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Her focus dips to my phone, then right back up. “It’s Emily,” she informs, her mouth clamping shut a moment later.
I narrow my eyes at her. “What?”
She shrugs.
“You’re holding back, Taylor…”
“Well,” she says, leaning forward, elbows on the table, “last time I made an assumption about a girl, you didn’t speak to me for a week.”
“False,” I respond. “At least not intentionally.”
She nods. “So… girlfriend?”
I shake my head, continue to ignore the vibrating phone between us.
“Friends with benefits?”
“Minus the friends.”
Her lips purse, nose scrunched. “Fuck buddy?”
I nod.
“Are you supposed to be meeting her tonight for a… session?”
Another nod.
Jamiesmirks, answers the call, and says, “Holden’s busy.” Then she hangs up, drops the phone to the table, and smiles as though she’s just done the naughtiest thing in the world. It’s kind of… adorable.
“How does that even work?” she asks, then lowers her voice to a whisper. “A fuck buddy?” Her cheeks bloom pink, and she must realize it because she lowers her head—putting an end to The Staring Game.
“I have rules,” I answer.
Her eyes meet mine again. “Rules?” she laughs out, rolling her eyes. “Oh, this’ll be good. What are your rules, Master Boner?”
A chuckle forms deep in my chest, in my gut, and I can’t hold it back in time. “The rules are simple,” I start, counting off each one on my finger. “Idon’t stay the night.Theydon’t expect anything more than sex. Andwedon’t catch feelings.”
She seems to turn this over in her mind for a few seconds before asking, “So… what’s the point?”
“The point issex, Doris. Sex is fun. And who doesn’t like to have fun?”
“I guess.” She shrugs, her nose wrinkling with her response. “I don’t know that I’d enjoy it as much without the feelings, you know?”
“But your feelings got screwed right along with your body, so…” I regret it the second the words are out of my mouth, and even more so when she doesn’t bother to hide her reaction. Her features fall, eyes hardening, and it’s like the moment you realize you’ve misplaced a piece of a puzzle and everything is wrong, wrong, wrong.
“Sorry,” I mumble. I fucked up. Bad.
“It's fine,” she says, but her walls are up again, and I didn’t even know—until right this moment—that I could differentiate the two vastly contrasting versions of her. After clearing her throat, she looks at me, but not directly. She can’t look me in the eyes anymore, and it pisses me off. Not because of her reaction, but because of mine. As someone who creates and lives by rules to make sure I don’t hurt anyone, I’ve hurtherof all people, and she doesn’t deserve it. “So, your rules…” The bullshit banter is gone, so are the games, the challenges, and now we’re making small talk.Great. “Girls are okay with it?”
I push down the discomfort forming in my stomach. “As long as I’m honest from the beginning, yeah,” I respond, then sit taller because if we’re going to makesmalltalk, I may as well make it substantial. “Look, girls like sex just as much as guys do, and not everyone wants to fall in love and be in a relationship, so it’s just about finding those same people.”
“And why not feelings?” And this might be the reason I’m more pissed than I should be. She’s obviously not cracking my fucking head open trying to understandme. To get to knowme. She’s trying to figure out why Dean was a dick to her.
And sensing that, knowing that, I give her the truth, no matter how much it might hurt her: “Because havingfeelingsis a double-edged sword. It’s good, and it’s bad, and at seventeen, I can’t ever promise that I won’t give you the bad.” And that bad can change the course of your life forever.
I’m proof.
So is Mia.
