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There was no way I’d ever be able to let her go.
That solidified the fact I’d always been a monster.
CHAPTER14
Sarah
Love versus hate.
What was the old adage about there being a fine line? In my mind, the two were interchangeable.
I whispered hateful words about Gabriel several times only to moan in the throes of passion, screaming out his name from sheer euphoria the next. The back and forth was killing me.
Even now, I couldn’t get him off my mind no matter how hard I tried. He’d left without telling me where he was going.
Denial.
I’d always known I was damn good at denying the obvious. That had started at an early age, denying my father was stepping out on my mother. They’d pretended like they were the perfect couple, always allowing me to see them as he kissed her goodbye. However, I’d found his collection of pornographic magazines first. Then I’d discovered love notes from some chick named Ann hidden in a special place in the garage. I’d thought my parents had hidden Christmas presents.
That had continued through the years, even discovering some pretty twisted pictures of him with another woman. I couldn’t remember her name. She was in a long line of them by then. At that point, he was police captain, my mother able to fend off her sadness through the purchase of new clothes and jewelry.
By then I’d simply turned a blind eye. However, it was obvious I’d stored away the information, which had added to animosity my father and I shared. He’d caught me once looking at his things, grounding me for two weeks for snooping. That had set the tone. Had I believed he was capable of anything worse? Yes. It was as simple as that. There was no sense in lying to myself. His vendetta against the Giordano family had come out of the blue. At least that’s what my mother had told me a long time ago. Up to that point, she rarely complained, so when she did so about his newfound hatred, I’d questioned her.
I don’t know why that conversation suddenly came to me. She’d been scared. But of the Giordano family. Hmmm… I stood at the set of French doors in the living room, watching Dillon play with the dogs. He was so good with them, obviously enjoying himself tossing three different balls. And the babies were loving it. They had no clue that Mommy couldn’t join them. While I felt more like a bird in a cage, what I’d overheard and what Gabriel had said to me had confused the hell out of me.
Or maybe it hadn’t.
Perhaps I was just in another phase of denial.
I’d never believed that an instant attraction could or should go anywhere solid. I’d been led to believe by my mother that it took time to learn about each other in order for there to be real feelings. I also laughed thinking about it now. For all her advice, I wondered if she’d discovered what kind of man my father truly was, would she have married him? It was funny. I’d always wondered why they’d never had another child. Maybe she’d refused to allow him to touch her.
I pressed my hand to the glass, allowing myself to fantasize about what it would be like living in the house under different circumstances. While Dillon had made a fire because he’d refused to allow me to do it myself, I still felt a tremendous chill that I had a feeling wouldn’t leave quickly.
Until I was under Gabriel’s perfect body.
I rubbed my fingers across my lips, hungering for his kisses when I should be thinking about getting myself out of here. His kisses had been wonderfully dizzying, his tongue twisting in a perfect waltz of domination that he’d won every time. The way he’d touched me, while rough at first, had shifted to being tender and sweet, but his mouth had claimed me so many times, it was as if he needed the very air I breathed.
Just thinking about him was enough to keep me from processing the truth about how I felt about him. It wasn’t just physical, although no man had ever ignited a fire that burned so brightly I was certain my skin was singed.
Everything remained in an intense haze, which wasn’t like me. The yin and yang of the way he’d treated me over the last twenty-four hours had driven me crazy. One minute he’d acted as if I was a beautiful doll that he could place in a corner, waiting for his arrival and filthy use. The other had been as if he needed to devour me whole. Yet there’d been a spark, his emotions disturbing on so many levels. I’d even seen the look in his eyes change as he’d expressed his remorse and guilt about the woman he’d cared about. But he was still holding something back from me, an ugliness that if exposed could tear him apart.
The kind of love that I’d been searching for my entire life wasn’t something he could provide. While I adored how strongly he felt about his sisters, willing to protect them with his life, that was all the love he was capable of. I craved more than just the physicality that we shared, even if the passion was extraordinary. I longed for something special, able to trust and respect the person I was involved with.
Was that even possible with a brutal man like Gabriel?
My inner voice continued to nag me, reminding me that he was still human and that I’d seen a portion of his heart. Would that ever happen again?
I’d also experienced such tenderness in the man during the night, but he could never let himself go, caring enough to let down his guard. He’d shut down his emotions, treating me as nothing but a captive, a woman he could use. At least that’s the way I’d felt when he’d walked out of the bedroom.
What are you doing to yourself? Why?
Because I wanted…
I closed my eyes, furious more with myself than with him. I’d let my guard down.
Sadly, that’s what he did to me, but it wasn’t about the man loving me. At least the kind I was talking about.
Marriage.
