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“We had plans, Jamie, and you just—”
“I know this, Holden,” she says through gritted teeth. “Would you fucking stop already? Everyfuckingtime…” She reaches around me to open the door, but I block her path. I don’t know why I do it. Maybe I’m not ready to go out there yet. Or maybe I’m not ready for her to leave. The top of her head is right under my nose, and it takes everything in me not to lean down a few inches and inhale her scent like I want to. Even this close, her scent lingers—flowers and citrus.
Sunshine and Solace.
She sniffs once as she takes a step back, neck craned to look up at me. The tears she’d been holding on to are right fucking there, right on the edge of release. “You know what the worst part is?” she cries, her chest heaving. “You care so fucking little about me that you’re forcing me to see it… because youwantto hurt me.”
I reach out, settle my hands on her elbows. “Jamie, that’s not…” I trail off. It’s notwhat?True? I can’t say that because she’s right. Until this very moment, Iwantedto hurt her. I wanted her to know exactly how it feels to sit opposite her after years of being abandoned, only to havehimwalk in.Himcomfort her.Himembrace her.Himfuckingexistto her when I didn’t.
Jamie blinks, freeing her liquid heartbreak. “You hate me so much that you get joy out of seeing me this way.” She wipes the tears from her cheeks, her jaw, and after inspecting the wetness on her fingers, she shakes her head. “Why am I even crying?” she sobs, and I don’t know if she’s speaking to me or just throwing words out into the universe. “I can’t stop crying, Holden.” She’s still shaking her head when she looks up at me. “Ever since I found Esme dead in her bed, it’s all I’ve been able to do.” She chokes on an inhale as more tears flow, and her breathing becomes ragged. As if confused, she wipes at her tears and looks at her hands, over and over, again and again. “I can’t stop,” she cries. “The tears just keep coming and coming… and they don’tfucking stop!”
I don’t even think.
I just pull her into me, and I hold her… all while I die inside. Every sound of heartache and grief and sadness and sorrow, every one of her tears that soaks through my t-shirt, only amplifies her agony. This entire time, I’ve been so caught up in my own bullshit pain that I never… I never once stopped to think about what she’s going through or what she’s experiencing… or what she’sfeeling.“I’m sorry, Jamie,” I whisper, kissing the top of her head.
I don’t know how long we stand there, her ear to my heart, my arms tight around her, shielding her, protecting her. At one point, this is all I wanted from my entire existence—to shelter her from all the ugly and tragic this world kept throwing her way. I was never supposed tobethe thing she needed protection from.
Too soon, her cries silence, and she pulls away from my touch completely. “I’m okay,” she says, but she won’t look at me.
I bend my knees, dip my head so I can see into her eyes. “You don’t have to beokay.”
Lifting her head slightly, she says, her tone solemn, “You should go be with your girlfriend, Holden.”
“And what?” I ask, standing to full height. My tone matches hers when I add, “You’re going to be with him?”
Her lips lift on one side. “Are you jealous?” she teases.
My smile is the saddest, most pathetic smile in the history of smiles. “Of course I am.”
Seconds of silence pass, our eyes never leaving each other. And then she sucks in a harsh breath. “I don’t feel good.”
“It’s okay.” I move around her to turn on the tap. “Have some water, and stop drinking. I can get Brianna to drive—”
“I don’t mean physically, Holden,” she mumbles, and I switch off the water, turn to her. “I don’t feel good about myself. About who I am and what I’ve done. I’m twenty-three years old, and I… I still feel like—”
A knock on the door cuts her off. “Jamie? It’s Colton. You okay?”
Jamie and I look from the door to each other, and whatever look I have on my face has her whispering, “We haven’t done anything wrong. I’ll tell Bri—”
“Hey,” Colton says on the other side of the door. “If you see Holden, can you let him know that Brianna’s looking for him? I told her I thought I saw him out front, so…”
Regretfully, I unlock the door. Open it. Colton rears back when he sees me—as if it’s a fucking surprise I’m here. “Can you take her home?” I ask.
Colton nods, his gaze shifting behind me. “You ready?”
I leave them there and head back to the yard while sending Maggie a text:
Holden:Jamie’s had too much to drink. Colton’s taking her home. Can you let me know when she gets there so that I know she’s safe?
Maggie:Got it. I’ll let you know as soon as I see his truck. xx.
I have no idea what happens around me in the next half hour because I’m too busy staring at my phone waiting for Maggie to call. Or text. Or send some kind of smoke signal my way. I sit in the deck chair, Brianna beside me, my knee bouncing with nerves. Finally,finally, it vibrates in my hand, and I’m on my feet and moving somewhere quiet while I answer, “Hey, Mags.”
“Were they leaving right when you sent me the text or…?”
“Yeah…” I put a finger to my ear so I can hear her better. “Why? Are they not there yet?”
“I’m sure it’s fine,” Maggie says. “Maybe they went to get food or something. Is his truck still there?”
