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Hanging up the phone, I still don’t feel right. I never thought bringing Allie out here would wind up like this. With me feeling A-fucking-okay and her looking like she’s been beaten up.
“Thanks for coming with me,” I tell her as she picks at something on the pajama pants she slipped on while I was ordering food. She lies on the bed, stretching out and tells me it’s been a blast, again making the tense air lighter. She’s good at that. Good at playing things off like they don’t matter. Even now while she’s breaking down right in front of me.
“Can I ask you something, Allie?” I say and then turn around to see her texting something. She doesn’t stop until she hits send and then looks up at me.
“Whatever you want.” Before I can say another word, the screen of her phone lights up and pings. She tries to ignore it but on the second ping, she has to look down to silence her phone.
“I can wait,” I say but she only shakes her head in response, tossing her phone onto the nightstand with a heavy breath and tired eyes.
Something is killing her inside. And it fucking hurts that she’s hiding it from me still.
“What is it you wanted to ask?” she says with a soft and kind voice, one that begs for mercy. Our eyes lock and there’s a shift between us. One of vulnerability. One seeking refuge in me.
“I just don’t want you to ever lie to me.” I don’t know why that’s what comes out. But it’s all I’ve got for her. “You don’t have to tell me shit,” I begin but pause when her expression falls and she fails to hide the sadness there. “You don’t have to tell me shit, but don’t lie to me.”
She nods once and then agrees in a small voice, “That’s not really a question but … No lying. Can do.”
“You all right?”
“Yeah,” she says but doesn’t look me in the eyes as she pulls the covers back.
“And that’s the truth?” I ask her, reminding her of the assurance she just made.
“As all right as I can be,” she says and then slowly raises her eyes to mine. “Just a lot of things happened when I was younger, and something reminded me of a promise I made but almost broke.”
“What promise?”
“Can we just eat and go to sleep?” she asks in return and chances a quick glance at me, again picking at some nonexistent fuzz on her pants.
“It’s not that late,” I tell her out of impulse. It can’t be any later than nine.
“How about we just cuddle and watch something funny?” she asks, and her voice is stronger, more hopeful.
“A comedy? I’m always down for that.”
Crawling into bed beside her feels right. Like that’s what I’m supposed to do right now. Before I even have a chance to wrap my arm around her waist and pull her into me, she’s already nestling her ass into my crotch and getting comfortable.
She reaches behind her, looking back at me and takes the remote off the nightstand. Before getting back into position she gives me a quick peck and then picks up my hand in both of hers.
“Your hands are so small,” I say absently as she traces the lines on my hand with the tip of her finger. It’s soothing and gentle, but it stops when she kisses the tips of my fingers like I did with hers.
“I wish things were different,” she whispers. There’s a sincerity there, a fear too.
“Like what? My mom?”
She shakes her head and settles her back against me, letting my hand fall to her waist.
“Just circumstances,” she says without looking back.
With the remote in hand, she searches the channels while I watch her. The light from the television brightens her face.
I see every detail. There are moments in time that don’t seem like they mean anything at all when they happen. Moments that hold no significance at the time.
But later, those moments are burned into your memory.
The way the light hits her hair, the way she blinks away the tears that threaten to fall. The way she smiles up at me with the sound of some movie playing on the television in the background. Some moments are burned into your memory forever, and maybe it’s because deep inside we wish it could stay like this. With her nestled in my arms, knowing she’s safe and that nothing bad is going to happen tonight.
THERE ARE TIMES IN LIFE
