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“Not at all,” she soothes. “I’d be happy to work with you both. In the context of marriage or relationship counseling, it's not uncommon for both partners in the relationship to see the same therapist on an individual basis. But ifyouwould feel more comfortable working with someone else, I have several other counselors I’d be happy to refer you to. While I have a sub-specialty in substance abuse and marriage counseling, as one often comes with the other, several of my colleagues have specialties in gender and LGBTQA+ issues. It might be that one of them would be better suited to help you work through your issues.”
“I—”
LGTBQA+ issues—because I’m a bisexual black man, in love with two people.
Even after all this time and all the effort it took to get us where we are today, simply thinking about those words makes my eyes twitch.
I wouldn’t change it for the world, but a lifetime of conditioning is hard to break.
Which is why I suppose I’m here. This issueisn’tthat it’s an issue, it’s that I make it one.
What would Justin say? He’d want me to do what was best for me. In truth, I don’t think he expected me to stay with Dr. Miller. I can see him encouraging me to find my own therapist and step away from leaning on him so much.
I can’t use JJ to ensure my happiness. I have to be happy on my own, and part of that is accepting who I am.
That thought terrifies me.
“I can assure you that if you choose to start a professional relationship with me, everything between you and me is strictly guarded. I couldn’t andwouldn’trepeat anything you tell me, nor would I be able to tell you what was said in confidence during one of Justin’s sessions. But I by no means want you to feel pressured in any way to—"
"No," I cut her off with a wave of my hands. Her shoulders lose some of their tension, and a placidity returns to her features.
It's like sandpaper coats the inside of my mouth.
"I like the idea that you already know the—" the words catch on my tongue. She does already know, doesn't she? She's probably heard all about The Rosemont and Madam Maxine’s. Justin has been here twice since the hospital, so she certainly knows about the baby.
Hell. She probably knew I was living with them, that I was—sheknewbefore I did. He told me that he realized he’d been in love with us both that very first night, which means she’s known since then too.
I lean forward on the edge of the couch with my weight on my elbows, fighting the need to get up and run.
"I'm in love with them, and in some weird sort of symbiotic way you were there for all of that. You know what I did to them and you know what they did to me. I think I'd prefer to work with you, if you'll have me."
She taps her pen on her tablet again and I keep my posture open as she examines me in a way that makes me want to turn my face and hide.
"If at any time you change your mind…"
I won't.
"You'll be the first person I tell."
"Good," she nods her head. "Something else to ruminate over then, while we're getting our feet wet, is just because I see you each separately, doesn't mean that I can’t meet with you both jointly as well. Or all three of you, or any combination thereof. It's not a singular situation you three have found yourselves in, but it’s certainly unique—and Justin has a tendency to—"
"—rush in guns blazing, damning the chaos he leaves in his wake," I supply helpfully.
Her eyes light up in laughter.
"Yes. Well. The offer stands should you decide. Both offers.”
“Thank you,” I assure her. “But I think it’ll be nice, not having to explain Justin to a brand new person. He means well, but he’s a handful, and—”
“Enough said,” she chuckles. “Well then. How can I help you, Remington?”
I settle deeper into the couch, willing myself to relax. A quick glance at my watch tells me we’ve already eaten most of our allotted time today. She must have allowed me to sit there and bounce in my seat longer than I realized.
“Remi, please,” I say automatically. She waits for me to pick a topic, her posture relaxed and placid.
“I don’t even know where to start,” I admit.
“I find it’s usually best to start with what brought you here in the first place.”
