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“Shit,” I hiss.
“What?” Trevor asks.
“I forgot Connor’s game.” And the balloon. “Dammit.”
“He’ll understand,” Trevor assures. “You’ve been dealing with a lot.”
I read over his text again, trying to find a way to respond. And then: “Hey, Mama? What if I run you a bath instead of a shower?”
Her expression doesn’t change, neither does the direction of her stare. “A bath sounds nice.”
“Thank God,” Trevor breathes out.
I rush to the bathroom and start running the water.
Ava: As bad as that sounds, I wish I could, just to be near you. I’m sorry there was no balloon. Give me five, I’ll check the school website and get a rundown of the game.
He doesn’t respond, probably in the bath, and so I focus on getting the water to the perfect temperature, filling it with as many scented bath products as I can find. I call her when it’s ready, and she comes willingly, stripping out of her clothes without care. “Will you stay with me?” she murmurs.
“Of course, Mama.”
I close the door behind us and help her get in. She sits with the water to her neck, her eyes open, staring at the ceiling. She doesn't speak, our breaths the only sound in the small room. I push away all other thoughts—thoughts that seem to invade my mind and ruin me from the inside out.
“Do you…” I start, careful. “Do you want me to wash you?”
Nodding, she sits up and bends over, allowing me to have access. I pour body wash on a loofa and start at her back, ignoring the ailing paleness of her skin, the way her spine sticks out far more than it should. I hear her sniff but stay silent. And then her shoulders… her shoulders start to shake. A single whimper fills the cold, dead air, and I reach up to her shoulder, move her hair to the side. “It’s okay, Mama,” I say through the knot in my throat. “Sometimes we all need a little help.”
She reaches up with her good arm, takes my hand in hers. “Thank you,” she whispers, and it’s all I need. All I want. For her to know that I’m here for her. Always.
She doesn’t say anything more, and neither do I. We finish in the bath, and I help her into fresh clothes and into her bed, pull the covers over her chest. She stares up at the ceiling, and I get on my knees beside her bed, put my hands on her upper arm. “Are you not tired?” I whisper.
Her head lolls to the side, her eyes welling with tears. “I’m scared,” she admits.
I sit taller. “Of what?”
She lets out a sob. “To close my eyes.”
“Oh, Mama.” I settle my head on her chest, my eyes drifting shut when she holds me to her.
“Stay with me, Ava? Just until I fall asleep?”
I wipe my tears on her covers, then suck in a breath, attempt to keep my broken heart bound. “Of course.” I get into her bed and try to be her courage while hiding my weakness. She holds me close, using just a portion of the strength of the woman she used to be. The mother she used to be.
I lie awake, listening to her breaths settle until I know she’s asleep. Then I get out, careful and quiet. I wipe the wetness off my cheeks before opening the door and facing Trevor.
“Is she down?”
I offer the most genuine smile I can come up with. “Yeah, she’s sleeping like a baby.”
Trevor nods, goes back to watching whatever game is playing. I go to the bathroom and retrieve my phone.
Connor: I figured something was up when there was no balloon. I hope everything’s okay?
Connor: Just got out of the tub. Is everything okay there?
Connor: Can you come out in five? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.
I look at the time stamp. It was sent over a half hour ago.
