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I feel foolish, thinking of how special that moment was when he held my hand. I’m an adult, and here I am, getting all hung up on a man because he holds my hand.
I guess it really has been a while since I’ve been out with anyone. I’m standing here, salivating over scraps of barely-there affection.
After I nod along with Leo’s plan to go to his place so he can get some clothes, I fall silent as I walk beside him. I can tell he doesn’t like the silence, because he starts chatting away, almost nervously as we walk over bramble and brush.
“My place is… I know how witches get. You like things artistic. Creative. My condo isn’t like that, and I don’t want you walking inside and throwing shade. I wasn’t expecting company, so it is what it is.” When I don’t respond, he continues. “And I don’t know how we’re going to get you inside without a dozen shifters scenting you and coming out to see what’s what. It’s not exactly a good idea to have a witch on the property. The whole street is bear shifters, and we don’t turn a blind eye to outsiders. Luckily, we went hunting earlier today, so most of them are tired and might not wake right away. But it’s going to be a problem.”
I stop, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Then why are we going into Grayrock? I can get you clothes at any random store.”
He sighs as if I have said something stupid. “It’s not just that, Ivy.” The way he says my name makes me feel as if this is all normal, as if we walk through the woods like this all the time in the moonlight. “I have responsibilities at home. I have a pack to look after. If I’m going to be away figuring this out with you for any length of time, I can’t just ditch. I have to make sure they’ll be okay in my absence.”
Angst rolls through me. “How long do you think it’ll take to break the tether if we don’t know what the witch wants?”
“I don’t know. You understand your kind better than I ever could.”
I exhale loudly through my nose. “That’s nothing like the truth. The only witch I ever met was Fern, and she’s long gone. I wasn’t raised in Grayrock. I don’t know what makes witches tick. You have way more experience with them than I do.”
His jaw tightens. “Then Grayrock is where we need to be. The witch who cast this can see us together, and maybe that will be enough to satisfy them. Then this can all be over.”
I knew I would never fit in with the magical community, but every word out of Leo’s mouth only confirms my insecurities on the subject.
“What?” he asks me, as if my deflated self-worth should matter to him in the slightest.
I keep my eyes fixed ahead so they don’t wander to his ripped form. Maybe if he wasn’t so tall, dark, and handsome, I wouldn’t be so nervous. “Nothing. Fern always told me I wouldn’t fit in with shifters, vampires, and other witches. I hate it when she’s right.”
His face twists. “Fitting in is overrated.”
“So is being alone.” I grimace at my words, not meaning to have spoken them aloud. There I go again, saying more than I mean to and revealing my hand when it’s nobody’s business how I feel about the world.
Leo’s tone softens. “What you want is to belong. To be who you are around people who like that about you. Fitting in means you’re squeezing yourself into a position you weren’t meant to fill. You can do it with a smile, but it’s pure misery.”
“What would you know about pure misery, guy who leads a pack?”
I can feel his eyes drift to me, studying my unhappiness before he responds by unveiling a little of his vulnerable side, as well. “Leading is almost as lonely as being alone, I would wager. It doesn’t matter if I have a hard day. It doesn’t matter if I’m worried and want a break. I have to instill confidence in the pack, even when I’m spinning out. So, I’m with them, sure, but I keep the dreary parts to myself. Same color of loneliness you feel, just in a different shade.”
I slip into therapist mode without meaning to. “Is that what they want from you? A leader who feels nothing?”
I can tell he doesn’t have an answer for this, which is sort of the point. Wrestling with life is the goal, not solving it all in one go.
“They want me to find a mate. That much I know. They want our pack protected from attacks. Other than that, my problems are my problems. I don’t need to bother them with it all.”
I keep my face turned from his so he can’t see it if my cheeks turn pink. “I’m sure you won’t have any trouble finding a mate. You’re very well put together.”
He chuckles at the carefully worded compliment. “I didn’t know you noticed. Thanks. But it’s not like that. You don’t find a mate. Fate finds you. It’s not like going on a date and picking out the qualities you like best in a person. It comes on you like a monsoon, and suddenly, everything is different. But it tends not to happen if you’re not open to it. My pack is upset with me because I’m not exactly the cuddly, affectionate sort of person who’s open to being mated. So, fate keeps passing me by.”
“Yikes. And mating hasn’t happened for you?”
“You’d know if it had. My mate’s name would come out of my mouth before my own.” He shakes his head. “I don’t want that. The pack comes first, not my own personal interests. Our pack is strong because I have a singular focus. The other packs should be so lucky.”
I don’t challenge this worldview because I know so little about the whole thing. “Then I’m glad you’re happy.”
“Happy?” His mouth twists around the word. “What does that have to do with any of it?”
I shrug while we walk, ducking under a branch that he holds up, so I don’t bonk my head on it. “You don’t want a mate and you don’t have one. You want to focus solely on the pack, which it sounds like is what you do. That’s good. Goal: met.”
He grumbles at my assessment, as if I’m trying to be sarcastic, which I’m not. Sarcasm doesn’t do a thing for my patients, so I tend to steer clear of anything that might make a person uneasy in my office.
Leo motions between us with a frown. “Is this what therapy feels like? Because I hate it.”
