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Allie stretches in her seat, slowly waking up from the nap she took for the last thirty minutes of the drive.
She’s so damn beautiful when she sleeps.
I wish she’d stayed asleep, so I could keep driving.
“We’re here?” she asks sleepily and tries to hide her yawn. I watch her look up at the house we’re parked in front of. The seat protests as she leans forward and takes in the porch, a red and blue wreath adorning the front door and two matching pots with baby’s breath on either side of it. “It’s cute,” she says sweetly.
I gesture across the street to my mother’s place with my hand as it rests on the steering wheel and then turn off the ignition. “That one.”
She’s quick to turn her head and say it’s cute too. And maybe it’s all right on the outside. No homey details and it looks just like it did six years ago when my mother bought it with that asshole. Only more weathered … just like my mother.
“You can stay here if you want,” I say. My anxiety is getting the best of me. I told Dr. Robinson I’d do it, so I will. I’m not a little bitch. But no one likes being pushed aside and dismissed. Especially by their own mother. And definitely not in front of the woman they’re seeing.
“I’ll come,” she says as she unbuckles her seat belt. As she reaches for her purse on the floorboard, my mother’s gaze finally finds its way over here.
A puff of smoke slowly billows from her mouth. Other than that, there’s no reaction. I know she recognizes me though, because she doesn’t look away. My chest tightens, making each breath more difficult. I focus on forcing air in and out. Just in and out.
The neighborhood is quiet when I step out, listening to the sound of Allie’s door and then mine clunk close before I turn to look back at my mother. She’s still seated, blowing out another puff before stubbing out her cigarette on the concrete step.
Allie waits for me before making her way across the street.
This was fucking stupid.It’s all I can think as I make my way back to a house I hate, back to a woman I loathe. The anger is subdued, though. It’s so messed up that even after all these years, I want something to change between the two of us.
That’s the first mistake. Having hope.
“Dean?” my mother says and slowly stands up on the stoop. Her sweatpants hang loose on her body, as does the shirt she’s wearing. I keep my shoulders square and look my mother in the eye.
“What are you here for?” she asks, setting her hands on her hips and narrowing her gaze.
I was right in my assumption from the car, she’s lost weight. Could be the cigarettes or it could be the stress of losing Rick. Maybe she’s been like this for years. I don’t know.
“I heard about Rick,” I tell her and as I do, I feel Allie’s small hand brush against mine, so I take it. It’s funny how that little touch makes my heart hammer harder but in a way, it’s calming.
My mother breaks eye contact and looks past me as I tell her I’m sorry for her loss.
“I’m sorry too,” Allie says politely but in a voice that’s genuine and full of pain.
“Yeah … well, thanks,” my mother says coldly, dismissively.
“Mom,” I say, and it feels odd calling her that, so I have to pause before continuing, “this is Allison. Allison, this is my mother.”
I introduce them and Allie steps forward with her hand out to give my mother a handshake, even though she’s still standing two steps higher than us.
True to form, my mom’s a fucking bitch, leaving Allie hanging there with an empty hand held high. She looks at Allie good and hard before nodding her head and saying, “Hi.”
The air turns frigid around me when I see Allie’s face fall. Allie’s innocent in all this. I shouldn’t have brought her here.
Taking a large step forward, I shield Allie from my mother. “Just wanted to tell you that I’m doing fine, if you were wondering.” My words come out hard and bitter. I don’t know what the good doctor was thinking or what I was thinking when I decided to take his advice.
But there, I’ve told her, so we can get the fuck out of here.
“Fine? Is that what you call getting arrested?” My anger falters, even if just for a moment while my mother’s face forms a twisted sneer. “I always knew you were no good.”
I bite my tongue and hold back the explanation. She doesn’t deserve one.
Just as I’m about to tell her goodbye forever, Allie steps around me, brushing against my leg as she shoves herself in front of me.
She’s short, shorter than both me and my mom and she has to crane her neck to look in my mother’s hard eyes as she tells her, “He was trying to do the right thing.”
