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Her head tilts in confusion, her eyes searching mine, and even after everything she’s done to me, there’s a tightening in my chest, in that one look alone, that has me wanting to reach out andhold her. She’s always been a little lost, but it hits different now, and maybe it was the prospect of losing her—like,actuallylosing her that has me breaking my resolve. “Benny,” I say. “Mia’s son. I call him my nephew because… you know… Mia and me.” For the first time in years, I’m graced with her smile—a smile that knocks all air out of my lungs and weakens my knees, my senses. I swallow. Hard. And force myself to look away. “He has sleepovers here, but… he always ends up in my bed anyway, so I don’t really know why—”
“It’s perfect, Holden,” she cuts in, making a bed for herself. “Thank you.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t need to see a doctor or—”
“I’m fine,” she says. “I’ll be out of your hair in the morning.”
I nod because… her being gone... it’s what I asked for.
It’s what I wanted.
Right?
I don’t look in her direction once I’m in bed. Instead, I simply stare up at the ceiling, looking at the light gradients caused by the bedside table lamp. A few minutes later, the shower switches off, and I glance at the bathroom door, watch Brianna get out wearing only her underwear and one of my t-shirts. She climbs into bed, and, instinctively, I hold out my arm, wait for her to settle in beside me, and throw her leg over mine. It’s a move we’ve done dozens of times before. It’s routine. Habitual. And it shouldn’t feel wrong to be doing it now with Jamie maybe watching us.
But it does.
And I shouldn’t feel guilty for having a girlfriend just because she’s suddenly back in my life.
But I do.
I don’t know how long I lie there, holding a sleeping Brianna while staring into the darkness.
Less than an hour ago, I could’ve fallen asleep on a tightrope, and now… now my mind is working overtime, too many questions… too many emotions… too many thoughts, and I somehow keep circling back to one.
She was afraid of my touch.
I glance in her direction, surprised to see the glow of her phone on her profile. Carefully, I remove myself from Brianna’s embrace and reach for my phone. I open my email and pull up the one from Esme’s estate lawyer with both my and Jamie’s details. Jamie’s address is listed as Zeke’s Diner, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I find her phone number, copy it into my contacts, and hesitate a beat before typing out a text:
Holden: I would never physically hurt you.
I watch her as I hit send, and I know she’s received it when she quickly turns her head in my direction.
I settle on my side so I can watch her—every reaction, every emotion.
Her thumbs move over her phone, and a moment later, mine vibrates in my grasp.
Jamie:I know…
I’m quick to respond.
Holden:Then why did you look so scared when I was going to touch you? You pushed my hand away.
She takes a full minute to reply.
Jamie:I wasn’t scared.
Holden:Then why?
I can see her watching me now, her eyes holding more questions than truths. Finally, after a few minutes of The Staring Game, she replies.
Jamie:Because I could smell her on your fingers.
My eyes drift shut the instant her words hit my brain, creating static throughout my body, forcing my muscles to go numb. I tap my phone against my forehead. Again and again. And as fucked up as it is… as much as I want to hurt her… I want to protect her even more. And maybe that’s always been my focus.
My downfall.
When I open my eyes, she’s no longer on her phone, and the only thing I can see, I can feel, is darkness.
