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I can’t.
She allows me to pull her closer, her back turned. I press my cheek into her open palm, kiss the inside of her wrist. “Don’t go,” I plead.
She turns to me, her tear-stained cheeks cracking open my chest. “I want so badly to be everything you need me to be.”
I pull on her arm until her knees are on my bed, my hands going to her face, thumbs swiping away her sadness. “You are, Ava. And I’m so sorry I made you feel otherwise.”
She nods, grasping my wrists.
“Stay?”
Another nod, and I’m shifting until my back’s against the wall. She gets to her feet to slip off her shoes while I lift the covers to let her in. Her head on the crook of my shoulder and her hand on my heart, I ask, “Is everything okay with your mom?”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.” She leans up to look down at me. “I’m here now. For you. I want to know everything.”
I shake my head, push away the past twenty-four hours of my life, and start living for now. “You’re right. You’re here now. And nothing else matters.”
She kisses me, her tongue swiping against my lips, and I’m suddenly awake and alive, and when she moves down to my neck, I stop her. I get out of bed, peek my head out the door to see Dad’s bedroom door closed. He’s asleep after his shift. I close the door. Lock it. Then strip out of my shirt and get back into bed with the girl I love.
She sits up to remove her blazer, and then she unbuttons her top, dropping them both on the floor by the bed. I hold on to her hips, guide her until she’s straddling my lap. I pull at the front of her bra. “Off.”
She complies and then lies on top of me, her bare breasts against my chest. I run a hand down her spine while the other settles on the back of her head.
“Thank you for coming,” I tell her.
She smiles against my skin. “I haven’t yet.”
A chuckle erupts from deep in my chest, and she sits up again, starts removing her skirt. I place my hands on hers, stopping her. “Can this stay on?”
She eyes me, questioning.
I don’t bother hiding my grin. “And the socks, too.”
“Oh, God,” she says through a giggle. “Do you have some weird schoolgirl kink?”
I shrug. “I didn’t know I had one until you walked into class the first day of school.”
“The first day?” she asks, incredulous, eyes widening.
I nod. “I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you.”
She leans down, bites down on my collarbone. “So now that you have me, what do you plan on doing with me?”
My hands are already under her skirt, pulling down her underwear.
We spend the rest of the afternoon in my bed, under the sheets, in a state of half-naked. We tease, and we touch, and we taste, and we go as far as we can without going all the way. We’re lazy and we’re carefree, taking breaks to eat or nap, to laugh and to talk and to just be. With each other. Within the four walls of my bedroom, we find peace in each other’s arms, find solace in each other’s touch, and find a home in each other’s hearts… even if the space is limited.
FORTY-FIVE
ava
It’s the most time I’ve been able to spend with my boyfriend in weeks, and it’s in the form of a giant poster just outside the school gym. I had no idea that it was going to be there. I heard a few girls in my English class talking about it, so I had to check it out for myself.
I sit on the wall opposite with my paper bag lunch and make myself comfortable, smiling at the picture of him with a ball held at his side, standing tall. The poster takes up the entire height of the wall, and I couldn’t be prouder.
I take out my phone, snap a picture of myself eating my sandwich with the poster behind me, and send it to him with the caption:
Ava: If I can’t have the real you, I’ll have the next best thing.
