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I never knew that people can become addicted to chaos. It sounds absurd, but I started to feel an unfamiliar tension in the back of my neck as soon as we were moved in. The apartment was so quiet, and I knew that I’d never have to hear the sound of my father’s voice as he commands his men to kill someone that I didn’t know.
After I had been in therapy for a few months, I realized that I had been lashing out and crying all the time because I was not getting my fix of adrenaline every day. Even though I had left a horrible situation, I couldn’t figure out why I felt so incomplete. Once I was able to put the pieces together, I was finally able to feel relaxed and content.
The people here weren’t shy about letting me know that I was being rude, especially when I was out alone without Dominik. When he’s with me, people tend to leave me alone for obvious reasons. However, I’ve been picked on plenty of times for not knowing about the local co-ops or smoothie shops that are opening up downtown.
Dominik has had to be extremely patient with me while I navigate this new way of life, but he’s never once made me worry that he was going to leave me. He would get frustrated, sometimes even angry, but I always knew that he would choose me every time.
The pregnancy was difficult at first when we were still living in a motel. The free clinic was able to give me the care I needed without insurance, which is a huge problem that I had never encountered before. It feels like there are so many roadblocks to everything when you’re poor, and I didn’t have the skills to know how to face it at first. I felt like I was suffering every single day.
After a while, I started to realize that the way we were living wasn’t how everyone else did. I hadn’t realized just how strong Dominik had to be every single day in order for us to eat. It felt so strange to be looking at the world from below instead of above.
No matter how hard it was, Dominik never showed any sign of weakness. He never complained, doing the best he could to provide for me while our twins were still growing in my belly.
I still have dreams about my old life every night. It’s mostly neutral dreams about my day-to-day life, now so foreign after being all I knew for so long. The contrast between these two lives is so clear, and it takes me a minute to remember where I am and how I got here.
By the sixth month of my pregnancy, we were able to move into a real apartment with two bedrooms. I had never had my own apartment before, and even though this wasn’t at all what I had dreamed of as a teenage girl, I was still overjoyed to be crossing this milestone with Dominik. He wasn’t nearly as excited since he’s had at least six apartments, but he was still able to celebrate with me.
Doing common domestic work took even longer for me to learn than my social skills, but now I’m just grateful that I’m here scrubbing the floor instead of having babies for Izet. Whenever I feel ungrateful or unhappy, I remember that the whole reason we came here was to escape a life of mistreatment, isolation, and loneliness.
The first night that we slept together in our own bed is a memory that will remain clear in my head for the rest of my life. We had spent the entire day unpacking everything that we’d bought for the apartment, plus what little we owned, and I was ready to collapse on the floor.
Dominik saw how exhausted I was and ordered me to sit down while he set up our bed for us. I felt terrible for not helping, but it did feel good to finally stop moving my pregnant body for a bit.
About an hour later, he comes back into the living room and picks me up off the couch. At first, I thought he was trying to be funny, and I felt self-conscious about how much weight I’d gained. When I realized that he really just wanted to treat me well, I relaxed into his arms and let him carry me the rest of the way.
I had never felt so supported like that by anyone, not even since I was a child. Every person who walked in and out of my life was met with a thin veil of skepticism and distrust. Everybody that I had met, including my own parents, had failed me miserably in the short amount of time that they’d had with me. I had accepted the bare minimum from both of them, learning to accept as much as I got, even though it was never enough.
Having stability in our home has brought me so much peace. Our daughter will never have to know the childhood that I did, constantly under the threat of mortal terror. She will never be second to the allure of wealth, and she’ll grow up in a family with warmth, honesty, and love.
Through the years, the bond that I share with Dominik has gotten so strong that I would trust him to guide me through a pitch-black cave in the middle of the night. He’s my best friend, the first I’ve ever had. Our relationship has plenty of romance and sex, but the friendship we’ve formed has filled a hole in my heart that has existed since I was a child. Having these babies with him has helped me to relive my childhood somewhat, giving me the power to give her everything she could ever need.
Today Dominik has taken the day off to spend with Vivka and Olivia, our two baby girls. Dominik was right that I would have girls. I think he might be right about everything.
The Godfather is playing on TV again, and I keep it on purely for the irony. I’m sitting on the couch watching Vivka play with her stuffed animals, a snake and a baby bat that we found for her on one of our adventures in the city. The scene in front of me feels so strange, an old mafia film in the background of my baby’s babbling voice.
But this time, the violence is contained.
It can never hurt her.
I’m about to pick her up and move her away from the stairs when Dominik walks in carrying multiple grocery bags in one hand, and Olivia in the other. He refuses my help and he doesn’t explain himself until he’s brought them all in.
“Didn’t we just buy groceries?” I ask as I look through a bag of what appears to be three different kinds of garlic bulbs.
“Yeah, but I remember that you said you missed the fancy dinners you used to get, so I wanted to try to replicate your favorite.”
I blink at him, confused but pleased by his attentiveness. Having daughters has made him into such a gentleman. It’s sometimes jarring.
“You always talk about the grilled salmon that you used to get at that place with the crystal waterfall inside. You wanted it a lot when you were pregnant, but we couldn’t afford it. So, I’m making it for you tonight,” he replies as he sets the last bag down.
I’m speechless. I never even knew that I talked about food that much, especially not one particular meal. The fact that he was paying enough attention to know that it was my favorite melts me from the inside out.
“I mean, I’m not going to say no. I’m a little over spaghetti, if I’m being honest,” I reply as Vivka starts to play with my hair, her chubby little fingers tangled as she twists the strands.
He walks closer to me, putting his hands on my waist and kissing me. “I’ve noticed that you start to really burn out at the end of the day, so I wanted to do something to make your life just a bit easier. I love you, and I want to see you happy.”
I want to burst into tears, but I collect myself and thank him. As I watch him put away the array of expensive ingredients, all I can think of is how lucky I am for my life to have fallen into place with his. Despite all we’ve been through, being here makes it all worth it.
When I place Vivka back onto the hardwood floor, she wobbles her way over to Dominik as he puts away the last few items. He picks her up, holding her close and kissing her cheek as if she’s the most beautiful thing in the world to him.
