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Is it crazy that I’m still scanning the crowd for him, even when I know he’s not here? My heart sinks to the soles of my white peep toe Louboutins. I want him. Even when I know I’ve made my decision and the man isn’t even in the same darn zip code as me, I never, ever stop wanting him.
We stand in a beautiful meadow in the back of the Village. The grass here is green year-round, a mystery that has never been solved. Everyone wears white as it's a celebration of life, not death. When a member of the Brotherhood passes, all of the men spend the night before the ceremony in a closed chamber with the body of the deceased, as they did last night with Mark.
There’s the sound of three claps. That’s our signal to drop to our knees. Join hands with those beside us, heads bowed. Together, our voices rise as we chant, “Love lives on. Love lives on. Love lives on.”
Rising from the earth in the center of the circle of family is a huge stone monument. Gray, brown and as old as the Bachmans. It continues to rise till it’s over ten feet tall. A stone is removed from the monument.
Now it’s the part of the ceremony where I’m going to lose it. The wife of a deceased Brother has to remove the necklace given to her by her husband on her wedding day and place it on the box of her husband’s remains. Shannon does so, the box is placed behind the missing stone and the stone is replaced. The monument will lower back into the ground when the ceremony is over.
I can’t watch, my own memories and pain still a burden. I never, ever want to be up there again, all eyes on me as I place my necklace on my husband’s remains. Tess helps her and I stay kneeling, my eyes shut tightly.
My breaths start to come too fast, my heart thumping in my chest too hard. Blood whooshes in my ears and I feel faint. It’s too much, this whole thing, it’s like reliving my husband’s death, losing the baby, leaving Beast.
I gently ease myself out of the circle, excusing myself as I tiptoe across the meadow. When I’m a respectful distance away, I break out into a run. I have to get away from this rock, the body. Tears start to flow, blurring my vision. My breaths are still coming fast. I’m on the verge of hyperventilating.
My hand goes to my queasy belly. My vision starts to go fuzzy, black circles closing in as I grow more faint. I need to find somewhere to sit before I collapse.
Strong hands grab my shoulders. “You couldn’t handle the crowd either?”
He’s…here? I’d heard he wasn’t able to make it. I told my heart and my little she-devil to count him out so we can continue to move on with our lonely lives.
“You’re here.” I look up and our eyes meet. And in this moment, I can no longer deny the truth. I am selfish. I would risk him being taken by my curse. I need him that badly.
“You okay?” His familiar voice. It instantly calms me, the stress draining from my body.
He can clearly see that I’m not. Instead of waiting for an answer, he just folds me into his arms. And I just cry. My cheek presses against the soft fabric of his white shirt; it’ll be ruined with my tears in a matter of moments. I don’t care and the loving way he rubs my back tells me he doesn’t care either.
He leans down, his words ruffling the curls at the top of my head. “God, I’ve missed you.”
“I—I’ve m—missed you too,” I choke out between sobs. “Every minute.”
My confession makes him give a little chuckle. “Good. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only who was going crazy being apart.”
“Yeah, I was starting to feel really…” Desperate? Defeated? Like life was no longer worth living? I can’t find a word that adequately describes the pain I carried around in my chest. Finally, I put my finger on it. “Brokenhearted.”
He wraps his arms tighter around me, his protective warmth enveloping me. He rests his chin on the top of my head. His words are soft. “You know there’s a simple solution to all that pain.”
“I know,” I say.
“But I guess being here at” —his voice breaks as he says his friend’s name— “Mark’s celebration of life, it’s bringing up too many memories for you to change your mind, isn’t it?”
“Yes. No.” I shake my head. “I don’t know. All I know is that I want to be with you. And I don’t want to get hurt.”
He cups my face in his hands, making me look up at him. “But you’re hurting now.”
“I know.”
“What if the decision was taken away from you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m no longer letting you choose.” He drops my face, bends down, slips his strong arms behind my back and under the backs of my legs, and scoops me up in the air like a bride going over the threshold. “I’m kidnapping you. Again.”
“Right now? Here?” A giggle escapes me as he tightens his hold on me, my feet dangling in the air.
“Yes. Right here, right now.” He turns on a bootheel, carrying me as if my weight is nothing to him. He heads away from the meadow. “I said my private goodbyes to Mark this morning. The sun was rising. I could feel his presence. I wanted to let you have the opportunity to go to his ceremony, but it looks like you’re ready to go sooner than I thought.”
It’s symbolic as we walk away from the meadow, him carrying me away from death. I’m going to leave the curse behind me in that rock. At the end of the ceremony, it will go back down in the ground where it came from and be buried, and I’ll be free.
