AllFreeNovel
Share Us
1
Holly
It’s snowed at least two inches since it started to get dark, but I had to do the right thing and stay late to make things easier for my boss. I wasn’t even one of the people who got behind last quarter, but I know he’ll appreciate the help. At least, I hope he does. I’m secretly hoping that I can make up some of the time that I’m taking off for the holidays.
I’ve spent the last God-knows-how-long trying to get my foot in the door for a promotion at my company, and so far it’s given me nothing but additional tasks to complete. My boss loves to tell me how helpful I’m being, how much of arockstarI am to the company, but I mostly just feel drained. Despite all the extra work I’ve taken home, the late nights in the office, and the additional meetings, I still feel like I’m no closer to the promotion than I was before.
At least this week was a bit more relaxed than it has been the past few months. The holidays always seem to chill out my coworkers, and I can only imagine how much they look forward to getting together with their families. They’ll probably spend the next week or so drinking and exchanging well-intentioned but strange gifts to the in-laws that they hate.
I guess it’s not so bad to think about, and I can try to be happy for them as I get ready to drive back to my empty house. With the weather being so shitty and the days so short, I’ve felt like burying myself under the foundation with a blanket. Being at work with a bunch of squirrelly adults has been my own personal hell.
Everyone’s been asking me what I’m doing for the holidays, and I always stammer before awkwardly explaining that I have no plans. After that, I’m always asked if I’m a Jehovah’s Witness or if I hate my parents. Sometimes it’s just a look of pity, as if nobodywantsto spend the holidays with me. I’ve been offered a place at a few Christmas dinners, but I’d feel so awkward around a coworker’s extended family.
To be honest, I can’t blame them for being so confused about it. Everyone else has made it abundantly clear that they intend to squeeze the life out of their time off before we head into the abyss of grey nothingness that is January through April.
Why did I even take so much time off? My family gets together for a couple days, sure, but we can only tolerate being together for one night before we’re all practically holding each other at gunpoint. I love my family a lot, but there are issues that we try to solve year after year that will never go away. I wish we could just agree to disagree, or at least stop inviting my uncle Mark’s wife, Kathy. She’s started doing direct sales for a company that sells food that you boil in a bag. It’s vile, and she’s incapable of talking about anything else.
My apartment needs to be cleaned for sure, but the thought of using so much vacation time just to clean and sit around by myself is so depressing. I know that I need the time to regroup and maybe evaluate my priorities, but I’d rather have someone to do that with.
As I walk across the icy parking lot to my car, I focus intently on taking small steps to avoid slipping and breaking myself in half. I wore the wrong shoes for this kind of weather, and there’s nobody here to help me if I hurt myself. The whole atmosphere of the parking lot feels eerie with the streetlamps glowing through the heavy snowfall.
Who am I even wearing these stupid little heeled boots for? It’s not like any of the men in my department would even look in my direction, regardless of what I wore. I could be making copies in the back room naked and covered in barbecue sauce, and none of them would comment. Besides, they’re all simple, boorish meathead types. The only reason any of them got a job here is because their fathers all went to college together.
I cross my arms over my chest to keep in what little warmth my coat can retain before I grasp at the handle on the driver’s side door. I’m finally close enough to stop worrying about falling to my death, but I won’t feel completely safe until I’m back home under four layers of blankets.
Before I get into my car, I lean against it and listen to the deafening sound of nothing as the snow absorbs the noise of the city. It feels weird to not be inundated by the never-ending sirens, car horns, and shouting children. In a way, it’s too peaceful, as if the powers that be have served us just a little too much quiet that we’ll pay double for tomorrow.
I finally decide to get in my car as my toes begin to freeze within the thin leather of my boots. I really do feel stupid for not dressing better. It’s not like I couldn’t have checked what the weather would be today.
Whatever, I guess I’ll just go home and sleep.
Once I start the car, I feel the familiar ache of loneliness come over me as I leave the parking lot. I hate the idea that my coworkers are the only people that I have, but it doesn’t help anyone to ignore obvious truths. I’m sure they’d all think I was totally pathetic if they knew that’s how I felt.
I truly do like some of my coworkers, but most of them are the archetypal American office worker. They’re good people, but they revel in whatever table scraps of drama or conflict that they can. It’s all they can do in order to alleviate some of their terminal suburban ennui.
I don’t blame them, but if I have to listen to another story about the dog-friendly microbrewery on Cherry Street, I’m going to have a psychotic break.
Since today was the last day of work before the majority of the department took off for the holidays, everybody decided to tell me all about their plans for the week. The parents went on in detail about all the overpriced, noisy bullshit that they bought for their kids, and Carrie explained the entire itinerary for her vacation to Switzerland with her fiancé, Kevin. Carrie and Kevin are the type of couple who always wear matching sweaters to the yearly holiday party, and though it’s sweet, I do find it nauseating.
As if things couldn’t feel more thrown in my face, Amy announced her pregnancy to the whole floor today. I knew she seemed different recently, maybe more effervescent and cheerful than usual, but I figured she was just getting laid more.
I guess I wasn’tcompletelywrong.
It’s been four years since I’ve been in a relationship, and hearing about the joyful progression of someone else’s love life feels like reopening an old wound. That was supposed to bemeanticipating the arrival of a baby with the love of my life. I thought that he could be the piece of my life that brought everything together after I’d been balancing so many disjointed goals and expectations.
Even if I had been actively looking for someone to settle down with, I’d be disappointed time and time again. None of the men I’ve met in recent memory have even been charming or empathetic enough for me to form an attraction to them. They’re either already married and resentful of their wives, or still unmarried for a very good reason. If I were to walk into the dwellings of some of these men, I’m sure I’d need a series of vaccinations as soon as I left.
Because of this, I try not to think about how lonely I am.
But the loneliness remains, and it burns through like a festering wound when I’m alone in the dark.
The roads are even worse than I imagined they’d be. I should have just called out of work when I heard about the impending snowfall, but of course Ihadto be the star employee of the office. My tires aren’t capable of handling this well, and I feel the grip of anxiety around my stomach as I feel the wheels pull to either side. I knew I should have gotten my tires replaced before the first snowfall, but I thought I had just a little bit longer.
When I get on the highway, I’m grateful that there’s nobody else on the road, because I’d more than likely crash right into them with the state that my car is in. Maybe it’s irresponsible for me to be driving this thing at all, but I have no choice. I’ve been saving for a new car for months, but every time I feel like I’m making progress towards my goal, something expensive and pressing takes precedence. It’s been a relentless uphill battle, and the story of Sisyphus has never resonated more.
I’m navigating the snowstorm as it begins to pick up intensity, and I’m feeling confident about my ability to get home safely until I hit a patch of black ice.
The car swerves to the side, and I over-correct just a bit too much before I’m spinning uncontrollably. My head slams into the side window as I feel the car begin to flip over.
