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“Peaceful out here,” Boomer says as he pulls off his helmet and sunglasses.
I huff a humorless laugh, thinking it would be more peaceful if I were alone, but I don’t say the words. My irritation right now is more about me than about him, and I’m not one to be hurtful out of spite.
“I know what it’s like to want something you know you shouldn’t have.”
I resist the urge to look at him.
I’m not surprised Boomer noticed something between Aro and me like Misty did. I’m not exactly an expert in covert feelings.
Boomer doesn’t go into details or bombard me with a million questions, and I know that’s purposeful. If he asks. it opens the door for me to ask what he’s talking about. Although I’m curious what he thinks he can’t have, I’d never ask. This isn’t a therapy session, and he’s here for silent support not to get interrogated.
“Sometimes life makes absolutely no sense,” I say instead.
He nods, keeping his eyes on the lake.
I turn back to look out over the water, the vegetation around the edges now coming back to life after an unusually cold winter.
A bird, likely an eagle or hawk, calls out above us, and it makes me wish for the freedom it has. I’m not the type to try and escape my problems, despite what this bike ride looks like. I know I’m going to have to face Aro, eventually. What bothers me is that facing him isn’t going to look like the healthy way it should. We aren’t going to sit down and talk about feelings. I’m not going to confess to him that I’m struggling with managing my expectations, the ones I should’ve come to terms with long before he held up the stop sign on our sexual relationship. I won’t ever get the chance to tell him I wanted more because that will only open me up to being rejected a second time. I’m healthy enough not to walk into a situation where I know I don’t have a chance.
The only closure I’m ever going to have with Aro is one I can find on my own. With where my head is right now, I don’t know how healthy that’s going to be. I can’t see myself shoving down my feelings until they’re so compact that I’m able to forget about them. This is the messiness he wanted to avoid. Honestly, I didn’t want things to get blurred either, but there’s no going back now. It’s not a switch I can flip, despite wanting desperately to do exactly that.
Avoiding him will draw suspicion. Him changing the way he acts around me will do the same, and I know he’ll only do it because he’s going to think that I’ve caught serious feelings for him, and he’d be right.
I shake my head at nothing but the thoughts running wild up there, but Boomer doesn’t call me out on it.
If Aro doesn’t act differently around me, I won’t be able to handle it. If he watches me and flirts with me in front of the guys like he always has, it will crush me.
Things have changed between us, and there’s no way around that.
Messy. Yeah, this is messy as hell.
“Ready to go back?” Boomer asks as he bends down to pick up a rock.
“Not yet,” I tell him without going into details.
I don’t know that I ever want to go back, and although I can shift that blame to Aro and be partially right, we were both active participants in what we did. I can’t blame him without blaming myself.
I seriously need another session with Dr. Alvarez because what she told me the last time we spoke about Aro fucked with my head a little too much.
I’m not some princess in need of saving but at the same time, I don’t have a problem imagining myself with my own prince charming.
The worst part about it all is that my prince wants nothing to do with me. My prince isn’t at home losing sleep or going through hell to make his way back to me. The man I could imagine my prince being is drinking a beer and probably making plans to call one of the many women he hooked up with before Costa Rica, so he doesn’t have to spend the night alone.
My prince charming is a complete asshole, one I’ll have to witness day in and day out bringing other women home when it should be me in his bed.
With one final deep breath, I dig deep inside of me, vowing that Aro wasn’t a mistake but an experience I have to accept will never go any further. When I start my bike back up and leave the lake, I feel lighter.
I can fake it until I make it with the best of them.
