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“Ann…” He shakes his head and whispers again, “Ann.”
“Don’t say it.” I lost him once. He has to know I can't lose him again.
His expression becomes unreadable. “Ann, could you walk away from them, from your... shadow beasts for me?”
How can I answer that two seconds after he’s told me he doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to be with me?“Rayne, you’re here.” It’s that simple and I don’t want to think past this moment. But it doesn’t answer his question. “I don’t know.” What I have with Rayne is one side of a coin, but Onyx and Phantom and Dusk are on the other and I don’t want to think about losing any of them. There’s been too much loss already.
He swears softly. "You really care about them, don't you?"
I don't answer him, but he reads the answer on my face.
"Maybe you'd even love them... maybe even feel the mate bond with them, if I was really gone?"
I feel tears burn my eyes. "It doesn't matter because you're here."
"It does, because if I can't be around forever, and they're your mates too..." He seems to be struggling to form the words. "Then you can't leave them behind. You have to make sure they win this battle, so you'll be safe. So you'll have a future with them."
My head is spinning. "What are you trying to say?"
He growls low in his throat, and I hear his teeth clench together. “You should make room in your heart to claim them as your mates”
My eyes widen because those words are the last ones I expected to hear from him. I don’t know if it’s a test or not, but it sure as hell isn’t permission. They’re only words. They have to be. This isn’t the Rayne I know. “What?”
“You’ll regret it if you don’t. I know it. You know it. If you don’t… the consequences…” This can’t be him either. Or he’s not just changed bodies.
Either way, it sounds like he’s trying to let me go. Again.
“It’s a prophecy. Do you know how many of those don’t come true?” My words sound far away, even to my own ears. And not at all logical. I feel like I need to pick a team, pick a path, and stick with it, but I can't seem to. I don't know why.
“And I know how many do.” He doesn’t, but he speaks with an undeniable force. “Are you willing to risk losing them because you’re afraid?”
What the fuck?“Afraid? Holy fuck, Rayne. Are you saying goodbye to me? Giving me your permission so I don’t get lost in my grief again?” It’s like he’s already out the door. “Fuck you, Rayne.”
He curls his fingers into my shoulders. “Listen to me, Ann. I’ve only ever done what’s best for you. Ever.”
I scoff because he honestly believes his own bullshit. It’s in his eyes. His tone. “You go ahead and lie to yourself all you want, but don’t you dare sit here and spew that idiocy at me.” I know too much and the pain of his lie rockets through me. Spurs me on. “You left me alone because you had some ridiculous quest for the truth for your sister and the dark fae. You left me alone. How was that what's best for me?”
The heat in my body radiates from a place deep in my chest. It burns along every one of my cells.
He stares at me, the kind of gaze that’s meant to wither my resolve. It’s a Rayne tactic and I’m immune.
“Do you care how fucking hard that was for me?” The tears come from the same place as the heat.
“It was necessary.”
“It wasn’t. It was ego. Your over-inflated ego.” That isn’t true. Probably isn’t even fair. But he left me and he’s laying the groundwork to do it again. I’m trying so hard to make it not matter, but it does in my heart where it’s always mattered, wherehematters.
"Ann." His voice is gentle, almost gentler than I've ever heard it. "You grew up with a stepfather who beat you. Who hurt you. Who made you feel ugly and unloved." My heart stops. My fingers are trembling when they come to my lips, but he just keeps talking. "I think if I hadn't been your fated mate, you never would have been able to let your guard down with me. You were... scared of men. Of all men. I'd see you flinch when one would try to touch you. I'd see you... Ann, is it possible some of that fear is triggering you now? Making you wonder if these men will hurt you like he did, intentionally or unintentionally?"
My tears become sobs and he pulls me to his chest, crushes me against him, and it’s like coming home. "M-maybe."
And that's all I can say, because I don't know. My stepfather is someone I try never to think about. I've placed that man in a dark place in my soul and walled him off from the rest of me. No matter how many times he hit me, no matter how many times he broke a bone or made me bleed, I told myself that he wasn't hurting me, he was just hurting my body. When he called me ugly and told me no one would ever love me, I told myself that everything he said was true, and because it was true, it couldn't hurt me. He was just stating facts. So the idea that any of that pain, any of those words could hurt me now is something I can't accept. Can't think about.
Because that man is behind a wall. If what he did to me is making me push the shadow beasts away, then my stepfather is still hurting me. Still has control over me. And I won't let that be real.
Even if some voice in the back of my head whispers that it could be.
"Don't let him take anything more from you," Rayne whispers, brushing away my tears.
