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“How do I feel?! I’ll tell you how I feel John- like I’ve just been kidnapped by a psycho! What the hell are you playing at?!” I scream. He walks into the room and goes to sit on the bed beside me. I automatically jump up to get away from him. I put too much weight on my bad leg and fall on the floor. John picks me up sooner than I can protest and lays me on the bed.
“Hey Bella, calm down it’s me, your John. I’m not going to hurt you.” Is he for real? I let him lie me down. I shuffle up the bed with my elbows and look at him standing beside me. “I’ve brought you here so we can try again Bella. I know you still love me. I’ve been waiting for you to come to your senses and come home. But being in London, there were obviously too many distractions for you. I had to get you away from there.”
“John no, I don’t love you anymore, not like that anyway and even less now you’ve done this. God, John what have you done!” John gets his angry look in his eyes.
“You don’t mean that Bella you’re just confused. Once we spend some time alone, you’ll remember how good we are together.”
“No John let me go home. It’s not going to work. You can’t keep me here! And I need to get to the hospital. I think I have broken my ankle and maybe my leg- please John I’m begging let me go!” I lift up off the bed and hop on the floor. I push past him and go for the door but he grabs me by the arms, throws me round and pins me up against the wardrobe.
“You’re…not…going…anywhere Bella,” he says with his mouth next to my ear. His breath on me sends horrible quivers down my body and it smells putrid.
“You’re mine Bella. You are going nowhere. Nobody knows you’re here, I made sure of that. Mmmm you smell so good baby. I’ve waited so long to have you in my arms again.” He pushes himself against me and I can feel his erection in his pants. Oh God no. Sick rises from my stomach and I let out a sob. “Sshhhh don’t cry baby. I know you’re not ready for me yet but you will be soon.”
He licks my ear and down my neck. I’m in a nightmare- surely this isn’t real- this can’t be happening. Oh God Damien please come and find me. John steps back and looks me up and down. I’m still wearing my white dress from the show.
“I told you not to wear shit like this- you look like a slut!” He grabs the front of the dress at my chest and rips it from my body. It rips at the seams giving me painful burns on my sides. It falls to the floor. I’m left standing in my underwear. I cross my arms in front of me. I put my head down and close my eyes to hide my tears. Please don’t let him touch me. “Put something decent on. Your things are in the wardrobe.” He protests as he walks out of the room, locking the door behind him. I slump to the floor and break down.
I let my emotions take over for a few minutes, crying into my hands. I then get myself together and pull myself up on the wardrobe and open the doors. Inside are my old clothes. Clothes I left at the house in charity bags when I moved out. There are long frumpy dresses, polo neck jumpers and long skirts. Baggy jeans and loose t -shirts. God why did I used to wear this stuff? I know why- John. These are the clothes he wanted me to wear. I used to kid myself in thinking that I liked to dress this way but really, I was scared of dressing any other way. I find a brown velour tracksuit so I put that on with a T shirt. I sit on the bed when I’m dressed. I’m worn out. The pain in my ankle and leg is getting worse. It’s swelling up even more and turning purple.
The best thing I can do right now is play him at his own game. I’ll get nowhere arguing with him. I need to get him to let his guard down, so I can at least get the chance to make some kind of attempt at escaping. I bang on the door. “John I am dressed and…I’m sorry. Can we talk?” I may not love him anymore but I still know him, and, how his mind works.
The lock clicks and the door opens. John is standing there looking a bit unsure of what I might do. He’s obviously wondering if I’m playing him to get out. “I’m sorry I got cross with you John, I was just shocked, and I’m in so much pain with my ankle. It’s definitely broken. Would you be able to take me to the hospital please?”
“No. I can’t do that Bella. You can’t leave here. Ever.”
My heart sinks, although I didn’t expect him to say yes “How about some pain killers then, do you have any ibuprofen or paracetamol?”
“I’m sorry Bella, I never meant you to get hurt. But, actually I don’t think it’s such a bad thing. Now you’re unable to walk, you won’t be running off anywhere. It will slow you down. At least until you calm down and see sense. Once you realise how much we belong together. I’ll get a doctor to sort you out. I’m sure it will feel better in a day or two anyway.”
