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Luke went down on me and I came on his tongue while he moaned and called me “baby.” As a teenager, my fantasies with my best friend never really went beyond kissing so this alone was overwhelming. I hadn’t mentally prepared for this.
But mostly, I was cringing when I thought about some of the things I’d said to Luke. Not the dirty stuff. Thedesperatestuff. I begged him to let me be the girl in his bed for one night. To treat me like he was attracted to me for once. To lie to me. To pretend he wanted me.
I hated that I’d said it, but I really hated it because I meant it.
“So you slept with him?” Stephanie asked.
“Kind of.”
“How can youkind ofsleep with someone?”
“Don’t push her, Steph. What happened wasn’t the point,” Maya wisely pointed out.
Not knowing where else to go, I had headed back to my sister’s place. The last place I really wanted to be. And not even because of the leaky ceiling over the bed or Steph and Maya’s sex noises.
“Steph, you were right,” I admitted.
“Huh?”
“Being around Luke does something to me that I don’t like. I’ve been acting like a teenager. I lose myself when I’m around him and I don’t like it,” I continued. “If I had a friend who was acting like this, I’d tell her not to rush into things and put some distance between them. Maybe I should take my own advice. Maybe I need a little distance.”
I waited for my sister to gloat, but she didn’t. Instead, she hugged me. I hugged her back.
“Don’t you dare leave. Not because of Luke Kane, anyway,” she said.
“I don’t want to leave. I just don’t want to keep falling apart in front of Luke. Or anyone else, for that matter,” I said. “I’m not usually like this. I’m not this girl anymore.”
“Then what would it take to get back to where you want to be?” Maya asked.
“A fully functioning left hip. Maybe a couple dozen people under my command,” I answer.
“Something we actually have in Blue Creek,” Steph teased.
I thought about my time in the Army. Before the injury. A time where I really felt that I was thriving. I was making split-second calls and handling high-stress situations. I was in charge and I was good at it. I wanted Luke to see that version of Cindy Lawless.
Or, better yet, I wanted a version of Cindy Lawless that didn’t care what Luke thinks.
“I see the wheels turning, lady,” Maya said. “What’s going on?”
“So many things,” I answered. My temples started to hurt. “But I think I know where I need to start.”
I ran my hand through my hair. It was as long as it’d ever been and was a little unruly at the ends. It would be all too easy to close my eyes and remember what it felt like to have Luke thread his fingers through it, tugging it as he kissed me.
“I need a haircut.”
Saturday morning at eight,I made my way down to the park for this wholeso you think you can firefighterthing. I quickly found a group of six people, five men and one woman, stretching and getting ready for a run. A few wore Blue Creek High School T-shirts, but one guy has a USMC one on andSemper Fitattooed on his forearm.
I nodded at the guy and he crossed his arms over his chest.
“Not interested,” he said gruffly. He walked away, shaking his head.
I rolled my eyes at his arrogance and joined the others as they stretched. At least the rest of them were friendly. Out of habit, I sized them up quickly. The other woman looked a little younger than me but was built like a runner. She kind of kept to herself. Three of the guys looked like they were in their forties and were clearly buddies, teasing one another about whether or not they could actually complete the run, what with their late night at the bar the evening before. And the last guy was familiar.
“Cindy Lawless, what are you doing here?” the guy asked.
I knew I’d seen his face. Recently too.
“Andy Hauserman. From the other night,” he explained.
