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I have to admit, though, that it does look like a lot more fun to have someone there with you. Even the guys that end up getting into fights have a good couple of hours where all they want to do is tell everyone about how they met their wife and get drinks for her whether she asks for them or not. A lot of these guys would never show it otherwise, but they really do love the women in their lives. It’s a shame that alcohol is the only thing to bring it out of them, but I’m sure it makes the party even better for the ladies they brought with.

I’ve never had an issue finding women who were interested inme,but I’d rather be caught dead than show up with most of them. Plenty of my men have sisters who have thrown themselves at me, but I can still remember how they smelled of cigarettes and cheap Walmart perfume. They see me as a gigantic dollar sign with a big dick, and for most of them, that’s all they could ever need in a man.

The women I’ve wanted to be with in the past haven’t approved of the atmosphere that my associates create in large groups, and for that, I can’t blame them.

This time, though, I know people expect me to have someone with me.

It’s not a secret that my associates think it’s weird for me to avoid women in a purely aesthetic context. Most of them are still in the phase of their lives when having a sexy, dumb girl on their arm is a condition of their survival. I understand it, but it doesn’t interest me. I got most of that energy out of my system in high school when I had first joined the bratva. The girls in my school knew what I did, and they hadn’t yet matured into adult women who would have known better than to be with someone like me. I grew out of it pretty quickly once I took over.

I’ve spent enough of my life chasing women who would end up using me or cheating on me, and I don’t have the patience for it anymore.

As I’m discussing plans for the catering, my close friend Artem quickly changes the topic back towards the women who will be attending.

“You do realize that almost every girl there will be with someone already, right? If you try to fuck one of them, the guy who brought her is going to kick your ass,” I reply, equal parts annoyed with him and amused by his juvenile one-track mind.

“Yeah, okay, but if you bring someone, she’ll be so bored by the end of the night that her standards will be way lower. You know I’d owe you one,” he says, smirking. “Besides, you’re the fuckin’ leader, man. Seeing you walk around a party by yourself is magnitudes sadder than someone like me or Dmitri. It’s like its own kind of defeat. It doesn’t suit you.”

I sigh heavily. “You already know I’m not bringing anyone. I don’t have anyone to bring, and I’m not going to spend the time looking for someone. I’ll be fine recording while I watch you sing Last Christmas incorrectly after you drink a fifth of vodka. Really, that’s the only gift I need.”

He scoffs, but he knows that this is the predicted order of events based on previous years. “Okay, fine. But it’s really fuckin’ lame of you, man. Honestly, I’m just curious to see what yourtypeis, you know? I feel like I’d pay good money to know what kind of bitches can get your attention if Vanya Morozova doesn’t.”

“Okay, first of all, that’s a really weird thing to fixate on. Secondly, Vanya sucks dick for Xanax bars. She just makes me sad.”

His face turns a bit pale, as if he realizes that he’s breaching a topic with me that he doesn’t actually want more information about.

“Go bother someone else. I need to get these orders in before I forget. I know better than anyone that I’d be crucified for ruining this party,” I continue, offering him a way out of the conversation before he talks himself into an early grave. If he weren’t the closest thing I have to a brother, I would have waved him off within thirty seconds of his mouth opening. He knows he can get away with a lot more, but he’s come way too close to crossing that line.

He lifts his hands in surrender, walking away to god knows where, as I punch the caterer’s number into my phone. The truth is that Artem was able to get me thinking, and it bothers me more than usual that I don’t have a date to this party.

It feels stupid and shallow to give a shit, but it would be nice to do a littlemorethan drink heavily and extract joy from the stupidity of my peers for once. I really can see the value in having a girlfriend, even if I’ve told myself year after year that I didn’t need a woman’s validation. Maybe it’s not about validation at all, and I’ve been talking myself out of happiness for years. Having someone to share my life with might be the best way to give my life more meaning than money and power.

However, I wasn’t lying when I said that I have nobody to bring. It’s not hard to find a girl to drag along with me, but most of those girls are just like Vanya in different skin. Insecure, lost, and hell-bent on showing off both of these traits in the most flamboyant ways possible. I’d more than likely leave more embarrassed than I’ve ever been, signing myself up for a drunk angry girl at my doorstep for months to come.

Then, I think of Holly.

Sure, she would stand out more than anyone else at the party, but she might be able to bring a fresh energy to the people around us. I did truly like her personality, and she’s so far removed from the bratva life that she just might influence me to behave a bit better. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I had someone to act right for. Not to mention, she’ll have more to talk about than drugs and money. After a while, such topics get pretty fucking old when they’re played endlessly on repeat. Even if that’s one of the biggest appeals of being in the mafia, some of us just want to pay for shit and go home. I’m at the age where I don’t need the fanfare anymore.

I don’t have any way of contacting her besides just showing up at her house after I told her that I wasn’t going to ever again. I didn’t get her phone number from her, and I don’t remember her exact address anyway. She directed me the whole time I was driving, and I was too preoccupied with saying goodbye to her that I didn’t pay attention to the surrounding area.

Then I remember that I still have her wallet.

She’d left it in the replacement car after she got out to leave, and I didn’t notice until much later. I figured she’d be able to replace everything that she’d be missing and left it at that. If I have her ID, I can find her address and have a reason to show up there in the first place. Maybe she’ll think it’s weird, but it’ll be a better cover than just showing up at her house again. At least then I won’t look like a liar.

I know it might be weird to her that I’m seeing her again after telling her I wasn’t going to. Maybe that’ll be her signal that I’m untrustworthy and fickle, but whatever. She seemed disappointed that I didn’t want to come in, so I can only hope she’s been secretly holding out. That’s the best-case scenario, and it’s been long enough now that she could have found someone to spend the holidays with.

But I still feel like I need to try.

I glance around, watching everybody set up decorations and lights as I feel the knots of conflict forming in my stomach. The more I think about it, I realize that there’s nobody else who even comes to mind that I’d rather bring.

“Hey, Artem, come back over here,” I shout across the room. “I have a job for you.”

He glances at me, annoyed that I would interrupt whatever the hell he’s currently doing. It looks like he’s just bullshitting with Dmitri like usual.

“What? You can’t just send me away and then drag me back over when you need something,” he whines.

“Yes, I can. Anyway, I need you to do this catering order while I go take care of something else. I promise it’s important,” I reply.

He narrows his eyes. “Why can’t you do it? You just told me five minutes ago that you were too busy with the catering order to talk to me.”

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