Ok so that’s not going to work. “Can I use the bathroom please? I really need a wee it’s been hours since I last went?” He looks at me, nods and walks in the direction of the toilet. I try and follow but I’m struggling hobbling along. He’s right, I won’t be going anywhere like this.
John turns and looks at me with sympathy. He comes back to me and puts my arm around him taking my weight. As much as I don’t want him near me, I’m glad of the help. We get into the bathroom and John doesn’t leave the room. “Could you give me some privacy John please?”
“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before Bella. Just get on with it.” It’s true I suppose but I feel incredibly uncomfortable and exposed.
I do what I need to do and wash my hands. John then helps me back to the room I was in. “Do I have to go back in here John? Can’t I sit in the living room with you?” I can see him thinking about my suggestion.
“Not now. I need to make us something to eat. Go and rest and I’ll bring it to you when it’s ready.” I am feeling pretty drained- a lie down does sound appealing. He helps me back to the bedroom and locks the door behind him.
I wake from my sleep to John stroking my head. “Hey sleeping beauty, dinner is served.” I was hoping this was a nightmare I would wake up from, but no, I’m definitely still here. “I’ve found some bandages in the bathroom cupboard, so I thought I’d strap your ankle up. It should heal better if it is kept in place. I am sorry about this Bella I never meant for you to get hurt.”
I give John a false smile and nod as he begins to strap up my ankle. Hopefully the support should help with the pain. John helps me into the dining room. He’s set the table with his grandmas best China and has lit the candles in the middle. “I’ve made your favourite.” He’s saying as he places a plate in front of me. It’s steak and peppercorn sauce with potatoes and vegetables. I wouldn’t say it was my favourite but it’s what John always used to make us when it was a special occasion. Mainly because it’s all he can cook.
“It looks delicious John- thank you.”
I’m not actually hungry but I know it’s been a while since I ate and I need to keep my strength up. Plus, I need to keep John sweet until I decide what I am going to do. While John is distracted eating and making small talk I try and look for anything that could help me. There must be a phone somewhere. I know his grandma used to have one. Although John has probably removed them all. I can see the phone line socket under the window but there’s nothing plugged into it. There’s another large window in here. It looks easy enough to get out of. The trouble is I don’t know where I’d go, once I got out. I need to get his car keys. I’d be no use on foot, but if I could get in a car, I’d just put my foot down and follow the road until I end up somewhere. Anywhere away from here, away from him. That’s my plan for now then. Find out where his car keys are.
I manage to eat most of my meal feeling a little more positive that I have some sort of plan. John has opened a bottle of wine, which could be a good or bad thing. Bad as I know he’s more aggressive when he’s had a drink but good as he sleeps like a baby when he’s drunk. John usually won’t stop at one bottle either, so it looks like I’m in for an interesting night.
We settle into the living room. The television is on- it’s “8 out of 10 Cats do Countdown”. We both naturally fall into our old ways of competing against each other in finding words with the most letters and who can work out the maths problem the quickest. We both laugh together and it reminds me that I was happy with John, especially in those early years. He just changed.
I think back to when it started. John had always had a close group of friends since school. One of them sadly passed away about 4 years ago- suicide. It hit all his friends really badly and they all lost touch with each other after that. That’s when he started to drink more. The aggression and possessiveness, if that’s what you’d call it, slowly built up the years after that. He used to be so lovely.
I was 18 when I met him. We met in club on the dance floor. He asked for my number and he called me the next day. He was a bit of a ladies’ man, a charmer but always treated me well. We were inseparable and I loved him so much. I look at him now though and he’s no longer that person. I feel guilty, I should have got him some help. A counsellor or spoken to the doctor about his drinking or something.
He turns and sees me looking at him. I force a smile. “See Bella, I knew it wouldn’t take long for you to realise. Look as us, together and happy. This is where you belong- with me.” He drains his glass of wine, gets up and goes into the kitchen for another bottle. He’s starting to relax a little more around me I notice; this is good. The more relaxed he is the more chance I have of finding his car keys. When we lived together, we had fruit bowl in the kitchen. We used to put our keys in that. I need to get in there and have a look.
I hop up and make my way to the kitchen. John dashes out and grabs my arm. “Bella what are you doing?!”
