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I need to end this before I get hurt … well, before it gets worse than it already is.
CHAPTER16
Daniel
I’m losing it.
I can feel myself slipping backward into a dark abyss.
Addison and I are alike in more ways than she knows. In ways I’d never dare to whisper out loud. She’s lying to herself when she says she needs space.
She doesn’t.
She needs me, just like I need her. She’s the only thing that takes the pain away and I do that for her too. I know I do. I can feel it. I can see it in her.
The light from the computer screen is the only thing that saves the living room from being in complete darkness. I’ve been staring at it, waiting for him to see I’ve been logged in for hours.
I’m trying to stay away from Addison. I’m trying to do what’s best.
It’s been a long time, Marcus finally responds. It’s not his name or his alias in this chat. But I know it’s him.
Three years now, I answer, leaning back into my seat with my laptop on my thighs and trying to ignore the shame that rings in my blood. It’s been three years since I’ve logged into this black market chat and sought him out. Three years since I’ve felt the urge to watch over Addison every second of every day. Three years since I’ve had a hit of my sweet addiction.
What brings you back?he asks me and I swallow thickly.
She came back into my life. But you already know that.
She, as in Addison?he asks me to keep up this charade.
The keys beneath my fingertips click faintly as I type. It’s odd how I find it comforting, the soft sounds tempting me to confess my sins.
I wasn’t stalking her or trying to find her. The first time was a coincidence.
How many times have there been?he asks me.
A lot, I admit but then add,but she’s been with me this time. It’s not me hiding in the shadows. She sought me out.
Do you think that makes it healthier? The text stares back at me on the brightly lit screen and I want to answer yes. Of course it is. This time isn’t anything like what happened years ago. He doesn’t wait for me to answer before he poses another question.
If she knows, does that make it okay to allow your interest to grow to obsession?
Obsession may be the wrong word. I think possessive is better. She’s mine. My reason to move on from what happened before. My desire for more. My only way to cope.
It’s different this time. This time she wanted me there.
Wanted? he presses, and the shame of why I’m even here in this anonymous chat makes my chest feel tight.As in past tense?
She asked me for time apart and I’m having difficulties. I’m slipping back into old habits.
It’s called stalking, Daniel.
I’m aware of that, Marcus.
I use his name, just like he uses mine. No one else knows it’s him, but I do. Because years ago, when I watched Addison finally sleep without crying, when she could say Tyler’s name with a sad smile instead of barely restrained agony, he was there for me. All those years ago when she moved on and I was still struggling to cope with the guilt of Tyler’s death, Marcus is the one who stopped me from pulling the trigger with a gun pressed to my head.
It took nearly two years before it came to that point. A year and a half of following her, of watching her and living out my pain vicariously through hers. And months of slowly losing myself and any reason not to end it.
She kept me sane in a way she’ll never know as I watched her grieve with the same pain I had.
