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I’m pulling a pan of homemade mac and cheese out of the oven when I hear a door close. “Hey Michael, I made some lunch if you’re hungry. Do you think I could run to the grocery store in a little bit?” When I turn, I see Masen standing in the doorway. I straighten my back, and my guard goes up. I’m not sure if I’ll be seeing my kind, bossy man or the Alpha.
When moments pass and he doesn’t speak, I turn and continue writing my list. I know he hasn’t left the kitchen yet. I blank my mind and slowly erect a wall there. I have no idea if it’ll work. I hear him turn to leave, and my heart falls. I’m not sure what I was expecting from Masen, but his total indifference was not it.
I leave my list and lunch and head outside to the front porch. I distract myself thinking about what I need. Clothes seem the most important. I only have a few bras and panties left. I know I need to use Masen’s computer or ask him to have someone take me shopping. Online will probably be my best bet. I’m just not eager to face him. When I think about everything I have to replace, I experience a loss I wasn’t expecting. I know it’s just mostly clothes and shoes, but I had to live a long time in hand-me-downs or resale shop finds. It wasn’t until I was on my own I started to buy things for myself. I only splurged on a few things. Hell, I still hit the resale shops, sometimes, but it’s because I want to, not because it’s my only option.
Everything just keeps piling up. I feel like I’m in crisis or recovery mode, constantly. I just can’t seem to find my compass. I can’t understand how one minute I feel so protected, then the next, he’s who I need protection from. I need to stand back and look at things without my emotions clouding my judgment. The problem is I don’t know how.
I’ve been outside for about fifteen minutes when Masen comes out. He must have showered. His hair is damp, and he wears only a pair of dark gray sweats low on his hips. My heart rate triples as he takes the seat across from me. I add another layer to my wall. He eyes me warily as he sits.
“I was way out of line today. I’m sorry.”
I hope I can do this without tears or yelling. “Masen, can you tell me exactly what you’re sorry for?”
“Ah, erm...” I’ve surprised him. “I should have never put my hands on you in anger,” he says quietly. He’s ashamed. “I never should have yelled at you or spoken to you that way.”
I sigh. “See, Masen, I think if you could have just answered my question all of that could have been avoided. Had you said we’ll talk about it later, I would have waited. Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“I was handling it.”
“Masen, it’s my house. It involves me. Don’t you think I have the right to know?”
“I know it’s your old house. What difference does you knowing make? I was trying to protect you.” He’s getting agitated.
“You’re right me knowing doesn’t make a difference, but I still wanted to know. I’m not a baby, and that’s exactly how you treated me. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have you yell at me like an errant child in front of your men. Even when I thought you rejected me, I didn’t scream at you. When you were a jerk about my virginity, I was still worried about how you felt, but you belittle me in front of all those people over something I couldn’t control or because I asked a question. Not to mention, how much it hurts me that you can even treat me like that.” My voice cracks, but I keep my composure.
“How are you blocking me?” There’s an accusation along with that question.
“My thoughts are my own,” I state firmly. At least, I know it works. What I really want to say is you don’t deserve my thoughts right now. I would rather he think I’m angry than know how hurt I really am.
His elbows fall to his knees, and he drops his head into his hands, raking through his hair in frustration. “Look, I know I was a dick. I’m sorry, but whatever you’re doing, please stop it!”
“Masen, we both have a lot to learn about each other. But, I’ll tell you now, I’m not an agree to disagree person. Everything I’ve said to you is a valid point to me. Yet, you think your generalized apology and ignoring everything I said is enough? I may not always agree with you, but I promise to always not only listen to you but hear you. Then, we may agree to disagree but not when I know you haven’t heard a word I’ve said. I don’t think I can handle much more of this conversation without getting upset. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to be alone for a bit.” I want to cry and rip my own hair out.
Masen’s fist slams onto the table. “No, it’s not okay. I feel hollow. I can’t even think clearly. Fix it!” His eyes plead with me.
“Masen, I am not doing it to punish you. I’m doing it to protect myself!” I shout.
His face crumples, white-blue eyes sad. “From me,” he whispers.
I’m breathing heavy. I close my eyes and take a few moments to calm myself. “Yes, from you. I don’t know how one wrong look, one wrong word from you, and I’m a wreck. This is not me. I feel weak. I just can’t seem to find my north.”
His frown deepens. “Baby, I wanna be your north.”
I shake my head sadly. “You can’t be my north when I never know what direction you’re headed.”
He stands, rushes around the table, and snatches me from my chair. His big palm goes to the back of my head and holds me to his neck. My arms wrap over his shoulders and drape down his back while my legs dangle in front of his. “I’m sorry I reacted so badly, but I’m sorrier about how I’ve handled this. When I came home and you blocked me right away, I freaked.”
It's so hard not to comfort him, tell him everything is okay. I hate feeling like I’m disappointing him.
He rounds the corner and takes us to his swing. “You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about, Little One. It’s me that is and should be embarrassed. After the way I’ve continually treated you, I don’t think Michael will ever respect me as your Mate.” I can hear the regret and shame clear in his voice.
My resolve is crumbling as he cradles me to his chest. I lower my walls enough to send him reassuring thoughts but keep my emotion in.I’m here. We’ll be fine.His big body sags the tiniest bit when he hears me. “Masen, I know I’m overly sensitive when it comes to you. I’ll work on that, and I’d like it if you could talk to me more.” It comes out muffled from my face being mashed as he crushes me to him.
He understands fine because he nods his head. “I will, baby. I’m not used to being questioned. It’s not an excuse, it just is. But I will do better.”
I can feel his distress over everything that’s happened today. We are both exhausted, and it’s barely two o’clock. “Let’s go eat. You can tell me if you’re any closer to finding those creeps. Then, we can talk about fun stuff like shopping.” I say the last part dramatically, hoping to lighten the mood.
The corner of his lip lifts. He stands still holding me and goes back inside to the kitchen. “I can walk, you know.”
