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“Do you think she’s pretty?”
Of course, I do. I think about her hair and how it’s so soft when it brushes my skin. How her blue eyes connect to mine, reach into my soul, and we recognize each other. When she walks into my arms for a hug, how I feel lighter, better. It’s more than her beauty for me. I would be lying if I said I never got aroused around her. Quite the opposite. Every time I see her, I’m fighting it.
Emily rests her hand on my shoulder. “Maybe see what happens? You could be happy. With her.”
“I don’t know if I ever have it in me again. To be in love again.”
“I think you do.” Her hair falls in her face, and I see the pity. This is rich, coming from a woman who got pregnant in college and dropped out. She has not been on one date since she’s had Olive. Or really talked about Olive’s dad.
“Don’t act like you didn’t do the exact same thing when Olive came along.” My words crack like a whip.
Emily’s face scrunches into anger. She steps within feet of me, and while she’s several inches shorter than me, she scares me.
“Istayed. I showed up for my responsibilities. People gossiped about me, but I still lived my life. I didn’t get theluxuryof running away. You forget I loved Amy too. She would be so hurt to see you living like this. She wouldn’t have wanted this for you. You claim you loved her, but you pretend like she didn’t exist.”
I want to scream. I want to throw things and shatter it against a wall. Instead, I cross my arms, breathing in and out.
“You should really talk about her. I think it should be Shiloh. She’s the best friend you’ve got, and she’s a better person than me because I would’ve stopped being your friend a long time ago if I weren’t related to you.”
Emily walks to my door and her hand rests on the doorknob as she turns around. “I still love you. I want what is best for you. You just make me so fucking frustrated sometimes.”
She rips the door open and leaves. Her face after I fired back imprints on my brain. Out of all my siblings, she’s the strongest. Emily is the type of person who you think is okay because she puts on such a convincingly stoic front.
Then one day she crumbles.
I’m not sure how long I stand in the middle of my studio, letting her face and words cycle. When I come back to myself, I’m seated at my couch, my fingers drumming the couch armrest.
This is the worst day of my year. I just made this the worst anniversary of them all.
24
Shiloh
“What are you doing tonight?” I ask my sister on speaker phone. I swipe the nail polish brush across my big toe, getting some skin. “Papa is already in his pajamas with his nightcap.”
“Papa is drinking?” Summer asks, alarmed. I caught her while she prepared to go out with her group of friends for New Year’s. Summer still drinks once in a while, only on special occasions. She told me she’s planning on one glass of champagne at midnight.
“No. Ben and Jerry’s.”
“Ooh, what flavor?”
“Cherry Garcia.”
“Nice choice, Papa. I need to get up there to visit.”
“We would love to have you. We’re currently watchingLostfrom the beginning. We watched four episodes tonight. It’s really addicting.” I yawn. “I think I’ll go to bed soon.”
“Raging New Year’s.”
“Absolutely. You know me.” My phone buzzes in my hand, and I pull it away from my ear, confused.
“Jackson is calling, I have to go.”
“Maybe he’s finally cashing in on that booty call.” I’ve told Summer about Jackson a little bit, how he punched Mark when he started it. “I like him already,” Summer had said. “I can’t tell you how many fantasies I’ve had of punching Mark.”
She also made fun of me constantly because my crush is obvious. I hope she can hear my rolling eyes.
“Have fun tonight. Love you. Make good choices.”
