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Mare took a seat on the couch that I’d noticed she frequented—the thing was practically her own. “Want to talk about it?”
“I…” I bit my lip.
Talking about things only ever made them worse for me, but I did know that for some people, talking shit out was how they worked through it. Therapists wouldn’t have jobs if it didn’t, right? And I’d never met a therapist I actually liked, but plenty of people had, so they couldn’tallbe bad.
Theoretically.
“Calian thinks we’re married,” I admitted. “I’ve never even had a fucking boyfriend. He was smothering me, and I liked it, but I was afraid of how much I liked it. That probably sounds stupid, but…” I sighed. “I don’t know.”
“It’s not stupid. Not many people would be able to go from a life they hated in a world they didn’t want to be in, to a new world where a man considered her the love of his life without a little stress. Or a lot of stress.”
I groaned. “You make it sound even worse.”
She laughed. “Knowing it’s a weird situation just makes you more capable of dealing with it, January.”
January.
“Why do you guys all call me that? I’ve never gone by my full name in my entire life. My first foster parents thought it was too weird.”
She gave me a small smile. “It just fits you. Back on Earth, January is a fresh start. A new year. We’ve all experienced January so many times, but every time it comes around, people still walk into it with new goals they want to accomplish and ideas about the new person they want to become. January is just… hope, I guess. You might not be a super hopeful person, but you’re a survivor. Anyone can see that, Calian included, I can imagine. And there’s something innately hopeful about looking at someone and seeing that they survived shit that would break most people.”
I grimaced. “Survivaldefinitelybroke me.”
She shook her head, biting her lip and looking out a window. “I…” she trailed off, and her gaze lingered on the window the girls had uncovered a few days earlier. “When things were bad, I read books. I hid in worlds that never existed. I always have, and I probably always will. I didn’t survive things, I just… ignored them. Pretended they weren’t real. I’m not proud of that, either. The only thing I’ve done that I’m actually, genuinely proud of was wishing on the star that opened the portal for the Wild Hunt to bring me here, and I almost didn’t do that. So yeah, I respect you, and I don’t think you’re broken. You look your demons in the eyes, and I don’t. That’s something I’ve always wished I could change about myself.”
“Keeping your head down isn’t hiding from your problems. It’s another survival tactic, one I’ve always wished I was better at,” I argued, leaning toward her. My lizard-fruit was still in one hand, two-thirds eaten and yet forgotten at the same time. “There’s nothing shameful about choosing not to pick a fight.”
“Those who stand for nothing fall for everything,” Mare said quietly. “No one really knows who said that quote, but it feels like it was written about my fucking life.”
I didn’t know that I’d ever heard her swear before, and I kind of loved it.
“Live to fight another day,” I countered. “I have no idea who said that one, but I think it’s a much better summary of your life, and I don’t even know what kind of fucking life you’ve lived.”
A snort escaped her. “I wish you were wrong.”
“Well, I usually am. So don’t get used to this.” I leaned back against the couch, fighting a soft smile I never usually showed.
We were both quiet for a few minutes.
Mare broke the silence, though her voice was soft. “Have you told Lian that you want to take things slow and get to know each other? In the years I’ve been here, he’s checked up on us more than all of the other fae put together. He takes care of people. If you explain to him that you’re not ready for the kind of relationship he wants, but that you might be in a few weeks, or months, or years, I can’t imagine he would walk away.”
I bit my lip, considering it.
She was right; I didn’t have a damned doubt about that.
Lian would take whatever I gave him, even if he was pissed about doing so.
“He deserves more, you know? Like… he’s not innocent; he’s probably killed a hundred fae.”
“At least,” Mare agreed.
I sighed heavily. “Not innocent, but not experienced in the ways I am. I don’t think this world has the kind of darkness that I’ve seen back on Earth, honestly. And I don’t want it to, but that makes it hard for me to consider a relationship with someone who can’t understand me.”
“Can’t, or hasn’t been given the chance?” Mare countered.
I shot her a glare. “Why do you have to make me think about these things?”
A laugh escaped her. “You’re the one trying to force me to reconsider my whole outlook on life. Live to fight another day, my ass.”
