I know.”
