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“She’s a forceful one, that Piff.”
Jane embraced her mother and wanted to cry with relief.
“I saw him breathing, is there hope for us yet?”
Now it was the footman’s turn to reveal himself as he wriggled out from underneath the bed.
“That was me,” he confessed, producing a small bellows and a flexible hose. He demonstrated a few puffs, and the bedding rose over the Baron’s chest.
Jane’s hopes crashed like a kicked milking bucket. She had believed the vision before her.
“It was most convincing,” she said with a sniff.
“I am sorry to have raised your hopes, my darling,” Mama said. “But if it’s any consolation, I believe Lady Jardine was very well convinced, and that was the desired outcome.”
Jane slumped. “We shall have to keep this mummery in play until they leave, and they’ve made no mention of when that might be.”
“I’m afraid so. Now, my dear, if we may have a little private conversation,” Mama said. “I have some more upsetting news.
******
“What do you mean I can’t be with child?” Jane said, “All the things that you said would happen have happened, so that means I am carrying the next Baron Ealing.”
Mama held her warmly and with reassurance.
“I am so sorry, my dear, but I do not believe he managed to finish the act that he needed to perform.”
Confusion took hold. “In what way?”
“He was completely dry, my dear. I examined him.”
“Mama!”
Another embrace and more soothing noises from her mother ensued.
“It’s all perfectly fine, nobody else needs to know. But the fact is, he did not spill his seed inside you. And that is what is needed to get with child. But do not worry, we shall keep this from the Jardines and will have many months to find alternative employment for the staff here. And your marriage was valid in the eyes of God, and we have not lost your dowry, so you shall be able to marry again at some time in the future.”
“But…” Jane’s mind swirled back to the previous evening, before her life fell to pieces. “He climbed on top of me and pushed at me…” Jane felt every kind of fool there ever could be. As she said the words out loud, she realised that Mama had to be correct. “How did it not work?”
“I’m so sorry I did not explain the marriage bed in more detail. I truly believed that the Baron was healthier than he let on, and that there would be no need for any of this. But he needed to put himself properly inside you and… when I examined him… well, you see, I wasn’t really examining, but when I was dressing him in a night shirt and I had to prise his hand away from his member, that’s when I noticed how dry he was, and how there was no sign of any seed anywhere. It has a… distinctive smell.”
Jane refuted. “But I have felt nauseous and faint today!”
“I would too if my step-daughter arrived with her entire family and extended staff the day after my wedding.”
Jane threw herself on the chaise and wanted to cry. No tears came, however, so she sat up and took in some deep breaths.
“Even after they leave, I am sure they have spies keeping them informed of events here. In a short while they will realise that I am in fact not with child and then what? They march straight back in and kick the lot of us out?”
They both sat in silence for a while, until Mama said, “Unless …”
“Unless what?”
“Unless we could get you with child anyway.”
Jane creased her forehead in confusion. “Cut a dead man’s seed from his body you mean?”
“No, that would… be beyond sin, and I don’t know how that could even work. But Mr Foote might be able to assist.”
