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Music plays again and the lights do a dramatic show as another set of decked-out stars step on the stage and up to the microphone. I look down to Raquel as they go through their spiel and see a camera dancing in her face. Ben puts a hand to her knee for show, and my hands tighten into fists on reflex.
God, I fucking hate watching him touch her, real or not.
The screen at the back of the stage projects an image of Rocky, smiling for the camera and doing a little wave as the woman at the microphone leans in.
“And the nominees for Female Actor in a Leading Role are…”
Her male counterpart leans in at her pause. “Helen Wang, Gilded Bedrooms. Lori Hersh, Ballet Badlands. Raquel Weaver, Gray River Falls. Sharon Wright, Bella Baby. Bridget Sawyer, Where the River Runs.”
A thick envelope in hand, the woman leans forward again as she pops it open, and I hold my breath. “And the Actor goes to…Raquel Weaver, Gray River Falls!”
“Oh my God,” I say to myself, putting my hands together in a violent clap. I whistle so loud that Toby turns to me with a scornful look, but I don’t care. Way to go, Rocky!
The camera pans to her immediately, capturing her smile and tears, and the sweet, magical way she sets her face in her hands in surprise. Ben grabs her wrists and puts his forehead to hers before pressing a quick kiss to her lips.
Chaste, meaningless kiss or not, my stomach immediately turns, all the jubilation I just felt taking a swift dive into nothingness.
I hate that I hate watching that so much. It’s supposed to be simple between us. Simple and clean and easy so I know, without a doubt, that I’ll get to be involved in my child’s life. No drama between his or her parents to derail it.
Rocky climbs the steps and up and onto the stage gracefully, kicking the long train of her dress behind her when she reaches the top and accepting the award with graciousness and a smile.
I can see hints of her real smile under a layer of the one she plays up for the people.
I watch avidly as she steps up to the microphone to make her speech, and it’s like watching a transformation, right before my eyes.
Even with her protruding baby bump, she positions her hips in the sexiest, staged pose, the slit of her dress allowing the full length of her leg to show, all the way to her bikini line. She pouts her overdrawn lips and giggles in a way I know doesn’t come naturally to the woman I’ve heard laugh for real.
In fact, I’ve heard of multiple personalities before, but I’ve never in my life seen a person display a more distinct set of two.
“Thank you,” she says, her voice a watered-down version of its normal full body as she makes it raspy and sexy to play to the crowd. “I can’t say what it means to me to be receiving this award for one of my favorite projects I’ve ever worked on. I know it was a collective effort, and I know I’ll remember my time with my castmates for as long as I’m alive. Thank you—thank you to…the father of my child,” she says, moving her eyes down to Ben pointedly. I have to hold my breath to stop myself from jumping up right then, yelling for everyone in the room to hear that Ben didn’t have a fucking thing to do with making that baby.
And quite frankly, the Raquel on stage didn’t either.
The woman from the bar—my Rocky—and the woman of the world when it comes to Raquel Weaver are two entirely different people. I could spot the difference in her laughs from a mile and a half away in dense fog while blindfolded. I swear, there isn’t even a hint of genuine happiness in the rolling curl of her Hollywood laugh, and yet, everyone sinks to their knees in front of it with roses and gifts.
I have to imagine that if they ever heard the real thing, they’d be lost to her charms forever. It wouldn’t matter if she were a virgin or a prostitute. It wouldn’t matter if she were married or divorced or pregnant with the child of an expatriate with ties to terrorism. They’d be taken with her completely, without a chance in hell of changing their minds.
It’s how I’ve felt about her since the moment I heard her laugh so hard she couldn’t stand up straight as we ran toward my apartment in the rain. I tried to forget it—and yet, now here I am, chasing her all over the goddamn world just for a few precious moments of her time.
And I guess that’s maybe why she guards her real personality so well. Maybe, deep down, she’s scared of what will happen if someone falls in love with her without condition. The last time she let people in—her mom, dad, and brother—they all took off and left her without a second thought.
