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I know what she’s thinking. What they’re all thinking, and it makes me want to throw up.
She asked for it.
They have no idea.
No one does.
Not even Dean, as he awaits his fate.
They can judge me because I deserve it.
If I could go back, I would.
I close my eyes and try to hold back the tears, the pain. Every moment that led us here is another flaw in my armor. Picking away at my defenses as the events flash before my eyes.
When I open them, through the veil of tears scattered on my lashes, I see Dean looking back at me.
I’m so fucking selfish, and that’s what pushed me over the edge.
I knew Dean would be trouble. A crimp in my plans perhaps, but I didn’t think I’d fall in love.
I justified using him. I craved his touch so much that I pulled him into my web.
“I’m sorry,” I mouth and Dean’s expression slips.
They’re right when they say I asked for it.
I didn’t just ask for it, though.
No, no.
I fucking prayed for it.
* * *
Two months earlier
Fourteen boxes.
Packing and unpacking fourteen boxes takes a toll on the body. My shoulders are sore; my core feels like it’s on fire.
But I’m here.
I actually went through with it and applied to this school, got in, rented a house and now I’m here.
I hear them first as I round the building that houses all the equipment for the fields. The bleachers come into sight first, followed by the men I came to see.
My hips sway a little more than before, my lips tilting up into a half smile even though my heart races. I’m so much different from the girl I was back then. Unrecognizable.
I glance at each one, taking them in as sweat glistens on their backs and chests. Most of the rugby players only have on a pair of gym shorts, ranging from blue to black to red. Their laughter drifts across the field as they huddle around the small area where all their gear is laid out.
Some of the guys play on the field of perfectly trimmed grass. Seven of them, to be exact. The field is nestled between two old brick buildings that can house hundreds of students, if not more.
Is this what college life feels like? The smell of a late summer breeze paired with jittery nerves clamber up my throat. Well, maybe the second part is just because it’s me and I’m here, scoping out the intramural rugby team for the university.
Most of these guys don’t take it seriously. Which is why there’s no one here, no scouts or fans. A couple students sit in the grass off to the right of the bleachers, but they aren’t paying attention. This rugby team isn’t for show. It’s just a reason to get out some aggression; judging by each of the guys’ history, there’s a lot of aggression here.
I knew they’d be here, practicing and putting all their goods on display.
