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I don’t know why of all the things he could possibly say, he chooses to say that.
I nod without turning to him. “Of course.”
He clears his throat. “That was one of the best days of my life, Ava.” He opens his door, and I do the same, but neither of us gets out of the car. After a sigh, he says, “I just wanted you to know that. For whatever stupid reason.”
I finally face him, see the anguish in his eyes, and say, my heartbreak forming my words, “It was the best day of my life.”
His head drops forward, and he rubs the back of his neck, then pinches the bridge of his nose. “Fuck,” he spits, hitting the steering wheel.
I cower, grab the groceries, and get out of the car, needing the air, the space. “Thanks for the ride,” I call out, closing the door.
I make it to the sidewalk before he grasps my arm. “Ava, just wait.”
I suck in a breath, hold it, and reluctantly turn to him.
He’s holding the flowers at his side, his jaw tense, nostrils flared.
I stand tall, look up at him.
After a sharp inhale, he lets it all out: “I wish I knew what you wanted from me, Ava, because it’s doing my fucking head in. One minute you’re telling me you want no contact, and the next you’re knocking on my door asking for a ride. Why not call Rhys or Karen? Or Peter? Because I know he’s in town checking in on you. And you know how I know? Because Rhys told me. Not you. And I know that Krystal’s been with your mom all break, which means you’ve had every chance to come over and hang out with me. And honestly, I’ve waited. For days, I’ve waited for you to show. And now it’s the last day of break, and when you do come, it’s because you need something from me. And that’s fine. If you or your mom need anything, I’m here. I made that promise to you, and I’m keeping it. I just…” He pinches the bridge of his nose again, then heaves out a breath. “You know, Rhys threw me a birthday party, and he asked if I wanted to invite you and I didn’t even know what to say. Like, are we friends or…” He shakes his head, his eyes on mine. “What do you want, Ava?”
I listen to his entire speech, agony clenching at my life source. I stare up at him, breathless when I finally find my voice. “I was hoping we could be friends.”
He nods, his eyes dimming. “Ava, I…”
“What?” My gaze drops, so does my heart. “Just say it, Connor.”
“I don’t think I can be just friends with you. Not now. Not when I know what it’s like to have all of you.”
I fight to hold it together. “That’s fine.”
He sniffs once. “Can you give these to your mom?” he mumbles, handing me the flowers. “I forgot the last time I was over.”
* * *
Mom’s resting in her room when I get in, and so I unpack the few items I have, then place the flowers in a large plastic cup. Her gaze moves to me when I open her door, her eyes brightening when she sees the flowers. I settle them on her nightstand while I wait for her to sit up. She stares at the flowers, confused at first, and then a hint of a smile plays on her lips. She looks at them closer, entranced, her fingers stroking the petals. “So much color,” she mumbles.
“You like the colors?”
“Pretty,” she states, not once taking her eyes off them.
I tell her, my voice quiet as I struggle to hold in my heartbreak, “Connor got them for you.”
She nods. “Connor, six-five, but is hoping for a growth spurt.”
And even through my pain, I can’t help but smile. “That’s him.”
“He’s a good boy.”
“Yeah,” I say, wiping at the tears she doesn’t notice. “He is.”
NINE
connor
“You look like ass,” Oscar says, slumping down in the seat next to me.
It’s first period, new semester, new year, same shit.
