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A good fuck seems to be first on the list though. And I can’t argue with that.
“I don’t get nervous.”
“Everyone gets nervous.” The words slip out of my mouth and I tell him about a study my friend Rae told me about. She’s a psychology major and she told me about public speakers and how even professional public speakers’ adrenaline levels spike when they get on the stage. Everyone gets nervous. “There’s no denying it.”
“If you say so, Addison.” That’s all I get from him as the night air seems to get colder and I shiver. That’s when I notice he’s still holding my hand.
“This doesn’t make you nervous? It doesn’t make you question if … if we should be doing this?” I lift up our clasped hands and he lets me, but he doesn’t stop walking.
“Why shouldn’t we?” he responds, but I hear the hard edge in his voice.He knows.
“There are so many reasons,” I tell him and look straight ahead.
“Can I tell you a secret?” he whispers and the way he does it makes me giggle. A silly little girl giggle that would embarrass me if I wasn’t on the left side of tipsy.
“Anything,” I breathe.
“I was jealous that Tyler got to have you.”
I nearly stumble and my smile slips. That erratic beating in my chest makes me want to reach up and pound on my heart to knock it off.
He continues once I get my footing back. “You were too young and Tyler got to you first.”
I walk with my lips parted, but not knowing what to say or do.
Daniel’s arm moves to my waist as his steps slow and I look up to see a row of houses. Cute little houses a few blocks from the university campus. They’re the type of houses that come equipped with white picket fences and for the second time in fifteen minutes, I nearly trip.
“How drunk are you?” Daniel questions with a serious tone.
“Sorry, not that drunk,” I answer him as we walk up the paved drive to the front door of a cute house with blue shutters. My heart won’t knock it off, but I ignore it and change the subject. “This is your place?”
“Just renting.”
I nod my head and as much as that makes sense, it’s also one less thing to question. And now I find myself on the front steps of Daniel’s place, with his hand on mine. Drunk after I’ve confessed to him how I feel.
Not the smartest thing I’ve ever done, and not the best decision I’ve made in my life.
But maybe I’ll wake up in five minutes, and this will just be another one of my dreams.
My breathing comes in pants as Daniel lets his hand travel lower down my back and I instantly heat everywhere for him. My heart pounds and my blood pressure rises. I’m almost afraid of how my body is reacting so intensely. He has to see it, but if he does, he doesn’t let on.
I don’t need Rae or a shrink or anyone to tell me I’m going to regret this. I know that already.
Maybe I can blame it on the alcohol.
Or the sudden flood of memories.
Sleep deprivation, that’s a good excuse too.
I don’t care what I blame it on. So long as it happens. I wanted him for so long, even if it was from a distance. An unrequited and forbidden lust, not love. I refuse to believe it was love.
I lost the chance long ago to have what I always wanted. There’s no way I won’t push for it now.
I watch as Daniel reaches for the doorknob but stops, dropping his hand and directing his gaze to me.
“What are you thinking?” Daniel asks me and instinctively I look up at him, swallowing hard and licking my lips. I love how his eyes flicker to them and I hesitantly reach up, spearing my fingers through his hair.
And he lets me.
